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Night Black 06-16-2009 11:19 PM

Self-Destructive Behavior
 
So in the shortest way possible, I have a female friend who I've known for a while, and asked out recently. Mutual attraction stuff. She accepted, and invited me to a party. She gets shitfaced, throws herself at another guy, goes off alone with him, comes back half an hour later, and then throws up before being carried home by friends half-conscious. She can't remember what happened that night. Our mutual friend comments to me that this is not the first time something like this has happened, with the binge drinking and the alcoholism and irresponsible actions.

I have self respect. I like myself, and I have standards. I was angry and saddened, yet became emotionally disconnected. I suppose it's how I cope, just a lack of feeling. Obviously I'm not going to pursue this relationship now that I've seen this side of her. At the same time, I am her friend, and I want to know why she exhibits self-destructive behavior like this, so that me or somebody or anybody can help her before she does something she'll regret or is taken advantage of.

So everybody around her responsibly uses alcohol. She loads up on it like there's no tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out the contrast between her sober life (Upstanding, role model, honour student, selfless, mature, etc.) and this side of her. Maybe her parents being overbearing has an influence. Realizing I'm in way over my head, I asked a former teacher who studied psychology for her take on the issue:

First, besides telling me to walk away from the idea of a relationship, which I already did, she says looks like a potential train disaster, she suggested two reasons for such behavior (I'm trying to remember them as best as I can, but I can't remember the exact wording):

1. As a youth with overbearing parents and high pressure on her to succeed academically as well as in extra-curriculars, she is so accustomed to pressure, stress, and worry that when she is given freedom, she isn't capable of handling it and acts in such a way, with a lack of self control.

2. She has suffered from past sexual abuse or assault and the effects of such an occurrence are a root cause towards her conduct and behavior.

Lastly, the teacher told me that I should get help or something for her.

So what I want to ask is:

a) Any other possibilities as to why she behaves like this? (Feel free to ask any questions if it helps, I'll try and answer.)

b) What should I do? She's going to do something she regrets or get taken advantage of if she keeps going down this path. But at the same time, it seems that this isn't my business to be involved in, and I might just be overreacting. Then again...she is my friend, doing this to herself, I should at least try to do something, right?

Xcric 06-16-2009 11:33 PM

how old is she and how old are you?

i don't think trying to get her help is the answer at all since its not impacting the other aspects of her life yet, and i don't think trying to solve the problem for her is the answer either. you're just going to make her feel alienated, and awkward if you try to force her to think about why she acts the way she does, or if you make a big deal out of it.

from the sound of it, you're both young, which means she'll grow out of it when she realizes how self destructive it is. you can't really force these things, its something people have to learn for themself, they don't believe otherwise easily.

theres countless reasons why she might be acting that way, but you're not her psychiatrist, and neither is anyone here, it could be anything. its not your job to diagnose her and try to treat her. you're not trained for it, don't try.

if you really have to do anything about it, just tell her you're a concerned friend and that you think she should talk to someone. thats it. thats all you can do right now.

Continental 06-17-2009 12:22 AM

Nobody will ever change if they don't want to themselves, period. /thread

Alienbob 06-17-2009 12:51 AM

in addition to the things that the teacher has suggested, I'd definitely say she's a good fit for a personality disorder. Perhaps Borderline or Histrionic. As for what you can do, nothing really if she doesn't want help like Continental said. Though if you want to try poking the bear, you could confront her and tell her that you think her behavior is out of line and is going to take her down a very bad path and ask if there's anything wrong. I don't recommend telling this to her face, but she probably should consider therapy if the problems are as deep seeded as they seem.

Night Black 06-17-2009 07:07 PM

I realized that trying to understand what she did is never going to fully happen. I think a part of my desire to do so is trying rationalize her behavior. Why did she express an interest then do a 180 on it? Why isn't she willing to face me anymore since what happened?

We're 18. And she's going to screw herself over sooner or later. And it's discomforting to say the least to watch the train wreck happen and to not do anything about it.

Oh well, I guess I'll bring it up as a concerned friend down the line or something. Give her time to mature or what not.

claffix 06-17-2009 07:31 PM

I bet dollars to doughnuts you wouldn't be talking about her "self-destructive behavior" if you were the one she took off alone with. It sounds like you were interested in this girl and thought things were going well with her, but now since things didn't turn out the way you wanted there is something damaged about her.

I don't think she's the only one who needs time to mature.

tron119 06-17-2009 09:15 PM

[QUOTE=Continental;23708903]Nobody will ever change if they don't want to themselves, period. /thread[/QUOTE]

X2

My parents were overbearing who knows if that had anything to do with how I live my life. At work, anywhere where I should show responsibility people think I'm much more mature than my age, but when it comes to drinking it's blackout or nothing. I party, lost friends family whatever, but I am happy. Not gonna change anytime soon it's not my time.

I've been doing this for 5 years, and yea had a few regrets along the way, but never screwed myself over. I show interest in someone then totally bail when something better comes along all the time. Some people just look out for number 1 once in a while. When ya grow up doing nothing but trying to make your parents or friends happy sometimes ya gotta cut loose and fuckin party. She's young most people get it outta their system pretty quick no big deal.

also agreed with claffix

Gibonius 06-17-2009 10:06 PM

Some people just can't handle freedom when they find some, they're used to control and go bonkers when they finally have to have self-control. Make the situation alcohol, which inhibits self-control to begin with, and you have people drinking until they do stupid things or black out.

It's certainly possible she doesn't want to talk to you because she's embarrassed in retrospect about her actions.

[quote=tron119]
but when it comes to drinking it's blackout or nothing. I party, lost friends family whatever, but I am happy. Not gonna change anytime soon it's not my time.[/quote]
I've never understood this. What's the draw to drinking yourself into oblivion? I've NEVER done it, been drunk enough to puke plenty of times, but blacking out? That requires a certain dedication to self-destruction, willful even. And it sucks. I've never met anyone that enjoys having blacked out the night before (and the subsequent feelings the next day), but people still brag about it and go black out against the next weekend.

Just boggles my mind.

Night Black 06-17-2009 10:49 PM

[QUOTE=claffix;23710421]I bet dollars to doughnuts you wouldn't be talking about her "self-destructive behavior" if you were the one she took off alone with. It sounds like you were interested in this girl and thought things were going well with her, but now since things didn't turn out the way you wanted there is something damaged about her.

I don't think she's the only one who needs time to mature.[/QUOTE]

You're right I wouldn't be. I'd be sitting around in a heap at home, feeling like a sack of shit for taking advantage of her. I have my morals, and I stick to them. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. If she was sober and in control of herself, then I wouldn't be feeling guilty at all. But she wasn't by any means.

Electrikfuzz050 06-17-2009 11:12 PM

[QUOTE=claffix;23710421]I bet dollars to doughnuts you wouldn't be talking about her "self-destructive behavior" if you were the one she took off alone with. It sounds like you were interested in this girl and thought things were going well with her, but now since things didn't turn out the way you wanted there is something damaged about her.

I don't think she's the only one who needs time to mature.[/QUOTE]

Because it's impossible to see a woman as anything more than a sex object, right?


:tard:

Foolioq 06-17-2009 11:16 PM

She over drinks because she probably doesn't know her limits, which comes from being underage. Its a phase, she'll get over it. If she was much older and still doing this, then I'd think she has a problem. I don't think she has a serious problem yet, and you're overreacting about the drinking. Thats what it seems like at least.

That being said, she probably doesn't want to date you. She has an excuse by being drunk to allegedly fool around with other guys.You don't need to be treated like that, I would not stay with her if I were you unless there was serious emotional involvement. Furthermore, her problems are not your problems. You were not put on this earth to fix anyone. You're 18, let her deal with her own shit and when shes realized what she lost and comes back, be her friend but don't take her back. You are not a doormat, you shouldn't be walked over like that regardless of the circumstances.

Night Black 06-17-2009 11:31 PM

[QUOTE=Foolioq;23711063]She over drinks because she probably doesn't know her limits, which comes from being underage. Its a phase, she'll get over it. If she was much older and still doing this, then I'd think she has a problem. I don't think she has a serious problem yet, and you're overreacting about the drinking. Thats what it seems like at least.

That being said, she probably doesn't want to date you. She has an excuse by being drunk to allegedly fool around with other guys.You don't need to be treated like that, I would not stay with her if I were you unless there was serious emotional involvement. Furthermore, her problems are not your problems. You were not put on this earth to fix anyone. You're 18, let her deal with her own shit and when shes realized what she lost and comes back, be her friend but don't take her back. You are not a doormat, you shouldn't be walked over like that regardless of the circumstances.[/QUOTE]

First thing I did was pull out of the situation and leave the relationship, then give her some space, maybe a couple of months (Summer break makes it easy.) Because A, I don't settle for some other guy's sloppy seconds, and B, I shouldn't have to put up with anything like that at all. Obviously if she did that, she has other guys on the mind, and logically not me. Normally, my retreat would be to drop everything and walk away. It's worked in the past. But she was my friend for the longest time, so that complicated it. I don't think I'm overreacting, but it just may be my first hand experience not translating well through my explanation.

The funny thing was, had this happened two years ago, I would have been the ultimate doormat... It's somewhat satisfying to see I've progressed from that state.

claffix 06-18-2009 06:12 PM

[QUOTE=Electrikfuzz050;23711049]Because it's impossible to see a woman as anything more than a sex object, right?


:tard:[/QUOTE]

Bullshit. If this was about more than just sex and he genuinely cared for her well being as a friend/boyfriend, he'd be talking to her face to face about it. Not posting on a 95% male internet forum that's just gonna tell him what he wants to hear. And defiantly not jumping to conclusions like fucking alcoholism. Jesus Christ, shes an 18 year girl. It's called experimentation. Not everybody has to live their live exactly like you do.

The OP should read a story called "The Fox and the Grapes". Or maybe you already have, since this whole thing reads a lot like that fable.

messiahx 06-24-2009 09:19 PM

Don't waste another second on her. Friend or relationship-wise. It doesn't sound like you've known her for long, so there's no reason to be loyal. Don't try to help her. Don't try to fix her, don't do anything but walk away. I would say your teacher was spot on. Having known/dated girls like this...they were either severely depressed and/or victims or rape/sexual abuse when they were younger. And they will never "get better" unfortunately.

theNoid 06-25-2009 12:04 AM

Um, so she got smashed and threw up once and all of a sudden you sit down, analyze her life, upbringing, speak to friends teachers and now internet strangers about how to change her destructive lifestyle?

1. You bitter she ran off with another guy.
2. Theres nothing wrong with her, it was a wild night.
3. Shit happens.

I know you mean well but I read your post as some kind of high and mighty white knight riding in on a horse to save the broken girl. Newsflash, in the time it took me to type this response 500 other young adults threw up on a guy they ditched at party. Does she have issues? Perhaps, but so do you.. me, and just about everyone reading this. Nobody is perfect and I didn't see anywhere where she was begging for someone to fix her.

Ooblah dee, ooblah da, life goes on...


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