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-   -   ITT: We tell poop disasters. (http://www.genmay.com/showthread.php?t=512223)

Chavez 03-14-2005 08:06 AM

ITT: We tell poop disasters.
 
1) Farted
2) At work
3) It wasn't a fart
4) I go commando
5) ...
6) Profit?

:(

Tell us stories

Insomniac 03-14-2005 08:07 AM

1) Was surfing.
2) Needed poop.
3) Nearest toilet was 15 minutes' away.
4) Pooped in wetsuit.
5) ...
6) No profit.

:(

Chavez 03-14-2005 08:08 AM

[QUOTE=Insomniac]1) Was surfing.
2) Needed poop.
3) Nearest toilet was 15 minutes' away.
4) Pooped in wetsuit.
5) ...
6) No profit.

:([/QUOTE]

:(

Milkman 03-14-2005 08:08 AM

5) ...

MachTy 03-14-2005 08:08 AM

[img]http://i145.exs.cx/img145/1082/johnpoop0ij.jpg[/img]

jizzypop 03-14-2005 08:08 AM

1) was doing a hand stand...
2) ...
3) no profit

Insomniac 03-14-2005 08:09 AM

[QUOTE=Chavez]:([/QUOTE]

Indeed. :(

Luckily there were showers on the beach and no-one around, so I stripped and showered naked.

creedamd 03-14-2005 08:09 AM

eww.. yall are nasty

*beebeep* 03-14-2005 08:09 AM

A friend went to the bathroom during the movie in the theatre to take a dump. When he returned, it smelled like shit. So he went back to the bathroom and found that huge piece of crap in his pants that he must have someone overlooked before.

lovely.

Chavez 03-14-2005 08:10 AM

[QUOTE=Insomniac]Indeed. :(

Luckily there were showers on the beach and no-one around, so I stripped and showered naked.[/QUOTE]


I did the same thing but lost my trunks in the ocean! :(

Sprinted to the car!

The beach was packed! :(

schzim 03-14-2005 08:10 AM

1) Got upperdecked.
2) No profit.

Thantos 03-14-2005 08:10 AM

[img]http://www.roughwheelers.com/montego/BigBear6-2001/images/IMG_0555.JPG[/img]

edit: google search for 'poop disaster'

Chavez 03-14-2005 08:11 AM

[QUOTE=Thantos][img]http://www.roughwheelers.com/montego/BigBear6-2001/images/IMG_0555.JPG[/img]

edit: google search for 'poop disaster'[/QUOTE]

:wtf:

Thantos 03-14-2005 08:12 AM

[QUOTE=Chavez]:wtf:[/QUOTE]
doo eet!

Milkman 03-14-2005 08:12 AM

[QUOTE=schzim]1) Got upperdecked.
2) No profit.[/QUOTE]

:lol:

Cashman 03-14-2005 08:12 AM

Never really had an accident. I get the case of the shits every now and then though. :lol:

malamute face 03-14-2005 08:12 AM

1. snow summit
2. jalapeno pizza
3. squat over toilet
4. shit on the wall
5. friend goes in after me and laffs
6. ...

Chavez 03-14-2005 08:13 AM

[QUOTE=malamute face]1. snow summit
2. jalapeno pizza
3. squat over toilet
4. shit on the wall
5. friend goes in after me and laffs
6. ...[/QUOTE]

:lol:

zzodater 03-14-2005 08:13 AM

i'm waiting for dt5k to post. i laughed for a good 5 minutes at his story last time someone made this thread

malamute face 03-14-2005 08:15 AM

i'll await his post too since i never saw it

itburnswhenipee 03-14-2005 08:15 AM

[QUOTE=malamute face]1. snow summit
2. jalapeno pizza
3. squat over toilet
4. shit on the wall
5. friend goes in after me and laffs
6. ...[/QUOTE]

:lol: :D

ccla 03-14-2005 08:22 AM

Working in field. Driving around to find shitter, Try to squeeze out fart, whoops. had to cut out middle of underwear with pocket knife. Freeball rest of day. Exilirating

ATP 03-14-2005 08:25 AM

I was constipated and had diarrhea at the same time. Long story short, after 15-20 minutes of intense abdominal pain and my strenuous (but fruitless) attempts, a little nugget popped out, which was blocking what felt like a colon-full of liquid poop. :cool:

Thantos 03-14-2005 08:25 AM

[QUOTE=ATP]I was constipated and had diarrhea at the same time. Long story short, after 15-20 minutes of intense abdominal pain and my strenuous (but fruitless) attempts, a little nugget popped out, which was blocking what felt like a colon-full of liquid poop. :cool:[/QUOTE]
those are awesome, it's like breaking a dam

Chavez 03-14-2005 08:26 AM

[QUOTE=ATP]I was constipated and had diarrhea at the same time. Long story short, after 15-20 minutes of intense abdominal pain and my strenuous (but fruitless) attempts, a little nugget popped out, which was blocking what felt like a colon-full of liquid poop. :cool:[/QUOTE]

:lol:

Blueacid 03-14-2005 08:29 AM

[QUOTE=Thantos]those are awesome, it's like breaking a dam[/QUOTE]

QFT

ATP 03-14-2005 08:31 AM

[QUOTE=Thantos]those are awesome, it's like breaking a dam[/QUOTE]
Yeah. :cool:

edit: fuck, I just realized that it wasn't a disaster... but :cool: nonetheless

Chavez 03-14-2005 08:31 AM

[QUOTE=Thantos]those are awesome, it's like breaking a dam[/QUOTE]

Can cause major backspash though!

:eek:

malamute face 03-14-2005 08:35 AM

i guess i'll post the most disgusting thing my friend ever called to tell me

1. friend had anal
2. bf jizzed inside
3. couldn’t shit for days
4. went to doctor, got medicine
5. finally shitted, what first came out was crusty white shit

valve1138 03-14-2005 08:41 AM

:lol:

theLiberator 03-14-2005 08:47 AM

[QUOTE=malamute face]i guess i'll post the most disgusting thing my friend ever called to tell me

1. friend had anal
2. bf jizzed inside
3. couldn’t shit for days
4. went to doctor, got medicine
5. finally shitted, what first came out was crusty white shit[/QUOTE]
Oh yuck.

Blueacid 03-14-2005 08:59 AM

[QUOTE=theLiberator]Oh yuck.[/QUOTE]

mmmmmm, glued.

Aldaris 03-14-2005 08:59 AM

I miss the old [M]! It's just a bunch of tards and spam now! (and señor Chavez is to a large degree correct about this, damn 24k scum...)

MachTy 03-14-2005 09:00 AM

[QUOTE=malamute face]i guess i'll post the most disgusting thing my friend ever called to tell me

1. friend had anal
2. bf jizzed inside
3. couldn’t shit for days
4. went to doctor, got medicine
5. finally shitted, what first came out was crusty white shit[/QUOTE]
fucking gross

malamute face 03-14-2005 09:01 AM

sorry :(

aldaris i like your g.i. joe quote :D

VoodoochildBC 03-14-2005 09:01 AM

1. Girl is sad that nobody's ever pooped on her chest
2. I pooped on her chest
3. .....
4. Profit

nofuturenochange 03-14-2005 09:02 AM

[QUOTE=VoodoochildBC]1. Girl is sad that nobody's ever pooped on her chest
2. I pooped on her chest
3. .....
4. Profit[/QUOTE]
lies!!

Chavez 03-14-2005 09:02 AM

[QUOTE=Aldaris]I miss the old [M]! It's just a bunch of tards and spam now! (and señor Chavez is to a large degree correct about this, damn 24k scum...)[/QUOTE]


Jebus Christ! :rolleyes: :tard:

Viremia 03-14-2005 09:02 AM

p00p is funny

Chavez 03-14-2005 09:03 AM

[QUOTE=nofuturenochange]lies!![/QUOTE]

damnit 03-14-2005 09:03 AM

1. Go to hot chicks house.
2. Drink wine and beer.
3. Stomach problems.
4. Shit my pants and her floor.
5...
6. Now shes my girlfriend
7. Profit.

Aldaris 03-14-2005 09:03 AM

[QUOTE=Chavez]Jebus Christ! :rolleyes: :tard:[/QUOTE]
I miss the old [M]! It's just a bunch of tards and spam now! (and señor Chavez is to a large degree correct about this, damn 24k scum...)

nofuturenochange 03-14-2005 09:04 AM

[QUOTE=damnit]1. Go to hot chicks house.
2. Drink wine and beer.
3. Stomach problems.
4. Shit my pants and her floor.
5...
6. Now shes my girlfriend
7. Profit.[/QUOTE]
that must have been ridiculously embarassing. i mixed beer and champagne at my friends house once time. i spent the rest of the night throwing up, eventually i passed out on the bathroom floor. but they were nice enough to give me a pillow :)

Chavez 03-14-2005 09:05 AM

[QUOTE=damnit]1. Go to hot chicks house.
2. Drink wine and beer.
3. Stomach problems.
4. Shit my pants and her floor.
5...
6. Now shes my girlfriend
7. Profit.[/QUOTE]

:( and :cool:...I guess.

Tom Kazansky 03-14-2005 09:05 AM

[QUOTE=Thantos]those are awesome, it's like breaking a dam[/QUOTE]

:lol:

stapler 03-14-2005 09:13 AM

i gotta find the Ryan's Steakhouse story, now THAT is a funny poop story

JulianDelphiki 03-14-2005 09:17 AM

[QUOTE=stapler]i gotta find the Ryan's Steakhouse story, now THAT is a funny poop story[/QUOTE]

I await yours and dt5k's postings

Chavez 03-14-2005 09:18 AM

[QUOTE=FlyMolo]I await yours and dt5k's postings[/QUOTE]

itburnswhenipee 03-14-2005 09:22 AM

Ryans Steakhouse story:

[QUOTE]Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.[/QUOTE]

Thantos 03-14-2005 09:23 AM

[QUOTE=itburnswhenipee]Ryans Steakhouse story:[/QUOTE]
tl;sr

(too long;still reading)

edit: that's funny as hell :lol: :lol:

William-043 03-14-2005 09:25 AM

*insert tucker max*

ScHpAnKy 03-14-2005 09:29 AM

heh, poop

Insomniac 03-14-2005 09:31 AM

[QUOTE=itburnswhenipee]Ryans Steakhouse story:[/QUOTE]

That was EXCELLENT. Who wrote it?

itburnswhenipee 03-14-2005 09:32 AM

[QUOTE=Insomniac]That was EXCELLENT. Who wrote it?[/QUOTE]

Dunno... it's been around forever. I first saw it probably 4 years ago. Maybe more.

JulianDelphiki 03-14-2005 09:34 AM

[QUOTE=DopeKitchen]*insert tucker max*[/QUOTE]


a woman running down the street dressed only in a lubed up sheet covered in vomit and shit...

thats gotta be a sight to see

Toast 03-14-2005 09:42 AM

1. Snowboarding
2. Ski Lodge Food
3. Fart it out/fall hard on ass
4. Get new pants

Viremia 03-14-2005 09:44 AM

[QUOTE=itburnswhenipee]Ryans Steakhouse story:[/QUOTE]
I SO love that story :lol:

eileenbunny 03-14-2005 09:45 AM

[QUOTE=itburnswhenipee]Ryans Steakhouse story:[/QUOTE]

Great story. :)

Chavez 03-14-2005 09:46 AM

[QUOTE=eileenbunny]Great story. :)[/QUOTE]

Misutiku 03-14-2005 09:46 AM

You guys want some good shit stories? Here I'll go find some of tucker maxxes.

Misutiku 03-14-2005 09:48 AM

Heres a shorter one

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I’ll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren’t good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says "I suck dick like I made it up.’
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn’t seem to faze her. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]My god was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good my ankles even started sweating. God bless whoever taught her.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she’s one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place…and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to fuck her at least 3 or 4 times to get to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I wonder if she ever found that stain.
[/size][/font]

wolrahnaes 03-14-2005 09:52 AM

I don't think I've had any disasters, just the same old thing that everyone's done.

1. In public place
2. Fart
3. It wasn't just a fart.
4. (a.) Get new underwear (b.) go commando (c.) try to clean it up and cover the smell of shit until I can do a or b
5. ???
6. No profit

I think I've done that one 5 or 6 times, but only twice has it managed to reach the underwear. Every other time I realized what was about to happen, clenched the cheeks, and waddled to the bathroom.

lopoetve 03-14-2005 10:03 AM

Did it in my car once. Commando for the rest of THAT day. Left the boxers in the bathroom of a gas station.

Misutiku 03-14-2005 10:04 AM

Tis a teal deer, But it will have you rolling.

hadn’t realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn’t get out of there.

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, “That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy.”
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!,” and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can’t seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn’t face the lobby. It’s about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.
[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I nearly bust the door off it’s hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, “AYYYY!!,” that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor’s closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Tucker “WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?”
Janitor “No, no se habla Ingles.”
Tucker “WHAT?!? Huh, uh…DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?”
Janitor “AYA, AYA!”
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large “Restroom” sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don’t think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.
-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.
-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.
[/size][/font]
[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2][font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don’t laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, “Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?”
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]My question is immediately answered.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the fuck just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]Come to think of it, she wasn’t sobbing. I believe “hysterical crying” would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as shit isn’t going to be me.
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]SlingBlade "Where--where the fuck are your pants?”
Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!"
[/size][/font]

[font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:
[/size][/font]

[size=2]"[/size][font=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][size=2]This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"
[/size][/font]

[/size][/font][/size][/font]

Chavez 03-14-2005 10:11 AM

Bravo!

DivineStorm 03-14-2005 10:18 AM

Painful experience 3/4 years ago;

I lived like 30 minutes away by bike from my school, and I kinda needed to poo when I went home. I had diarrea all day, but I thought it was okay by now. Probably because I ate 2 pizza's the day before, and dude those pizza's were [i]huge[/i]. Anyway, after 15 minutes I finally realized I had to poo really bad. Now you have to understand, I was on a bike on a hot summer day while not being close to a toilet in miles. Can you imagine sitting on your ass, with all the vibrations of the bike pounding against it? Trust me, it's horrible.

So after 15 minutes of excruciating pain I finally get home. I drop my bike, run to the front door only to find a small note:

"[i]We're at the mall, we'll be back at around 5pm -- mom[/i]"

It was 1pm.

Chavez 03-14-2005 10:20 AM

[QUOTE=DivineStorm]Painful experience 3/4 years ago;

I lived like 30 minutes away by bike from my school, and I kinda needed to poo when I went home. I had diarrea all day, but I thought it was okay by now. Probably because I ate 2 pizza's the day before, and dude those pizza's were [i]huge[/i]. Anyway, after 15 minutes I finally realized I had to poo really bad. Now you have to understand, I was on a bike on a hot summer day while not being close to a toilet in miles. Can you imagine sitting on your ass, with all the vibrations of the bike pounding against it? Trust me, it's horrible.

So after 15 minutes of excruciating pain I finally get home. I drop my bike, run to the front door only to find a small note:

"[i]We're at the mall, we'll be back at around 5pm -- mom[/i]"

It was 1pm.[/QUOTE]


:lol:

Shackmaster 03-14-2005 10:25 AM

I can sympathize for the Ryan's guy.

When I was in the main office of the Apartment complex of the apartment I was getting ready to move to, I was talking to one of the main office people when I had to take a major shit, and my bowels hurt so bad and I was in pain, and it was making me feel sick.

Once I got to the toilet to take the huge shit, I started to feel relief at first from relieving the pressure..............then from shitting so much, I got nauseated, and had to suddenly throw up - almost no fucking warning, so I turned around, and barfed in the toilet, and the shit in the toilet smelled so bad, it made me puke even more! :mad:

I managed to get a small amount of puke on my shirt and pants, and some shit in my underwear. it took me 25 mins to get out of the bathroom. I had to wipe off, fucking yuck!

Out of all the Shitty shit experiences, puking and shitting at the same time is the fucking worst.

I'd never want to do that again, and since that moment, I eat more fiber in the mornings.

malamute face 03-14-2005 10:28 AM

One more, not too disastrous…

in high school, a rollerblader has to shit while doing X-TREME tricks at a school. shits behind a trash can right outside a classroom. wipes with knee pad. leaves knee pad on the ground and fruit boots away.

Chris 03-14-2005 10:28 AM

[SIZE=7]THIS THREAD DELIVERS![/SIZE]


:lol:

Chavez 03-14-2005 10:29 AM

[QUOTE=malamute face]One more, not too disastrous…

in high school, a rollerblader has to shit while doing X-TREME tricks at a school. shits behind a trash can right outside a classroom. wipes with knee pad. leaves knee pad on the ground and fruit boots away.[/QUOTE]


I have a malamute....and he's cuet!

malamute face 03-14-2005 10:31 AM

[QUOTE=Chavez]I have a malamute....and he's cuet![/QUOTE]

they are pretty fucking sweet.

jamesey2 03-14-2005 10:33 AM

seriously guys I'm crying over here, from laughter, at work.

Threnx 03-14-2005 10:53 AM

this thread is so funny it made me shit my pants from laughing too hard so I guess that's my poop story

JAke 03-14-2005 11:00 AM

Well, I was at work a while back, working a 10 hour shift. I usually shit at home, but if I have to I’ll shit at work. It was one of those days. I get the call from my abdomen that shit was about to go down, so I walk briskly to the bathroom (which is not just an employee bathroom, it’s also for customers), which has 2 toilets. Ones handicap and the other is a regular one. The handicap one does NOT lock and the door swings open by itself so I always use the regular one. Anyway, I run into the stall not really paying attention, and I sit down on the can and take one NICE big dump. Upon finishing, I noticed a horrendous smell. So of course I do a courtesy flush. While the toilet is flushing, I’m sitting there enjoying myself after my great big shit. Now at this point, I notice my ass getting oddly cold. WTF?! I look down in horror to see the toilet overflowing! FUCK! I didn’t even wipe yet!! And this shit I had just taken by the way was definitely NOT a ghost shit. So I sit there for like 2 seconds trying to figure out what to do. At this point my ass cheeks are getting wet by the water, so I instinctively get up and kind of slouch over so the shit on my asshole doesn’t get all over my cheeks. This is when Along Came Polly and the loofa scene. GREAAAT.

So, by now, the water is overflowing out onto the floor; I was standing in a puddle of piss and toilet water, with a big ass fucking turd getting ready to flop out onto the floor. I only had one choice: get out of the one stall, with my pants down, cock out, and run to the handicap stall so I could wipe my ass. Luckily there was no one in the bathroom so I went for it. I opened the door and did a ‘Keanu Reeves running from the cops in the office building’ kind of run to the other stall. I just ran in...(didn't even bother closing the door since it didn’t even lock anyway) and slammed onto the toilet seat. I must’ve wiped my ass in a world record time, because all I could think about was my manager walking in and seeing a toilet overflowing with a pile of shit on the floor, and me naked in the other stall wiping my ass. Needless to say I finished wiping, tucked in my shirt, washed my hands real quick and walked out of the bathroom :cool:. I still don’t know who found it, but it must’ve been a messy scene lol.

Fiah 03-14-2005 11:12 AM

[QUOTE=Misutiku]
Tucker “WHAT?!? Huh, uh…DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?”
Janitor “AYA, AYA!”[/quote]:lol::lol:waffles

LeomanXVII 03-14-2005 11:16 AM

how come every timne we wipe our ass we have to look at the paper before we put it in the toilet?

Bill Brasky 03-14-2005 11:20 AM

i waffled at the miscarraige in the toilet

MdBlades 03-14-2005 11:21 AM

This thread rocks.

1. Eat greasey onion rings.
2. Get in car to leave.
3. Sharted, with explosive results.
4. Go back in and wipe.
5. Go commando.
6. No profit.

MdBlades 03-14-2005 11:21 AM

[QUOTE=LeomanXVII]how come every timne we wipe our ass we have to look at the paper before we put it in the toilet?[/QUOTE]

You gotta know when your done.

LeomanXVII 03-14-2005 11:26 AM

[QUOTE=MdBlades]You gotta know when your done.[/QUOTE]
ur kinda right but still.. i could tell by the feeling MAYBE

lemcool 03-14-2005 11:27 AM

[QUOTE=LeomanXVII]how come every timne we wipe our ass we have to look at the paper before we put it in the toilet?[/QUOTE]

to make sure u got it all, duh!

RapedApe 03-14-2005 11:30 AM

now everyone is saying go commando after you shit...but...what if you shit while you are commando...?

GhEttOrAiD 03-14-2005 11:34 AM

[QUOTE=Chris][SIZE=7]THIS THREAD DELIVERS![/SIZE]


:lol:[/QUOTE]

eileenbunny 03-14-2005 11:38 AM

[QUOTE=RapedApe]now everyone is saying go commando after you shit...but...what if you shit while you are commando...?[/QUOTE]

Go naked

Buy new pants

Didn't your mom ever tell you not to go out without clean undies on?

lukeswall 03-14-2005 11:38 AM

1)rimming
2)"problems" appear
3)Girl's face on the way
4)...
5)no profit.

true story

[fakeedit1] no

[fakeedit2]yes

[fakeedit3]maybe
Allnighte

Malo 03-14-2005 11:48 AM

Mine is a story told from a slightly different perspective. I must warn you all, it is a tl:dr. But I promise it's worth it

When I was in high school, I had a job at the local grocery store. I was a bagger/cleaner, depending on the day. Well, I live in a small town, so the latest I ever worked was ten, and at that point, the store was devoid of all forms of sentient life, aside from the employees.

Anyways, I was in the back of the store, taking out some garbage, when I hear this over the intercom, through what can only be described as the worst attempt I have ever heard of not laughing, "Will the cleaner please come to the front of the store, there has been an...accident"

I assume it is a fellow coworker trying to play a prank on me, as it was nearly closing time, and there were not many people left in the store. I get up there to see a strage brown, muddy trail, that started about twenty yards from the bathroom. My manager looks at me, with tears in her eyes from laughing, and tells me that I had better start cleaning.

As she says this to me, I turn and look to the bathroom, and what do I see, but an incredibly gross, super-obese woman come out of the bathroom with a triumphant look on her face. Her legs, somehow forced into spandex shorts, are completely covered in shit. Her white shoes were brown. She walks past us with a slight nod as she passed and said "Someone made a mess in the bathroom, i think it should be cleaned"

I then wanted to kill this woman more than anything in the world, she was a horrible beast, that even Orc Fucker wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. After spending the better part of an hour cleaning outside the bathroom, I dared a peek inside.

Now, I can handle a lot of things, but one look in this bathroom made me vomit all of my organs, and even possible some bones. There was shit and blood, literally everywhere. The floor, the walls, the ceiling. The ceiling for christ sakes!!! I don't know what unholy beast decided to torment my life that night, but it looked like the shit demon from Dogma exploded, but with blood. I am honestly convinced the lady went in the bathroom, bent over and just let loose as she ran about the room.

I promptly walked to my manager (who had been counting registers) and said "Well, I'm all finished cleaning. I am going to take off now" She said that was fine, and apologized for what I had to do. As I walked out the door, i turned to her and said "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, The soap needs to be replaced in the bathroom, and I don't have the storeroom key, can you do that for me?"

I then left the store with a very revolted, yet satisfied grin upon my face.

Needless to say, I got a VERY angry phone call when I got home. The only reason I didn't lose my job is that where I worked, if there was any trace of blood, a manager had to be the one to clean it up for sanitation reasons.

Thank god for stupid rules.

Threnx 03-14-2005 11:52 AM

[QUOTE=Malo]Thank god for stupid rules.[/QUOTE]

Good story, A++ will read again

schzim 03-14-2005 11:56 AM

People are staring at me as I read this and laugh.

Shackmaster 03-14-2005 11:58 AM

[QUOTE=Threnx]Good story, A++ will read again[/QUOTE]

QFT

Pinkys Avenger 03-14-2005 12:01 PM

[QUOTE=itburnswhenipee]Ryans Steakhouse story:[/QUOTE]
:lol:

i was gonna post that if no one else did

Dongboy 03-14-2005 12:03 PM

this thread fucking 0wns

Mr_Mike 03-14-2005 12:13 PM

My senior year of High School I worked at Arbys, and every single day at the end of my shift I had to go into the bathroom and clean all the shit that was guaranteed to be plastered to the seats of the toilets. However, one day, it was a bit different. The outside of the single toilet in the mens bathroom was immaculate, but the inside looked like it was filled with toilet paper and chocolate milk. The shade of brown wasn't so much like poop or even diluted poop, but chocolate milk. However, putting the plunger into the mass revealed its darker nature. After the first thick layer of toilet paper broke, I found five nice sized logs below. After the second layer, there was what looked like the source of the chocolate milk color: a massive amount of vomit. After the next layer laid 3 logs. After the next, there was a concluding mass of vomit and small turds that had found their way to the bottom, accompanied by a massive log that would make goatse whimper. Essentially, it was a mass of shit/vomit/toilet paper lasagna.

The only thing that I can make from all that was that someone shit out the massive log, clogged the toilet, and the 4-5 people after that simply shat and vomited into the mass, coating each previous layer with more toilet paper. In the end, I had to plunge this mass of nasty into the abnormally small hole of the toilet. Each careful plunge led to a bit of the chocolate shake nastiness to bubble up, a few drops jumping out. After finishing, three flushes managed to get rid of the persistant logs that remained.

Needless to say, I'm never working fast food again.

Gearhead 03-14-2005 12:17 PM

Mine doesn't compare at all to any of these, but lets just say that I pulled "The Move" just in time and I shit so hard that it woke my parents up.

I then proceeded directly into the shower

Chavez 03-14-2005 12:19 PM

:lol: Funnay is present!

SilkSteel 03-14-2005 12:27 PM

1.Kindergarten
2.Was uncomfortable shitting in public toilets
3.Tried to keep buttcheeks squeezed while waiting for my dad to pick me up - waiting in a line in the class
4.Pressure was too much.. little shit nugget fell out and rolled down the inside of my pants
5.Landed next to me shoe, I kicked it away - no one noticed
6.Teacher stepped on it
7....
8.Profit. :cool:

ThaOre0 03-14-2005 12:36 PM

OMG I'm crying here...FUNNAY IS PRESENT! :lol:

InModWeTrust 03-14-2005 12:37 PM

[QUOTE=SilkSteel]1.Kindergarten
2.Was uncomfortable shitting in public toilets
3.Tried to keep buttcheeks squeezed while waiting for my dad to pick me up - waiting in a line in the class
4.Pressure was too much.. little shit nugget fell out and rolled down the inside of my pants
5.Landed next to me shoe, I kicked it away - no one noticed
6.Teacher stepped on it
7....
8.Profit. :cool:[/QUOTE]
:lol::lol:

M|22's NutZ 03-14-2005 12:38 PM

Im not sure if im telling it right, but my brother told me this story a couple of months ago. He said it happened at his work. Apparently there was this old chinese lady that happened to have a problem controlling her bowels. She snuck into the employee washroom in the back and proceded to lay down a full spread of old people poop. I dont know if you have smelt/seen old people poop, but its a 100x worse than regular shit. The disease that also caused her to not control her bowels also made her shit some greenish color crap - and it reaked.... bad. Getting back to the full spread, apparently she sprayed the whole toilet, floor, and wall with her crap. I guess she decided not to tell anyone because she snuck out and left. No-one found the mess until the next day (employee washroom in the back which no-one really used much) and by then it had dried up somewhat, and had also left the whole shop reaking of crap. They had to close for the day and leave all the doors and windows open until the smell was gone.

Gabbo 03-14-2005 12:57 PM

Haven't read Ryan's Steakhouse in ages, and now im getting light-headed from laughing...

THREAD DELIVERS UNHEARD OF AMOUNTS OF KEKKLEBERRI WAFFLES.
Will click again

muskiwolf 03-14-2005 01:00 PM

oh man this thread is too funny :lol:

when i was like 7 i was at Shopko with my mom and i think i thought that i could hold it till we got home but alas the little brown jewl plopped into my shorts and i shook it out never to be seen again

Suicide King 03-14-2005 01:02 PM

we used to have one of those power shower heads at my house. I didn't really like soaping up my hand and shoving it up my ass so i just used the mega-jet function on the head. Well, one day i was commiting such an act and i guess i squirted something sensitve because i shit ALLOVER the fucking tub! In a panic, i used the mega-jet to spray all the shit down the drain, then i poured shampoo out were the shit had been to try and mask the smell. i got most of it out, and nobody seemed to notice.

it was still embarrasing though :(

edit: i was probably 14 at the time

cliffs:
1. use super-jet shower head to wash ass
2. hit some kind of pooper nerve
3. shit allover the tub.
4. drain pooper and use shampoo to hide smell
5. ...
6. profit killed itself

Rucker 03-14-2005 01:02 PM

when I was really little I was playing in the park next door to my grandmas house and really had to poop. I finally started home because I couldn't hold it anymore. Right in the living room, in front of my grandma, a little round turd fell out of my shorts. I said it was a rock I found at the park and picked it up and put it in my pocket and went to the bathroom :lol:

Chris 03-14-2005 01:07 PM

[QUOTE=SilkSteel]1.Kindergarten
2.Was uncomfortable shitting in public toilets
3.Tried to keep buttcheeks squeezed while waiting for my dad to pick me up - waiting in a line in the class
4.Pressure was too much.. little shit nugget fell out and rolled down the inside of my pants
5.Landed next to me shoe, I kicked it away - no one noticed
6.Teacher stepped on it
7....
8.Profit. :cool:[/QUOTE]

ah ha ha ha! :lol:

FordSupraFanatic 03-14-2005 01:12 PM

I farted a bunch today during school.

powertickle 03-14-2005 01:27 PM

omfg :lol: :lol: waffles

I'm dying

em-3 03-14-2005 01:30 PM

1.playing video games
2.feel an urge
3.resist urge and game on
4.i feel a "fart" coming
5.fart came and so did the load
6.lost the game
7.lost at life

Retardedchicken 03-14-2005 01:33 PM

1.had a soccer game at an indoor arena
2.had to shit before i started (i was goalie, played all game)
3.walked into the stall
4.saw shit all over the tank and wall behind it BUT NOT ON THE TOILET SEAT, water was clean and all
5.so nasty i washed my face/hands for just seeing it
6.walked out still needing to shit
6.lost the game
8...
9.no profit :(


this thread=A+

powertickle 03-14-2005 01:35 PM

Actually now that I think of it, I have two good shit stories from when I was younger.

I was 8 years old. I was a hot summer day, and I was sitting in the back of my Mom's van as she drove me and my siblings home. We were on our way home from my Grandma's house after a long day of swimming in her inground pool; it was about a 40 minute drive on the parkway from her house to ours. Anyway, about halfway home, I felt the beginnings of post pool diarrhea. You know the uncomfortable weighty feeling you get in your bowels after you've been swimming for a long time, indicating that something is horribly, horribly wrong.

So natrually, being 8, I said "Mommy I have to poop."

"You can hold it until we get home, okay?"

Ok. Fine.

So like a good little boy I hold it for another 20 minutes or so, until we get into the center of the town that we live in. By now, I [i]really[/i] have to shit, and I begin to feel the slithery excrement making it's way to my asshole. I know that I can't hold it until I get home, and I also know that I don't want to shit myself wearing swim trunks and sitting in the back of my mom's van.

"Mom, I really can't hold it anymore, can you pull over here please?"

Now she's a little aggrivated: "No! You can hold it until we get home!"

"But mom I really have to go!"

"JUST HOLD IT IN, WE'LL BE HOME IN 5 MINUTES"

"NO! IT'S COMING OUT!"

"SON OF A BITCH!"

Well she finally pulled over, and I rushed my little skinny 8 year old clenched ass into the gas station bathroom without saying a word to the attendant whom just looked at me with a knowing smirk. Took a huge diarrhea, and left. When I got back to the car though, I noticed a brown skidmark on the seat where I had been sitting, and my family was silent the rest of the way home.

My mom is a bitch.

Malo 03-14-2005 01:37 PM

[QUOTE=Threnx]Good story, A++ will read again[/QUOTE]

:lol: thanks! Nice avatar btw!

Blueacid 03-14-2005 01:38 PM

[img]http://img58.exs.cx/img58/8445/lol5qc.gif[/img]

edit: balut?

stapler 03-14-2005 02:14 PM

this thread is making me waffle uncontrollably at the lab at school :lol:


i have two good ones myself:

first, i was a little scared confused 1st grader in a catholic school. one fine day at late recess i start feeling a little bowel pressure. This is certainly a sign of trouble to come. I go sit in this little unoccupied playground equipment thing made of an old sewer pipe and proceed to shit myself with unimaginable fury. Now, being a little kid in 1st grade, i wasn't exactly sure what to do, and i was feeling very much like the scared kid without his mom; so i just sat in the pipe until my teacher literally pulled me out and noticed the diarrhea stains on the pipe, and my leg. I was rushed to a little-used downstairs bathroom where my teacher waited for my mom to show up, all the while handing me fresh clothes, while i sat on that toilet....still shitting

every few minutes she asked if i was done:lol:



the second event was more recent, and any distance runners here will sympathize:

i was running an 18 mile marathon training run in a remote mountain park outside of Boulder, CO. Now, occasionally running- especially very long distance- can really jerk your bowels into a fit of crapping, and i suddenly noticed during this run that i needed to poop. NOW. I was near no shitting facility, had no wiping paraphernaila, i was about 8 mi away from my car, and no shelter from other runners or cyclists. I tried to run back (having had this feeling before, but not so early in the run, i thought i could get back to the parking-lot portapotty), but about a mile later i was in full scale agony, and reduced to a walk. My poor little chocolate starfish could take no more squeezing...nobody should ever have that much lactic acid built up in their butthole. No chance of the portacrapper...i was gonna blow a load of nasty...now. I go behind a little hill by a pond, shit leaking into my bike shorts, and perform the "Move" just in time for my formidable colon to explode in an orgy of poop. The power of this release from my ass- and plenty of pressurized pockets of gas along with it- nearly shook the earth; a flock of disgusted birds took quick flight. I used my favorite running shirt (RIP) to wipe off a beautiful smear of ass-juice, and left the scene as quickly as i could, noting that that the smell could drop a donkey, and the gas explosions were probably heard as far away as Denver:(

ever since that fateful day, i've brought a few kleenex with me to clean up, or worn a cheap shirt

EDIT: luckily the marathon spasms are very, very rare

stapler 03-14-2005 02:15 PM

[QUOTE=Blueacid][img]http://img58.exs.cx/img58/8445/lol5qc.gif[/img]

edit: balut?[/QUOTE]


a bit more of the waffles stuff and i might just valut! this bisnotch Feigned

malamute face 03-14-2005 02:19 PM

poor 1st grade stapler.

my nephew saw the mr. hanky south park and smeared his shit all over the bathroom. then my brother and i got in deep shit for letting him watch it.

Suicide King 03-14-2005 02:20 PM

[QUOTE=stapler]stuff[/QUOTE]
i like the description in the second one. :lol:

schzim 03-14-2005 02:20 PM

For more hilarious poop stories and the definition of an upperdecker check out
[url]http://antiupperdeck.com/otherstories.html[/url]

SlickChicFallen 03-14-2005 02:21 PM

3 stories, all good...

1) At f00ker's mom's place to have dinner; his sister and brother in law are there too. We're all playing mario tennis or something and I feel the urge coming on. I keep playing because the game isn't even half way done. By the time the game ends, I know I'm gonna shit myself if I don't go now, but they all want to play another game, and I'm all "no... no... I've had enough for now", my voice strained. So I end up throwing the controller down, I walk as quickly as possible to the toilet and promptly UNLOAD. Oh. My. God. That felt so good... the flood gates had been opened and the pressure was all gone. Only problem was that it STUNK like HELL. I end up coming out of the bathroom 20 minutes later. Apparently his sister had been waiting to use the bathroom when I was done. So I walk out, sheepish look on my face, and begin to walk away. I turn to look over my shoulder to see her walk in, and a split second later walk RIGHT back out, her eyes seeming to water and a disgusted look on her face.

SO EMBARASSING! :(

2) Going along with the pissing/shitting/vommitting theme y'all have going... Four or five years ago I remember quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life. I hadn't been feeling well all evening, so I eventually go outside to get some fresh air since that had a tendency to make myself feel better. Five or so minutes pass and I realize that my entire stomach region hurts like mad and that I'm gonna puke. So I start looking around frantically for somewhere to puke. No dice. Pain in abdomen continues to grow to excruciating levels. So finally I puke. Not only to I puke all over the front porch, I POWER PUKE all over the front porch; vomit spraying everywhere. With the vomit still coming out of my mouth, I that something funny is going on with my back end. Shit. Oh shit. And LOTS of it! Not only did I have the flu, I had diarhhea. And it was the squeezing of the abdominal muscles was enough to propell the pent-up excrement out of my ass and FILL my sweatpants!
My mom finally comes out and I have to sheepishly tell her that I'd had an accident. I waddle into the bathroom, 20 or so yards away, and I had to walk past the dining room table, at which my entire family was still eating. VERY EMBARASSING. So I clean up, shower, get new clothing on, etc etc.
But the story doesn't end there (I wish it had, though). I spend the rest of the night vommitting and shitting myself at least half a dozen times. I sleep on the bathroom floor in my parents' room because that was the closest bathroom to my room. At one point I woke up and couldn't even make it to the toilet and shat all over the floor. I spend the next few hours cleaning it up. To this day, I can still see a very slight discoloring of the carpet where it happened :(

3) This actually happened a few nights ago, hehe... My parents, f00ker, my niece (6 yrs old), and a few friends of the family all decide to go to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Everyone eats, fun is had by all, etc etc. By the end of the evening, f00ker and I realized we both needed to shit really really bad. So f00ker and I hop into my car and speed back to my parents' house. He heads for the downstairs bathroom, and I to the upstairs one (in my parents' room because there was no way in hell I was gonna use my brothers'... but in retrospect, I probably should have). I make it there just in the nick of time, sit down, and unload. It wasn't so much big logs as it was the sheery quantity of small ones. Over a dozen of them, it was ridiculous. Suddenly I hear the downstairs (front) door open. Shit, everyone's back. After a minute or so I hear little footsteps coming up the stairs and someone knocks on the door. Its my niece. I tell her I'm almost done and I'll be out in a minute. Well, I start to panic. My niece, I love her and all, but she doesn't understand that its kinda rude to comment about anything *left* in the bathroom when you enter. Well, I finally get out of the bathroom, and she goes in. At this point, f00ker is waiting for me at the top of the stairs (door to parents room), and my niece suddenly pops her head out the door and says "Julia, you left some poop in the toilet! and it stinks!"
:eek:
f00ker and my mother (who heard it too) both bust up laughing, while I stand there utterly stunned. After a moment I laugh too, but I gently scold her, and go about my business.

Kids say the damnnest things :eek:

stapler 03-14-2005 02:25 PM

[QUOTE=schzim]For more hilarious poop stories and the definition of an upperdecker check out
[url]http://antiupperdeck.com/otherstories.html[/url][/QUOTE]


waffles at upperdecking

Charlitos 03-14-2005 02:33 PM

[QUOTE=damnit]1. Go to hot chicks house.
2. Drink wine and beer.
3. Stomach problems.
4. Shit my pants and her floor.
5...
6. Now shes my girlfriend
7. Profit.[/QUOTE]

I thin i remeber that, did you ever post that story here ?

Reverend Winte 03-14-2005 02:43 PM

this is from a friend

1.big big poop too big to come out...
2.shove fingers up ass to break up poop
3.poop
4.tell friends
5.
6.no profit

Zero3803 03-14-2005 02:44 PM

Mine isnt really a disaster, in fact, it isnt even my shit. I was basically driving my dads car down the interstate with him in the passenger seat. It was about 11 at night or so and we were going to shoot some pool down in marietta. My dad, inevitably had been drinking before we went, so I guess he didnt really think farting while drunk could be a bad choice. Well, midway to our exit he says, "David, take the next ramp" I respond questionably, "Why, this isnt even our exit" To which he replies, much to my amazement, "I've just shit my pants.." Now this is where it got gross for me, I asked him if he was serious and he actually unzips himself and sticks his hand down the back of his pants and sniffs it, and responds in an almost proud tone, "Yep". So, I basically drive him home with a shitty finger and myself nauseated beyond belief from what just took place. :(

[H]orny 03-14-2005 02:56 PM

First a little back ground info.

Back in High School there was this guy my friends and I would hang out with, Stefan. He was like the kid with the pool, you don't really like him and only really hang out with him for the pool, or in his case a place to party and a liquor cabinet to raid.

We're on our way to his house and he's complaining to hurry up but doesn't say why. We get there and he rushes in without turning on any lights and takes off upstairs. I follow in behind him and step on something squishy. I hit the lights and see little nuggets of shit all through out the house leading up the steps. I take off my socks and throw them in the garbage. Now he has 3 cats so I yelled out that his cats had shit all over the place. He comes down shortly after and cleans everything up. Now for some reason I hadn't put two and two together.

Later that night he pulls me aside and for some reason decides to confess that the shit was his. It then dawned on me that the shit must've snaked down his pants as he ran to the washroom. Now since I didn't like this kid much to begin with I proceded to tell all the other people there and if that wasn't enough the next day everyone in school found out.

From that day forth everyone referred to him as "Shitty".

To top off this story the next time we were there his mom gave me a plastic bag which I discovered had my socks in them. She must've reached into the trash picked up my shit stained socks and cleaned them for me. I gave her a :wtf: then walked over and threw them in the trash right in front of her.

Since then I've been able to admit to stepping in human excrement other then my own.

M4D_M00S3 03-14-2005 02:57 PM

A friend of mine was taking some kind of medicine that gave him diarrhea as a side affect. I made him laugh and he shit his pants. We were at a party so he went outside, took his socks off and wiped his ass with them, then buried his socks in the flower garden under the mulch.

bluechip 03-14-2005 03:08 PM

vault

Gearhead 03-14-2005 03:13 PM

[QUOTE=Charlitos]I thin i remeber that, did you ever post that story here ?[/QUOTE]


PovRayMan posted something like that

Misutiku 03-14-2005 03:20 PM

I forgot to put in the ending of the tucker max story the second one. He ends up getting banned from the hotel chain for life.

Feigned 03-14-2005 03:25 PM

[QUOTE=SilkSteel]1.Kindergarten
2.Was uncomfortable shitting in public toilets
3.Tried to keep buttcheeks squeezed while waiting for my dad to pick me up - waiting in a line in the class
4.Pressure was too much.. little shit nugget fell out and rolled down the inside of my pants
5.Landed next to me shoe, I kicked it away - no one noticed
6.Teacher stepped on it
7....
8.Profit. :cool:[/QUOTE]

Been there done that. :cool:

I'm reading that Upperdecking site. :lol:

King of Blades 03-14-2005 03:29 PM

:lol: My face is sore from laughing

Suicide King 03-14-2005 03:30 PM

[QUOTE=King of Blades]:lol: My face is sore from laughing[/QUOTE]
you've gotta be SHITTING me.

heh

Lynnakitty 03-14-2005 03:30 PM

:lol: :lol: You sharted!

Pyrogenesis 03-14-2005 03:34 PM

Here's a story that's been around so long at my Bible College that it's become an urban ledgend here.

This guy had this really big crush on this girl who he'd known for a while, and after a few months he finally worked up the courage to ask her out. She says yes, and he arranges to pick her up at 6:00. Well, he's as nervous as a paranoid cat in a Chinese Takeaway and he arrives at 5:20, coz being early is good and all. She's not ready, so he has to wait. Coz he's so nervous, he's put his ass into overdrive and needs to crap. He needs to crap bad. So he goes into the bathroom, takes a massive dump, and finds out that there's no toilet paper. At this point he's freaking out, so he takes off his socks and wipes his ass, and flushes. But ack noes, the toilet blocks and overflows crap, piss and socks all over the toilet floor. So he panics madly, climbs out the window and runs away.

Worst date evar? Maybe, but they're married now :D

Suicide King 03-14-2005 03:36 PM

[QUOTE=Pyrogenesis]Here's a story that's been around so long at my Bible College that it's become an urban ledgend here.

This guy had this really big crush on this girl who he'd known for a while, and after a few months he finally worked up the courage to ask her out. She says yes, and he arranges to pick her up at 6:00. Well, he's as nervous as a paranoid cat in a Chinese Takeaway and he arrives at 5:20, coz being early is good and all. She's not ready, so he has to wait. Coz he's so nervous, he's put his ass into overdrive and needs to crap. He needs to crap bad. So he goes into the bathroom, takes a massive dump, and finds out that there's no toilet paper. At this point he's freaking out, so he takes off his socks and wipes his ass, and flushes. But ack noes, the toilet blocks and overflows crap, piss and socks all over the toilet floor. So he panics madly, climbs out the window and runs away.

Worst date evar? Maybe, but they're married now :D[/QUOTE]

that was Dumb

and Dumber.

darkninja67 03-14-2005 03:39 PM

I hate the Spike. :(

Genualdi 03-14-2005 03:43 PM

Probably the most embarassing moment of my life to date. I was 6 years old and had been home from school with the flu for a couple of days. After breakfast I went into the other room to watch TV. After a little while my mom came in with a story to read. I sat on her lap and she began to read.

About half way into the story, I barely got out, "Mommy I have to ---," and then it all began. I farted, and full on started to shit my pants. This was no normal shit however...the night before my mom had made spicy quesadillas, and, thinking I was all better, I had a piece. So, on top of shitting my pants AND on my mother, it burnt like hell and I started to cry.

While this goes on, my mom of course has to get a gag reflex and vomits. With me in her lap. I got vomited on. Now of course, the pain of shitting, coupled with the smell, and the fact that I just got vomited on, caused me to vomit as well.

Essentially, in the span of about 10 seconds, I shat on my mom, got vomited on, and vomited on myself. Quite traumatizing. The couch eventually got laundered, and now sits in my room, only slightly discolored. (On the underside of the cushions of course ;)) And to this day, I still haven't finished Thomas the Tank Engine.

JulianDelphiki 03-14-2005 03:45 PM

[QUOTE=stapler]
the second event was more recent, and any distance runners here will sympathize:

i was running an 18 mile marathon training run in a remote mountain park outside of Boulder, CO. Now, occasionally running- especially very long distance- can really jerk your bowels into a fit of crapping, and i suddenly noticed during this run that i needed to poop. NOW. I was near no shitting facility, had no wiping paraphernaila, i was about 8 mi away from my car, and no shelter from other runners or cyclists. I tried to run back (having had this feeling before, but not so early in the run, i thought i could get back to the parking-lot portapotty), but about a mile later i was in full scale agony, and reduced to a walk. My poor little chocolate starfish could take no more squeezing...nobody should ever have that much lactic acid built up in their butthole. No chance of the portacrapper...i was gonna blow a load of nasty...now. I go behind a little hill by a pond, shit leaking into my bike shorts, and perform the "Move" just in time for my formidable colon to explode in an orgy of poop. The power of this release from my ass- and plenty of pressurized pockets of gas along with it- nearly shook the earth; a flock of disgusted birds took quick flight. I used my favorite running shirt (RIP) to wipe off a beautiful smear of ass-juice, and left the scene as quickly as i could, noting that that the smell could drop a donkey, and the gas explosions were probably heard as far away as Denver:(

ever since that fateful day, i've brought a few kleenex with me to clean up, or worn a cheap shirt

EDIT: luckily the marathon spasms are very, very rare[/QUOTE]


i know exactly how that is : (

thats why i usually wear a cheap white t-shirt when i go for my long runs, the kind you get in a 6 pack for 10$

shake 03-14-2005 03:46 PM

The following is an in-flight recording of a conversation between 2 pilots in a 2 seater fighter jet...
enjoy.
[url]http://home.planet.nl/~slui0628/genmay/sierraflightsuit.wav[/url]

edit: if you can help hosting thatd be cool...

damnit 03-14-2005 03:47 PM

Heres the original thread I made after crapping myself at hot chick's place:

WARNING: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT EXPLAINING THIS

The plan tonight was to drink at a hot chick's house, then go to a bar a couple blocks down to watch some bands play at my favorite dive.

Well, after leaving a family gathering, I went home to grab something to eat, shit, and shower. I went to the local Mexican place, Saguaros. Best California burritos ever. I got a quesadilla in the drive thru, went home, browsed genmay, ate the quesadilla, took a shower/shit, and left to the girls house. On the way, I went to the local liquor store and grasbbed a $7.59 bottle of Merlot, and 2 tall cans of Papst.

On the way to the girls house, I called her and she said she would be picking up some weed, but she would leave the door unlocked so I could go inside and chill. I arrived, poured two glasses of wine, and waited. I caught the last part of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. She got home, we smoked some bowls, drank the bottle of wine, and shared a can of Papst. We went to the bar, met up with her ex-bf, my bestfriend, and they played a game of pool. I got a beer and the bartender broke off two parts of the rim of the bottle. I didn't realize for awhile, decided I wouldn't cut myself, and drank 3/4 of the beer, then got a new free one. Totally partyin'. The next band up sucked, so we deicded to go drive around downtown for awhile.

On the way back to the bar, I had the gnarliest stomach ache. The kind that makes you want to take a shit immediately. I informed driver and he hurried up, but then it subsided. It was a sharp pain to the lower stomach, relaxing the seatbelt seemed to help. So we were going back to the bar, and best friend said something fucked up to his ex or something. She got pissed and made him stop, and got out. 30th street in North Park San Diego isn't the greastest place, so I told my friend to go to the bar, that I would walk her the short way home to her place, and would meet up with him later. I walked her home, she was bitching about my best friend, I tried to console her, whatever. I just didn't want her to get harrassed on the way home as fucked up as she was physically and mentally. We got to her place, I hovered around the door trying to leave as she kept on talking, but she didn't skip a beat and invited me in to smoke with her. I did, and we talked some more, and the pain started again.

I said I had to leave to go home so I could take a shit, and she said to wait for her to pee, then I could shit there. So she went to the bathroom, and the pain came HARDCORE. I stood up and squeezed my asscheeks, trying to hold it in, but I felt the baby's head leave my sphincter. I tried as hard as I coudl to keep it in, becuase I heard her finishing up, but as I started walking to the door, it all let itself go.

I can remember 3 distinct splatters hitting the rust-colored carpet, and I used the bag from the wine and the beer to quickly pick up the chunks before she opened the door. I think I was still leaning over when she exited the bathroom, but I just placed the two bags on the counter and ran inside the bathroom. It was now flowing all over.

I felt the seeping warmth run down my leg as I tried to hold my shorts/ass together, but just ran and threw my shorts down as my ass hovered over the tiolet. I sat down and let it flow. It was nasty. Watery anal chunks splashing into the toilet, totally splattered all over the bowl, and then i realized my boxers were dripping wet with shit, as well as my pants and my socks/shoes. I sat until I felt no more loose anus, then spent an hour in the bathroom trying to clean it all up. I had to wash the inside of my shorts. they were covered in shit and slimy diahhera shit. the toilet seat had shit on it from the backs of my legs/ass, adn there was shit on the carpet and liniolium floor. I used my socks to clean it all up, I think I did an alright job except for the goo that penetrated the carpet. I put on my wet shorts, sans boxers, put on my cleaned shoes, and left the bathroom I opened the sliding door, and she was asleep, or pretending to be asleep on the couch. I wiped up the splatters on the kitchen floor from dumping the paper bags over there, found a plastic bag, put boxers/socks/bags in it, and locked that shit up tight. I said her name a couple times, then decided was probably pretending to be asleep, and left her apartment building. I dumped the plastic bag o surprise in a recycling bin down the street, and walked to the bar to get my car.

Used a shirt in my car to cover the seat, and went home. I just goit out of the shower after cleaning my ass and shorts, and my shoes still smell shitty/

Cliffs of long long thread:

1. Bought wine and beer and wine
2, went to hot chicks house
3. went to bar
4. left bar with friend and hot chick
5. i have stomach problems.
6. chick gets mad at friend, i walk her home
7. we party for awhile
8. stomach problems happen again
9. she takes piss
10. i shit myself waiting for the bathroom
11. i clean up mess
12. shes asleep
13. i leave.
14. wash/shower at home
15. poasting
16....
17. no profit.

radeonic2 03-14-2005 03:51 PM

I would read the whole thrad if I had the patience.
Stopped reading after the dude who shit all over the hotel.
in 5th or 6th grade, walking home, I shit my pants when im like 5 yards away from my house.
No profit.

wadie 03-14-2005 03:58 PM

[QUOTE=shake]The following is an in-flight recording of a conversation between 2 pilots in a 2 seater fighter jet...
enjoy.
[url]http://home.planet.nl/~slui0628/genmay/sierraflightsuit.wav[/url]

edit: if you can help hosting thatd be cool...[/QUOTE]

:lol:

Affinity 03-14-2005 04:02 PM

No bad stories here

neonlights 03-14-2005 04:06 PM

Here's a couple:

1) Junior year in high school 6 of my friends and I spent a LOT of time at my friend Jim's house. One time, my friend Mikey fell asleep on the couch. Jim had the "amazing" talent of forcing himself to fart. Well, he was all hunched over my friend, and started force-farting on his head. Mikey woke up from the smell, as Jim was forcing his last one out. All of a sudden, he stood up really straight, cupped his hands around the bottom of his ass and took off running for the bathroom. We all stood there in silence, and then realized what happened and started laughing in hysterics. As we walked towards the bathroom to make fun of him, we noticed a small trail of shit on the floor.

2) Last year, I went on a trip to Florida, and ate at some authentic-Jewish resteraunt. Needless to say, about 10pm that night, my stomach was NOT agreeing with what I ate. I thought my stomach was just cramping up really badly, but no... I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for literally half an hour. At the end, I ended up taking a shit so big it ripped my ass apart. My ass bled everytime I took a shit for about two weeks afterwards. :( If getting DITB is anything like that, I'm never doing anal :(

3) During my freshman year in college, my friends and I were sitting in the cafeteria that was across campus from our dorm. Now keep in mind that, the food was famous for killing your colon. Anyway, so I'm sitting in my chair talking and I feel the urge to rip ass really badly. So I figure I'll let it go, no big deal. Right? Wrong. :( I ended up sharting myself in the middle of the cafeteria while wearing khaki pants. So I told my friend what happened, and she walked behind me while I kind of waddled to the bathroom. I ended up taking my pants off and balling them up. She gave me her XXL hoodie, and we walked back to the dorm together, her in a tshirt, and me with no pants on. This wouldn't have been so bad, had it not been February, and a foot of snow on the ground :(
Luckily, none of my friends ever made fun of me about it, because apparently everyone's shit themselves after eating the school food. :lol:

Baloneyflaps 03-14-2005 04:08 PM

I've had a poop disaster.

It was about 2 years ago on my last deployment. My platoon was on our off days, so we had a BBQ and stayed up until the wee hours drinking like madmen, watching movies and playing Unreal Tournament in the communal area. The living quarters were Williams Scotsman modular buildings (think lego-style configurable trailer houses) the common area had a 60 inch projection TV, a couple couches, a bunch of chairs, a fridge, microwave, some computers, and shit like that. It was a big open area surrounded by 2-man rooms.

Anyway, I got drunk (as almost all did) and went to bed... I crashed in my jeans. Somehow I managed to take my shoes off. Somewhere around the asscrack of dawn, my stomach churned, and I had a bit of a cramp. Not that surprising considering all the drinking and eating. I grimaced, waited it out, and rolled over expecting to go back to sleep.

About a minute passed, and I think I was close to sleep again. Then, cramp. Bad cramp. Serious bubbly guts. In an awful hungover sleepy haze, I thought that I might have to go to the shitter, but I still wasn't wanting to get out of bed. So there I lay, and still I hoped it would pass. As I lay half suspiciously waiting for the next attack and half thinking the same would not come again, it hit.

It felt like a porcupine sumo did a backflip in my abdomen. Literally, my stomach MOVED. It made sounds I've never heard *gerBLUNK* *GraaaarrrrRRRRRRR* *bubbleGLORG*. I winced with the pain, and for a millisecond I thought I needed to rip a good morning fart. Before the thought could truly formulate wholly, my renegade colon was sending my sphincter a big "fuck you". I locked my virgin boy-pussy up tight, and I'm sure my eyes fairly bulged from my skull as I sat up in my bed-- resolved at last that it WAS TIME.

I was squeezing my hoop with all I had, even with muscles not attached to it. I think all of me was tensed. I decided to go.

I swung my left leg over the side of the bed to get up and as I focused my attention more on walking and spread my previously locked together ass cheeks and legs, the 3rd wave hit.

I don't think I was totally in a standing position by the time the shit was hitting the back of my left knee.

I managed to lock that shit up tight, but there I stood... hungover, with liquid shit running down my left pants leg, dripping off my ankle on to the floor. So what then? I'm covered in shit, and am hurting needing to shit more. I knew I could never walk without shitting more. And I could hear the TV on in the common area, so at least one person was already in there watching cartoons. I couldn't go to the latrine without me streaming poop across what was our livingroom and having a witness to see me trail shit.

So, there I stood. I knew I couldn't leave the room in that condition.

So I shat.

And shat.

And shat.

It ran down my leg like the river Ganges.


I stood there, and I kept shitting.


Finally, the flow stopped and I was foul, the room was stinking like you wouldn't believe and there was a pool of crap under me. I thank my lucky stars my roommate was on leave. I opened the window (it was freezing cold) still the stink was enormous. Trying not to make a bigger mess, I undressed, and started to clean myself with anything cloth within reach. I soon ran out of my stuff, and started to grab his to wipe my ass, legs, and the floor. Before long I had a huge pile of shit covered clothes.

When the best cleaning I could do was done, I knew I had to go to the laundromat. Again, I had a dilemma. I couldn't walk out with a load of clothes stinking so bad. I had to use like 5 trash bags double up and practically RUN to the laundromat so the stench wouldn't permeate. Fortunately, no one was washing clothes when I got the washing machines at 6 AM.

stapler 03-14-2005 04:25 PM

[QUOTE=Genualdi][color=red] I shat on my mom[/color], got vomited on, and vomited on myself[/QUOTE]

[quote=BaloneyFlaps]I stood there, and I kept shitting.[/quote]


these have got to be the two funniest things i've heard since my mom popped me out those 21 years ago

Heathen-Yak 03-14-2005 04:29 PM

1. mom made awesome bean dip
2. took some home
3. at it all while working on a web page
4. felt fine
5. ..........
6. gf calls
7. imense feeling that I had to shit
8. stomach cramps
9. shitting for 2 hours, 4 flushes
10. visable CORN in shit
11. felt like ass all day today
12..................
13. no profit

Baloneyflaps 03-14-2005 04:32 PM

[QUOTE=stapler]these have got to be the two funniest things i've heard since my mom popped me out those 21 years ago[/QUOTE]


You have no idea how I felt right then. Have you any idea how unnatural a feeling it is, to just stand and shit down your pants leg onto the floor? I was in shock, to say the least to find myself in a situation where my best option was just to be standing, AND SHITTING MY PANTS.

Suicide King 03-14-2005 04:33 PM

[QUOTE=Baloneyflaps]I've had a poop disaster.

It felt like a porcupine sumo did a backflip in my abdomen. Literally, my stomach MOVED. It made sounds I've never heard *gerBLUNK* *GraaaarrrrRRRRRRR* *bubbleGLORG*. I winced with the pain, and for a millisecond I thought I needed to rip a good morning fart. Before the thought could truly formulate wholly, my renegade colon was sending my sphincter a big "fuck you". I locked my virgin boy-pussy up tight, and I'm sure my eyes fairly bulged from my skull as I sat up in my bed-- resolved at last that it WAS TIME.
.[/QUOTE]

omg best paragraph i've ever read :lol:

(Bob) Dylan 03-14-2005 04:37 PM

holy mother fuck, this thread is hilarious! I'm fuckin crying over here!

Genualdi 03-14-2005 04:46 PM

[QUOTE=stapler]these have got to be the two funniest things i've heard since my mom popped me out those 21 years ago[/QUOTE]
It wasn't so much funny as it was mind-blowingly traumatizing and indescribably gross. I still remember the "shower". :barf: *Shudder* But I guess if you can get a good laugh out of it, I've done my job. :(

edit: I think im gonna go take a risk and try to read Thomas the Tank Engine...

HoopDogg 03-14-2005 04:51 PM

ah, I fuckin love that story. :lol:

Baloneyflaps 03-14-2005 04:51 PM

[QUOTE=SuicideKing]omg best paragraph i've ever read :lol:[/QUOTE]

:heart:


After all the washing, all the scrubbing, all the Lysol and air freshener... I told everyone what had happened eventually including my roommate. Though disgusted, they all got a good laugh out of it, and I still get fucked with about it. :lol:

bluechip 03-14-2005 04:53 PM

Holy god this thread is hilarious.

Aldaris 03-14-2005 04:57 PM

[QUOTE=malamute face]sorry :(

aldaris i like your g.i. joe quote :D[/QUOTE]
wow, just caught this post. thanks :D <3 Fensler Films GI-Joe spinoffs :D

VanFanel 03-14-2005 05:18 PM

I think the most hilarious thing that happened to me was back when I was about 6-7 years old. Back then we lived at an apartment building, and just got to the building from school. Normally, either my grandfolks or my folks would be home to let me in (it was one of those buzzer entra[b][/b]nces), but apperantly that fateful day, no one was home... I had no key.... I had to shit, really really bad.

Sooo.... off to the front lawn I go, take a massive dump... then to be curteous I go back to the front of the building where there is a bigass plant with huge leaves, rip two leaves off, use one to wipe myself... and the other to cover up the poop.


Mind you, while I was shitting people were passing by - giving me the oddest looks ever :lol:

contrad1ktion 03-14-2005 05:18 PM

FAT FUCK INDIAN GUY WALKS IN ON ME

im at school taking a shit.

never taking a shit at school again.


edit: i'll tell the story now

I'm at school...and it's first period. i need to take a shit bad...i have no idea why i need to shit in the morning, but i have to go.

so i go to the newest bathrooms in the school. these have doors, locks on the doors, and nice clean toilets. i wipe everything clean, put the paper cover on, and begin my business...

im shittin some nice sized turds when i hear a big guy stomp in. Ok, so i'm shitting and some fatass walks in...stupidly enough, he walks up to my stall thinking it's empty, slams the door the wrong way, and breaks the lock.

as he takes one step in, i start cussing him out with my pants at my ankles....fucking fat indian fag.... he leaves, doesnt even do his business, and goes bye bye. even now, that door is still fucked up.

Suicide King 03-14-2005 05:23 PM

[QUOTE=contrad1ktion]FAT FUCK INDIAN GUY WALKS IN ON ME

im at school taking a shit.

never taking a shit at school again.[/QUOTE]
the stalls at my school don't even have fucking doors :wtf:

neonfish07 03-14-2005 05:27 PM

[QUOTE=contrad1ktion]FAT FUCK INDIAN GUY WALKS IN ON ME

im at school taking a shit.

never taking a shit at school again.[/QUOTE]
sanjay?

Retardedchicken 03-14-2005 05:43 PM

[QUOTE=Baloneyflaps]*gerBLUNK* *GraaaarrrrRRRRRRR* *bubbleGLORG*.[/QUOTE]

A+++ sound effects :lol:

Ayres 03-14-2005 05:49 PM

When I was 18ish I was walking home with a friend of mine... I felt the urge.. figured I could hold it for the 15 or so minutes walk until I got to my place.. 3 blocks from my house I know it's coming, I feel light headed and I know I have to vacate the bowels.. I run up into someones yard (I figured it was an unused area of someones house) and got my pants down as i started to shit.. half of it ended up in my pants and the other half all over the welcome mat of someones basement apartment.. woops.. right outside their door... my friend was busting a gut on the sidewalk.. .I tied my jacket around my waist and jogged home.. cut through the neighbours yard and headed up to the bathroom to shower.. my friend came in and told my mom.. all I could hear was their hysterical laughter..

ahh good times, haha

corrosive23 03-14-2005 05:50 PM

When I was about 13-14 my friend, his little brother and I were walking back to his house from the grocery store when his brother starts whining about having to shit, so he gives him the keys and tells him to run and go then. It takes like 10 minutes to get there and we go upstairs. IT REEKS OF SHIT. We open the bathroom door which is ajar and shit is EVERYHWERE. He had pushed his pants down and shot shit all over the wall, shower door, and toilet. :eek:

Thantos 03-14-2005 05:55 PM

moar poop [size=1]disasters[/size]! only until the flow of poop [size=1]disasters[/size] has stopped shall this thread be vaulted!

[size=1]mods willing[/size]

yoda634 03-14-2005 05:55 PM

A bunch of friends and I got bored one night. We went up to this rich neighborhood, (homes starting in the upper 400's) and decided to drive around looking for open garages to steal stuff out of. So, there were like 6 of us, and we all piled into this one kid's truck, because the only other vehicle of choice was an M3, and that wasn't the most practical vehicle of choice for this excursion. So we pull up to this one house, the two kids in the bed jump out, grab a motorized scooter out of the garage and haul ass back to the truck. We stop somewhere and play around with the scooter for a while, then my friend (who had the M3) said that he needed to take a shit, so we should go get his car and head back to his house. So, we all get back in the truck and he's in the bed. Now, this neighborhood is huge, it takes us about 20 minutes to get back to where we left the M3. He keeps saying shit like "hurry up, Matt, I've really got to take a dump," so we're flying through the neighborhood at like 45-50 (it's the middle of the night, no traffic) trying to get him to his car so he can get home and shit. All of a sudden, BAM, we hit a fucking speedbump, get airborne in a goddamn full-size Chevy pickup, and then we hear Kevin in the back go "UGGHHHH". We didn't fully realize the gravity of the situation until about 30 seconds later we smell shit. We all started laughing, and closed the windows between the cab and the bed so we wouldn't smell him anymore.

Disclaimer: This was long ago. I was stupider then. I don't do shit like steal out of garages any more. Actually, I never did, but I'm smart enough now not to hang around with people who do.

stapler 03-14-2005 05:58 PM

[QUOTE=Thantos]moar poop [size=1]disasters[/size]! only until the flow of poop [size=1]disasters[/size] has stopped shall this thread be vaulted!

[size=1]mods willing[/size][/QUOTE]

this mod's willing

Misfitted_Mecha 03-14-2005 06:04 PM

oh my god fucking waffles :lol: :lol: VALUT

Gabbo 03-14-2005 06:05 PM

[QUOTE=stapler]this mod's willing[/QUOTE]
You are too kind.

M1k3 03-14-2005 06:15 PM

1. riding bike home from walgreens
2. decide to stand on bike like this :[img]http://homepage1.nifty.com/hiroki/sou_ken/bicycle/mtb/standing.GIF[/img]
3. comes out of nowhere
4. ...
5. no profit

(true story)

(also happend on the phone, my bladder hates me)

L33T_h4x0r_d00d 03-14-2005 06:24 PM

I used to work at Kids World which is what you get when a Toys R Us fucks a Kids R Us. Its toys and clothes and a huge fucking place. If you opened the store they had a morning meeting 15 minutes before they unlocked the doors. Everyone met at the big fucking geoffry the giraffe picture at the front of the store. So everyones standing there and I'm kind of standing off to the side. I dont know what I ate beforehand but whatever it was, it had developed into an adult shit weasel ready to burst from my ass and eat jason lee's hand. All I knew of this sinister plot was the slight gurgling and uneasy feeling I had in my abdomen. As the meeting went on the uneasyness grew into pain which grew into searing pain until the feeling of climax hit me as

I had to fart.


I slowly took a step back away from the circle of fellow 16 year olds and did the shifty eye'ed dog look back and forth. I eased open my butt cheeks to allow for a test fart to see if it was going to be horrifically stinky. The sound that came out of my ass can only be likened to squeezing an entire bottle of ketchup out with one violent squeeze. My eyes grew wide as I quickly looked too and fro to see if anyone else heard. I took another slow step back. There was little I could do but quickly melt into the baby pajamas that lay behind geoffrys grim visage.

As soon as I was out of sight I ran like retard on cookie day to the closest restroom. As I got there I blasted open a stall door and promptly began to let the hot, acrid oatmeal pour from my now abused ass. It seems to never stop. The underwear I had on was ruined but it had jumped on the perverbial grenade for my pants. While still shitting I removed my pants and my underwear and wrapped them in toilet paper and set them on the floor. It must have taken me an hour and 46 flushes to clean the babyfood from my ass. I remember being physically tired and at this point sweating.

I deposited my used undergarments in the trashcan and exited the restroom feeling born again. That was quickly dismissed with another bowel spasm. What could I do? I was going commando at this point, my shields were down. If I had another attack I would certainly sustain damage to the aft jeans. I had to procure some protection. Being that this was a kidsworld, they had clothes as well as toys. Off to the boys department to see what kind protection I could dig up.

Now I was about 16. Being that I wasnt a "boy" anymore my waist size was around 34. I wore size 34 jeans and size 34 drawers. It seems that you are no longer a "boy" when your waist size eclipses size 16 since thats all they had. Also you really cant be seen in your place of employment at the age of 16 buying size 16 gi joe underoos so that meant I had to steal them. Under my arm they went and back to the restroom I jaunted.

I cant really describe the look of a 16 year old in size 16 gi joes underoos. I also cant describe the feeling you get being a size 34 in size 16 underoos. Id have to imagine its similar to what it feels like for a chihuahua to be fucked by a horse. Tight.

royjr 03-14-2005 06:29 PM

Well,...not me, but my mom's toy poodle when I was back in high school.


1. Dog got constipated after me + drunk friends gave it too much peanut butter (dogs + peanut butter = :lol: )
2. Dog tries to take shit in the morning
3. Dog yelps like crazy.
4. Dog has a blowout in the SIDE of her ass, and thick, black shit is oozing down her leg
5. I play dumb
6.....
7. PROFIT!

google 03-14-2005 06:34 PM

:lol: fucking great thread. Some of you guys should visit GBS with this stuff.

_DeeChan_ 03-14-2005 06:39 PM

1. Ate something weird at lunc(cant remember)
2. go to the statefair with ablix and pidge and others
3. severe pressure on my stomach
4. burning of my sphincter
5. try and hold it in and hopefully it will pass
6. the inevitable happens and i have to release the explosive diherrea immediately
7. my fear of public restrooms is far behind me
8.try and find the charmin exhibit to use the wonderful cottonny TP
9. end up shitting explosively in a random bathroom, and a second time at the bathrooms right next to the campers and trailers. got home hours later and had to liqui-shit again
that was one hell of a night ill tell ya what

schzim 03-14-2005 06:43 PM

[QUOTE=L33T_h4x0r_d00d]

I cant really describe the look of a 16 year old in size 16 gi joes underoos. I also cant describe the feeling you get being a size 34 in size 16 underoos. Id have to imagine its similar to what it feels like for a chihuahua to be fucked by a horse. Tight.[/QUOTE]
lufftwaffles

berger 03-14-2005 06:45 PM

had a shower, done a fart, and saw a poop flow down to the plughole

berger 03-14-2005 06:48 PM

one time i was in the bush, builing a treehouse, and had the urge to poop, went, collected some leaves, and the poop pretty much made its way to the entrance of my asshole, little bit came out, and i could feel it when i walked, pulled pants down, crapped, on my pants, finished up, told my mate i had to go, rode half an hour back into down with poop-stained pants, showered, changed, went back out there, pity it was 10km from anywhere

mattress 03-14-2005 06:50 PM

omg that ryans story is the funniest god-damned story i've ever read in my life .... it made me cry and my gut sore.... thanks for the laughs

malamute face 03-14-2005 06:51 PM

lol @ entrance of my asshole

explosivo 03-14-2005 06:57 PM

more of a piss disaster:

My gf's best friend from california comes back east to her parents house for christmas/new years. We go visit and since it's a long drive we spend the night. Best friend has two younger sisters who share a bed (17 and 9). Since my gf and I were guests she give us their bedroom to sleep in. All three of us go out drinking/come home drunk. My gf and I decide to go to bed but since I am drunk and about to past out, I don't bother using the bathroom. I wake up at 4:00am to a mattress soaked in piss. I didnt know what to do so i rolled the sheets up and flipped the mattress over. Then smuggled the sheets to the washine machine. Hope no one found out. :o

jamesey2 03-14-2005 07:10 PM

I was home from college for winter break and it was New Years Eve. My GF was visiting me and we decided we'd go to the fireworks show in downtown Phoenix. Before we went, my mom made some burritos for dinner. My mom is far from Mexican, so as a result they were extra greasey and cheesey.

We went downtown, enjoyed the party atmosphere, and midnight was approaching. Out of nowhere both of us started feeling our stomachs ache. There were huge lines at the port-o-pottys and there was no way we could hold out. We were literally holding our asses with our hands while navigating through thousands of people looking for a place to relieve ourselves. We left the main street and made it to an alley where we both dropped our pants and blew our asses all over street. It didn't even feel like a shit. It felt like I was pissing soup out of my ass. We squatted back to back, about 5 yards apart. In front of her was a dumpster, and in front of me was an open street. Had anyone happened to go down the alley, they would have seen us. We did our best to ignore each other. I dont even like farting in front of girls. Taking a nasty greasey shit in with my girlfriend just yards away was humiliating. I'm sure she felt the same way.

I finished and took my shoes off to wipe with my socks. They were lowcut athletic socks so I had to be careful to get it all. Amazingly there was no mess. I told her I was going down to the end of the alley to wait for her. I glanced and she was still squatting, emptying her bowels. Minutes later she met me. I suggested we go home, and she quickly agreed. We missed the fireworks, and instead of the hot New Years Eve sex we were going to have, we just went to bed. The next morning we could barely look at each other, and that point was the beginning of the end of our three year relationship.

Genualdi 03-14-2005 07:12 PM

[quote=stapler]this mod's willing[/quote]
"I shat on my mother and all I got was this crappy vault"

edit: No pun intended.
edit 2: Possible title rape Allnighte

slightlymad 03-14-2005 07:19 PM

[QUOTE=L33T_h4x0r_d00d]I used to work at Kids World which is what you get when a Toys R Us fucks a Kids R Us. Its toys and clothes and a huge fucking place. If you opened the store they had a morning meeting 15 minutes before they unlocked the doors. Everyone met at the big fucking geoffry the giraffe picture at the front of the store. So everyones standing there and I'm kind of standing off to the side. I dont know what I ate beforehand but whatever it was, it had developed into an adult shit weasel ready to burst from my ass and eat jason lee's hand. All I knew of this sinister plot was the slight gurgling and uneasy feeling I had in my abdomen. As the meeting went on the uneasyness grew into pain which grew into searing pain until the feeling of climax hit me as

I had to fart.


I slowly took a step back away from the circle of fellow 16 year olds and did the shifty eye'ed dog look back and forth. I eased open my butt cheeks to allow for a test fart to see if it was going to be horrifically stinky. The sound that came out of my ass can only be likened to squeezing an entire bottle of ketchup out with one violent squeeze. My eyes grew wide as I quickly looked too and fro to see if anyone else heard. I took another slow step back. There was little I could do but quickly melt into the baby pajamas that lay behind geoffrys grim visage.

As soon as I was out of sight I ran like retard on cookie day to the closest restroom. As I got there I blasted open a stall door and promptly began to let the hot, acrid oatmeal pour from my now abused ass. It seems to never stop. The underwear I had on was ruined but it had jumped on the perverbial grenade for my pants. While still shitting I removed my pants and my underwear and wrapped them in toilet paper and set them on the floor. It must have taken me an hour and 46 flushes to clean the babyfood from my ass. I remember being physically tired and at this point sweating.

I deposited my used undergarments in the trashcan and exited the restroom feeling born again. That was quickly dismissed with another bowel spasm. What could I do? I was going commando at this point, my shields were down. If I had another attack I would certainly sustain damage to the aft jeans. I had to procure some protection. Being that this was a kidsworld, they had clothes as well as toys. Off to the boys department to see what kind protection I could dig up.

Now I was about 16. Being that I wasnt a "boy" anymore my waist size was around 34. I wore size 34 jeans and size 34 drawers. It seems that you are no longer a "boy" when your waist size eclipses size 16 since thats all they had. Also you really cant be seen in your place of employment at the age of 16 buying size 16 gi joe underoos so that meant I had to steal them. Under my arm they went and back to the restroom I jaunted.

I cant really describe the look of a 16 year old in size 16 gi joes underoos. I also cant describe the feeling you get being a size 34 in size 16 underoos. Id have to imagine its similar to what it feels like for a chihuahua to be fucked by a horse. Tight.[/QUOTE]

this is my favorite. fucking amazing. great storytelling too

1st_2_di3 03-14-2005 07:21 PM

I havent :lol:'d this fucking hard in a very long time, thank you genmay, your my hero.

Bullit 03-14-2005 07:22 PM

[QUOTE=jamesey2]The next morning we could barely look at each other, and that point was the beginning of the end of our three year relationship.[/QUOTE]

awwww man, thats horrible :lol:

franksterrr 03-14-2005 07:22 PM

I had 90+ patient that w/alzheimers and was picking small balls of shit out of her bottom and stacking them on the bedsheet. when I entered the room, she was already eating them. She looked up and smiled with shit on her teeth and said "want some chocolate?" I was like omfg.

I had another 90+ that was so constipated when she shit it was like bigger round than a pop can and about a meter long, I had to call maintenance to unclog an industrial size toilet.

Lastly, a few months ago I had a post surgical 90+, that hadn't gone for about a week. she say's she usually "picks at is a little" to get it started. I was like omfg! so I give her a few enemas and they dont work, so I had to put the gloves on and go in..... fucken nasty smellin, had my hand up her old fucking ass.

valve1138 03-14-2005 07:23 PM

[QUOTE=L33T_h4x0r_d00d]I used to work at Kids World which is what you get when a Toys R Us fucks a Kids R Us. .[/QUOTE]

dude, I have tears streaming from my eyes from this post.

:lol: fucking hilarious.

Bullit 03-14-2005 07:24 PM

[QUOTE=franksterrr]I had 90+ patient that w/alzheimers and was picking small balls of shit out of her bottom and stacking them on the bedsheet. when I entered the room, she was already eating them. She looked up and smiled with shit on her teeth and said "want some chocolate?" I was like omfg.

I had another 90+ that was so constipated when she shit it was like bigger round than a pop can and about a meter long, I had to call maintenance to unclog an industrial size toilet.

Lastly, a few months ago I had a post surgical 90+, that hadn't gone for about a week. she say's she usually "picks at is a little" to get it started. I was like omfg! so I give her a few enemas and they dont work, so I had to put the gloves on and go in..... fucken nasty smellin, had my hand up her old fucking ass.[/QUOTE]

this is the stuff i cant wait for :lol:. im applying for my colleges nursing program next semester hahaha

Suicide King 03-14-2005 07:26 PM

[QUOTE=franksterrr]I had 90+ patient that w/alzheimers and was picking small balls of shit out of her bottom and stacking them on the bedsheet. when I entered the room, she was already eating them. She looked up and smiled with shit on her teeth and said "want some chocolate?" I was like omfg.

I had another 90+ that was so constipated when she shit it was like bigger round than a pop can and about a meter long, I had to call maintenance to unclog an industrial size toilet.

Lastly, a few months ago I had a post surgical 90+, that hadn't gone for about a week. she say's she usually "picks at is a little" to get it started. I was like omfg! so I give her a few enemas and they dont work, so I had to put the gloves on and go in..... fucken nasty smellin, had my hand up her old fucking ass.[/QUOTE]

my doctor suggested i go to nursing school.

i declined.

Izolate 03-14-2005 07:26 PM

LOL @ Thread

1. I am pooping in this chair laughing so hard
2. ...
3. no profit yet profit

fake edit: in b4 valut?

Bullit 03-14-2005 07:27 PM

[QUOTE=SuicideKing]my doctor suggested i go to nursing school.

i declined.[/QUOTE]

why?

coach 03-14-2005 07:30 PM

This isn't really a story about my own pooping disaster, but I will tell it anyways.

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew a kid who had a history of pooping his pants. Well, we all have our problems and he is a nice guy, so I always tried to look past it. A few years back, my mom was taking a computer class. Since she doesn't know much about computers and I don't have the patience to help her, she called said Poop Barron (who is pretty good with computers) to come over and help her. She went over to his house and picked him up and brought him back to our place. While they were down in the basement working on the computer, I was upstairs in my room taking a nap. After a while, I hear someone coming up the stairs and by the way they were breathing, it didn't sound like they were feeling well. Now, the bathroom was right across the hall from my room. I could hear just about everything that went on in there. I heard the door shut and then I heard the flood gates open just as loud as if he were sitting on my ear and shitting. I giggled at the sound of someone pooping, but just opened my window and went back to sleep. After about 30 minutes of constant shit sounds and about 9 flushes, he goes back downstairs. I figured the worst was over, so I turned on the TV and started to relax for the evening. After about 3 minutes, my mom comes upstairs and tells me that she has to take this guy (who from this point forward we'll call Waldo) home and if I needed to use the bathroom to go down and use the laundry room bathroom. Of course, I forgot her counsil by the time she was out the door and decided I wanted to take a piss before one of my programs came on. I walked across the hall, opened my bathroom door and was immediately struck by the smell. It was one of those smells that is so bad and hits you so hard that you close your eyes for a second out of some sort of survival instinct.

When I opened my eyes, needless to say, I was horrified by the scene which greeted me. There was poop ALL OVER the wall surrounding the toilet. Strike one. There was poop ALL OVER the floor surrounding the toilet. Strike two. And my poor toilet was almost overflowing with pure liquid shit. Traumatized, I did the only thing I could, yelled for my dad to come up and look. He came up and in between gags let out a steady string of swears and profanities. To make matters worse, I just remembered that my mom's van was in the shop - she was driving Waldo home in MY CAR!

After my mom got home and spent 2 hours cleaning my bathroom and another 1.5 cleaning the inside of my car, she told my dad and I exactly what had happened. Apparently while they were working, Waldo was letting out a series of small, but potent farts. We all guess that the final one was the kiss of death and he sharted in his pants because my mom said he darted like a mad man up the stairs to use the bathroom. After shitting all over the bathroom, he came back downstairs and told my mom that he needed to go home stat. The entire drive back to his house, he was explaining to my mom (while letting bursts of shit out onto my car seat) that he had eaten Pizza Hut, which always gives him explosive shits. For the next week, we found little shit pellets that must have run down his leg during his flight to and from the bathroom.

Suprisingly enough, my car never stunk. The Virgin Mary air freshener that I had on my rear view mirror protected me from the smells of his evil. Hail Mary, full of grace! To this day, on a hot day at my dad's house, you can still smell a slight stink of poop, a constant reminder of that fateful night.

DeadBeat 03-14-2005 07:30 PM

I am glad to say that I've never had anywhere close to such an experiance.

I guess I'm not a true genmayer.

Gearhead 03-14-2005 07:36 PM

I had a piss misshap a few weeks ago.

Went to a party with my buddy slayer dave and a bunch of other metal heads. Thankfully i was wearing my dickies cause I went into the bathroom to start pissing, and well for some reason I let go of the moster and my right inner pant leg was covered in piss and a huge puddle of it on the foor with a radius of about 2 feet.

Hot girls were banging on the door all I could say was I'll be out in a minute! I went through 3 rolls of TP sopping up all the piss *I was pretty much drunk* and thank God dickies are fairly resistant to water. Could hardly tell I pissed myself. Good thing everybody there was either drunk or high, cause nobody noticed :D

coach 03-14-2005 07:46 PM

I guess since we are all friends here, I might as well share my pooping story, even though it is pretty lame compared to everyone else's.

Last year, I was really sick with the flu for about a week after I came home from college for the summer. By the time I started feeling better, it was just starting to feel like spring. It was still cool outside, but it just had a certain warm feel in the air that makes you feel like a million bucks to go outside. I was still feeling kind of crappy, but I wanted to get out of the house for a while, so I decided to go for a quick run around my neighborhood. Now, as stated earlier in the thread, nothing seems to quicken the need to shit better than a brisk run. About a block from my house, I felt a poop perculating in my bowels. This wasn't a problem for me, if anything, I was looking forward to settling down on the toilet when I got home and taking a nice, relaxing shit. Life would be good. About halfway into my run, I really had to poop. Since it was now quicker to run home than turn back, I just kept going. I let out a lengthy fart, which bought me a little time and made me feel a little better, but by this time, I was lengthening my stride to get hom as quick as I could. As I rounded the block for the last stretch of my run, I let out another fart to hopefully relieve some of the pressure I was feeling. At the tail end of my fart, the magic happened. I could feel poop nuggets exiting my anus and dripping down my butt. I started in on a full sprint back home. Now, I'm a bigger guy and that would normally wind me, but I didn't feel a thing. What happened next is all a blur, but I remember rushing past my grandpa at the front door, tripping over my dog, and letting loose in the toilet. There was no misfire onto the wall or floor, but I had to dump a comfortable pair of underpants.

L33T_h4x0r_d00d 03-14-2005 07:47 PM

Yet another Kids World story.

I was known around the store as "that fucking crazy guy" mostly due to my storeroom behavior. I was in charge of the bikes. They kept one bike out front for all the fuckshits to sit on and ride around the store and the rest were in the back on this giant, moving rack system. The racks were probably 4 feet wide, 20 feet long and 3 stories high. I was known to jump back and forth between racks when looking for a particular bike that some fat fuck bought his kid. The first time I did it and a manager saw she about had her heart shoot out of her asshole onto the ground. Moving on.

One glorious sunday a birthday party of 10-12 year old girls comes into the store. Why you have a birthday party and go to a fucking toy store is beyond me but they did. It was about an hour before the store closed and there were at least 15 little jailbaits running amok on the pink side of the store.

The store closes and everyone breaks into "lets get the fuck out of here" speed as they quickly pickup the store. There was some sort of commotion near the front of the store and there were at least 3 managers up there. This was never good. Someone was dead or choking on a lego or some such shit. Then I hear one of the managers say "get that crazy kid to do it" and I think "hey I'm the only crazy fuck around here, what the fuck do they want me to do?" Right about then someone demands that I clean the front girls room. I say "get greg to do it" since greg was the janitor and this seemed like janitorial duties. They screamed back "greg quit today, you have to do it".

They didnt say that greg quit because of the unholy sacrfice that was in the girls room at the front of the store, no they let me walk right the fuck in on that one unprepared.

I walked into the girls restroom to see a turd hung on the wall about 5 feet up. There was vomit and other excretions in the sinks and on the mirror. Someone had eaten 4 entire pigs and then shit them out into one toilet which subsequently overflowed and left a hundred little shitlings all over the floor outside the end stall.

There was only one thing I could do. I went back into the hallway and said I needed some supplies. I grabbed the snow shovel out of the janitors closet and the boots that were there. I grabbed 2 clear trashbags and dashed back into the festering hole of sewage. No one dared come in, in part because of the smell and in part because they were probably afraid to see what I was doing in there. I donned the boots and tied the trash bags around me like some sort of bizarre tribal dress. I knew what I had to do.

I played shit hockey.

I cant explain the sheer fun it is to throw excrement around a room with a snow shovel when you know you wont have to clean it up. When you disconnect yourself from the fact that some little assgobbler digested lunchables and pez into the creamy brown mass you just bounced off the florescent lights, its a shitload of fun. The floor had about a half inch of water on it and the cheap rubber boots slid across it like ice.

Turds, mostly being eliptical, have a very odd bounce pattern. Sometimes they semi-stick to a wall and slide down like some sort of horrible peanut filled, refrigerater walking octopus from your youth. Sometimes they bounce with a thud and throw chunks of shittyness in all directions. Either way, it sucks to be the guy who's going to have to clean it up.

I think the best part was when I eye'd the wall turd. The one that some little princess hung 5 feet up the wall somehow. The physics behind that baffle and confuse me but that didnt stop me from swinging the snow shovel into it like I was hitting a home run.

I walked out of there and told the crowd waiting that "thats all I can do. I need to go home" which no one even batted an eye at. I would have given any amount of money to see the look on the face of the manager that went in there and saw the mess I left. They sure as fuck never asked me to clean anything else after that.

UnholyKnight 03-14-2005 07:48 PM

i pooped my pants at school and shaitheatery ate it

Elmo 03-14-2005 07:52 PM

This is all I have to say :o
[img]http://www.iupload.net/022005/webshots(cushmans09).jpg[/img]

jason_n 03-14-2005 07:52 PM

[QUOTE=L33T_h4x0r_d00d]
I played shit hockey.
[/QUOTE]

fucking win

Retardedchicken 03-14-2005 07:53 PM

i do not want to know.

f00ker 03-14-2005 07:56 PM

[QUOTE=SlickChicFallen]3 stories, all good...

1) At f00ker's mom's place to have dinner; his sister and brother in law are there too. We're all playing mario tennis or something and I feel the urge coming on. I keep playing because the game isn't even half way done. By the time the game ends, I know I'm gonna shit myself if I don't go now, but they all want to play another game, and I'm all "no... no... I've had enough for now", my voice strained. So I end up throwing the controller down, I walk as quickly as possible to the toilet and promptly UNLOAD. Oh. My. God. That felt so good... the flood gates had been opened and the pressure was all gone. Only problem was that it STUNK like HELL. I end up coming out of the bathroom 20 minutes later. Apparently his sister had been waiting to use the bathroom when I was done. So I walk out, sheepish look on my face, and begin to walk away. I turn to look over my shoulder to see her walk in, and a split second later walk RIGHT back out, her eyes seeming to water and a disgusted look on her face.

SO EMBARASSING! :(

2) Going along with the pissing/shitting/vommitting theme y'all have going... Four or five years ago I remember quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life. I hadn't been feeling well all evening, so I eventually go outside to get some fresh air since that had a tendency to make myself feel better. Five or so minutes pass and I realize that my entire stomach region hurts like mad and that I'm gonna puke. So I start looking around frantically for somewhere to puke. No dice. Pain in abdomen continues to grow to excruciating levels. So finally I puke. Not only to I puke all over the front porch, I POWER PUKE all over the front porch; vomit spraying everywhere. With the vomit still coming out of my mouth, I that something funny is going on with my back end. Shit. Oh shit. And LOTS of it! Not only did I have the flu, I had diarhhea. And it was the squeezing of the abdominal muscles was enough to propell the pent-up excrement out of my ass and FILL my sweatpants!
My mom finally comes out and I have to sheepishly tell her that I'd had an accident. I waddle into the bathroom, 20 or so yards away, and I had to walk past the dining room table, at which my entire family was still eating. VERY EMBARASSING. So I clean up, shower, get new clothing on, etc etc.
But the story doesn't end there (I wish it had, though). I spend the rest of the night vommitting and shitting myself at least half a dozen times. I sleep on the bathroom floor in my parents' room because that was the closest bathroom to my room. At one point I woke up and couldn't even make it to the toilet and shat all over the floor. I spend the next few hours cleaning it up. To this day, I can still see a very slight discoloring of the carpet where it happened :(

3) This actually happened a few nights ago, hehe... My parents, f00ker, my niece (6 yrs old), and a few friends of the family all decide to go to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Everyone eats, fun is had by all, etc etc. By the end of the evening, f00ker and I realized we both needed to shit really really bad. So f00ker and I hop into my car and speed back to my parents' house. He heads for the downstairs bathroom, and I to the upstairs one (in my parents' room because there was no way in hell I was gonna use my brothers'... but in retrospect, I probably should have). I make it there just in the nick of time, sit down, and unload. It wasn't so much big logs as it was the sheery quantity of small ones. Over a dozen of them, it was ridiculous. Suddenly I hear the downstairs (front) door open. Shit, everyone's back. After a minute or so I hear little footsteps coming up the stairs and someone knocks on the door. Its my niece. I tell her I'm almost done and I'll be out in a minute. Well, I start to panic. My niece, I love her and all, but she doesn't understand that its kinda rude to comment about anything *left* in the bathroom when you enter. Well, I finally get out of the bathroom, and she goes in. At this point, f00ker is waiting for me at the top of the stairs (door to parents room), and my niece suddenly pops her head out the door and says "Julia, you left some poop in the toilet! and it stinks!"
:eek:
f00ker and my mother (who heard it too) both bust up laughing, while I stand there utterly stunned. After a moment I laugh too, but I gently scold her, and go about my business.

Kids say the damnnest things :eek:[/QUOTE]


:heart:

rofl, all the good memories...


edit: Feigned

your imaginary friend 03-14-2005 07:59 PM

I was going home on the school bus afterschool and for some reason or another did the old fart/shit the pants routine. No one heard it but it sure did smell bad. It worked out well though because everyone thought it was the kid sitting next to me. I was taunting this kid for shitting in my pants along with the rest of the bus. Got off the bus and cleverly hid the shitty underwear behind the couch in the TV room. No one knew what it was, but my mom thought a mouse had died or something until she pulled away the couch and found them hardened and stuck to the wall.

I remember I just kept on watching Mighty Mouse and my mom never said a word.. she just sighed.

spudboy 03-14-2005 08:01 PM

[QUOTE=L33T_h4x0r_d00d]
I played shit hockey.
[/QUOTE]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Fucking hilarious.

Rick 03-14-2005 08:07 PM

I have created a home for these poop disasters!! Its not much now, but it could grow to become a fantastic website!!!

[url]www.poopdisasters.com[/url]

Flint 03-14-2005 08:13 PM

1. havent pooped in a week
2. need to poop now
3. cant poop because it might hurt :(
4. ...
5. no profit


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