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Gibonius
 
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Originally Posted by Sabbster]# View Post
The other thing is that they never considered what having kids and working full time jobs would mean for them. They hadn't really lived with each other until after she got pregnant with child number 1. I was afraid they would eventually have to address and deal with the kind of problems they face now. Like the OP, they both find it difficult to get the romance going, and sex feels more like a job anymore.

That's a really bad setup for a successful relationship. You gotta have some time to figure out how to deal with the other person before the huge strain of having kids comes into the picture, and especially if you have an accident baby before getting married, that's just a tough situation. Some people pop out a kid right after getting married and are fine, but that's basically because the only relationship they know includes kids and they don't have expectations otherwise.


As far as you and your lady friend, there's no obvious answer there. A huge fraction of straight up friendships "fail," in that people drift apart. Some fraction of relationships fail as well. Just like it takes effort and adaptation to keep the friendship going, it takes effort for a relationship. The biggest difference is just the degree that you're in each other's lives. In a relationship, you can't really escape and some of the little stuff (bitch didn't put away the dishes again) pisses you off to an irrational degree. It's manageable, and IMO worth it. I wouldn't have changed anything.
Old 05-24-2012, 10:21 PM Gibonius is offline  
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Sabbster]#
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gibonius View Post
That's a really bad setup for a successful relationship. You gotta have some time to figure out how to deal with the other person before the huge strain of having kids comes into the picture, and especially if you have an accident baby before getting married, that's just a tough situation. Some people pop out a kid right after getting married and are fine, but that's basically because the only relationship they know includes kids and they don't have expectations otherwise.


As far as you and your lady friend, there's no obvious answer there. A huge fraction of straight up friendships "fail," in that people drift apart. Some fraction of relationships fail as well. Just like it takes effort and adaptation to keep the friendship going, it takes effort for a relationship. The biggest difference is just the degree that you're in each other's lives. In a relationship, you can't really escape and some of the little stuff (bitch didn't put away the dishes again) pisses you off to an irrational degree. It's manageable, and IMO worth it. I wouldn't have changed anything.

I remember trying to tell him that years ago and that things would eventually get real difficult since they had never lived together. It's ironic, because even though I've never been in any kind of steady relationship with another woman, I find it easy to identify future problems in other people's relationships. I predicted this years ago, and warned him. People being people, he ignored my advice (as he should have. I was being more selfish than anything because I didn't have anyone to call my own) and here he is today... In the middle of a dead relationship. Everything the OP talks about reminds me of him and several others I know.

I personally think in my case the benefits outweigh the cons. I look at it like this:

We can either take the plunge or I could walk away from it all together. If I walk away, I know she'll be devastated because besides her daughter, I know I'm the most important person in her life. That's a fact. But I'll be a healthier me, and not have to be around the very thing causing me so much misery and sadness (someone I can't have).

On the other hand, we could just go for it and see where things lead us. I think we have what it takes to be alright together, and I don't see why now at this point in our lives we shouldn't just take a chance on one another. Worst case scenario, we decide we hate being in a relationship with each other and break up. I think in a situation like that, I'd be ok with just being her friend, She'd get what she wants, and we could at least say we tried. My thing is, I don't want to go the rest of my life knowing we never really gave it a shot and missed a really good opportunity at something great.

It's a difficult situation for sure.
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Old 05-24-2012, 10:41 PM Sabbster]# is offline  
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Maybe he is, I don't know. I don't really think he's like "well fuck this." but they don't really connect the way they used to. I think the reality of raising children, having to work full time jobs to support those children and pay bills at the same time killed it for them both. When I was there, they talked like they were on autopilot, and bickered a lot. I'm sure they still love each other, but they probably realize they aren't going to work together in the long run. He still wants to be in his kids' lives 100%, but that it's probably better if he does it without being in a relationship with her.

If he thinks there is any "Freedom" it is just going to be days that she takes the kids That is life with kids and a full time job. Suck it up or don't get into it in the first place thinking it's going to be magical fantasy and that there will be time for passioante valentines day sex every night.
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Old 05-24-2012, 10:42 PM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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Sabbster]#
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I'm really glad to hear all these things from you guys from different angles, especially the OP. It's something I never considered for one second.
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Old 05-24-2012, 10:43 PM Sabbster]# is offline  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by s0me0nesmind1 View Post
If he thinks there is any "Freedom" it is just going to be days that she takes the kids That is life with kids and a full time job. Suck it up or don't get into it in the first place thinking it's going to be magical fantasy and that there will be time for passioante valentines day sex every night.

You're absolutely right. I hope they can work it out because it isn't fair to their children to just give up like that after everything.
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Old 05-24-2012, 10:45 PM Sabbster]# is offline  
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Kinda talked about this with my girl. She indicated all the "magic" is generated over time with small subtle things. Examples? I make her coffee the night before for her. Occasionally when the other gets up before the other, making breakfast in bed for the one that hasn't gotten up yet. You talk alot with each other about your days. You comment and appreciate each other around you every day. Those little "I love you" comments that you both actually mean, etc.. etc... I can see how stopping those VERY small and VERY subtle things over time and they just get worse and worse and worse can overall drain eachother of what you first experienced. Hence, a lot of couples are told to do "date nights" as if it's your first date with eachother all over again.

Note: These aren't directly my comments, I'm try to paraphrase and remember what my girl said last night when we talked about it.
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Old 05-25-2012, 01:49 PM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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john29
 
Another friend of mine has been married two years and he is always lamenting on how his wife bickers.
Old 07-04-2012, 07:54 AM john29 is offline  
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females bicker away all the power that the male had over them(the chase), males lose interest in making it exciting for them

male getting sex is better than none - case closed, no need to make it too interesting
Old 07-05-2012, 10:57 AM cc88 is offline  
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