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L33T_h4x0r_d00d's Avatar
Yet another Kids World story.

I was known around the store as "that fucking crazy guy" mostly due to my storeroom behavior. I was in charge of the bikes. They kept one bike out front for all the fuckshits to sit on and ride around the store and the rest were in the back on this giant, moving rack system. The racks were probably 4 feet wide, 20 feet long and 3 stories high. I was known to jump back and forth between racks when looking for a particular bike that some fat fuck bought his kid. The first time I did it and a manager saw she about had her heart shoot out of her asshole onto the ground. Moving on.

One glorious sunday a birthday party of 10-12 year old girls comes into the store. Why you have a birthday party and go to a fucking toy store is beyond me but they did. It was about an hour before the store closed and there were at least 15 little jailbaits running amok on the pink side of the store.

The store closes and everyone breaks into "lets get the fuck out of here" speed as they quickly pickup the store. There was some sort of commotion near the front of the store and there were at least 3 managers up there. This was never good. Someone was dead or choking on a lego or some such shit. Then I hear one of the managers say "get that crazy kid to do it" and I think "hey I'm the only crazy fuck around here, what the fuck do they want me to do?" Right about then someone demands that I clean the front girls room. I say "get greg to do it" since greg was the janitor and this seemed like janitorial duties. They screamed back "greg quit today, you have to do it".

They didnt say that greg quit because of the unholy sacrfice that was in the girls room at the front of the store, no they let me walk right the fuck in on that one unprepared.

I walked into the girls restroom to see a turd hung on the wall about 5 feet up. There was vomit and other excretions in the sinks and on the mirror. Someone had eaten 4 entire pigs and then shit them out into one toilet which subsequently overflowed and left a hundred little shitlings all over the floor outside the end stall.

There was only one thing I could do. I went back into the hallway and said I needed some supplies. I grabbed the snow shovel out of the janitors closet and the boots that were there. I grabbed 2 clear trashbags and dashed back into the festering hole of sewage. No one dared come in, in part because of the smell and in part because they were probably afraid to see what I was doing in there. I donned the boots and tied the trash bags around me like some sort of bizarre tribal dress. I knew what I had to do.

I played shit hockey.

I cant explain the sheer fun it is to throw excrement around a room with a snow shovel when you know you wont have to clean it up. When you disconnect yourself from the fact that some little assgobbler digested lunchables and pez into the creamy brown mass you just bounced off the florescent lights, its a shitload of fun. The floor had about a half inch of water on it and the cheap rubber boots slid across it like ice.

Turds, mostly being eliptical, have a very odd bounce pattern. Sometimes they semi-stick to a wall and slide down like some sort of horrible peanut filled, refrigerater walking octopus from your youth. Sometimes they bounce with a thud and throw chunks of shittyness in all directions. Either way, it sucks to be the guy who's going to have to clean it up.

I think the best part was when I eye'd the wall turd. The one that some little princess hung 5 feet up the wall somehow. The physics behind that baffle and confuse me but that didnt stop me from swinging the snow shovel into it like I was hitting a home run.

I walked out of there and told the crowd waiting that "thats all I can do. I need to go home" which no one even batted an eye at. I would have given any amount of money to see the look on the face of the manager that went in there and saw the mess I left. They sure as fuck never asked me to clean anything else after that.
Old 03-14-2005, 08:47 PM L33T_h4x0r_d00d is offline