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tunaman
 
Getting hitched... for suckers or is it worthwhile?

So at some point in a long term relationship it always seems to come to this question, to get married or not to. I have been with my gf for 2.5 years now and have lived with her for about a year now. I have to say, the life we have built together has been pretty awesome and and the community that we are both a part of is even better. The problem I have though is that prior to meeting this woman and sharing my life with her, I was hardcore against the concept of marriage. What with the divorce rate, lopsided divorce proceedings where the men always get fucked, and so on, I have to say I was pretty turned off to the idea. But now that I am with this woman, I have to say I am open to the idea and the fact that I may have changed my mind scares the shit out of me as I find my initial instincts are usually pretty accurate. So what do you guys think? Is marriage a good way of expanding on a relationship and handling things in a mutual/together sort of way or is it nothing short of a recipe for disaster? I can see myself with this woman for a very long time. That being said, I know that things change and that is what I am worried about, is it possible to grow and change together or is that just a pipe dream?

1. Met woman, moved in with her, and things have been going swimmingly since.
2. Mindset against marriage has shifted into considering it leaving me with questions of whether I am making a mistake.
3. Scared shitless of probably the number one life changer a man can have next to becoming a father.
4. Profit...?


More details: We communicate well, finances are not a problem right now (I make way more than she does, but she manages it better than I ever can), we have similar interests, we both dont want kids, we both want to live outside the united states again, and so on. Sex we're a bit incompatible but we get by, home life is pretty domestic, we stay home a lot but we do a lot of big trips and throw big parties. Main thing I think is that we communicate very very well with each other about our problems. We even roll together periodically and hash out our problems which has been very rewarding and eye opening.
Old 06-28-2010, 08:22 PM tunaman is offline  
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Forever Domon
 
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Ive always viewed it more as a gift to the other person, than some sort of lock. Basically "i love you enough, that I dont see myself ever being with anyone but you, here's my way of saying it" *commence marriage*

I think thats probably the question you have to answer yourself. Things have been good for 2.5 years, thats great. But do you see yourself growing old with her, a whole lifetime. If yes, then forge right ahead.
Old 06-28-2010, 08:25 PM Forever Domon is offline  
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Bukkakeboy
 
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Also, if you are worried about getting the shaft, pre-nup.
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Old 06-28-2010, 11:58 PM Bukkakeboy is offline  
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topcat989
 
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in what way are you guys sexually incompatible?

What matters is if you guys both want the same things, have enough in common to form a strong bond but different enough to be challenging (in a good way) and interesting to each other, and how much you both are willing to commit.

Sounds like you both have a good solid relationship, but maybe that deep romantic love that is a foundation for marriage isn't there. You'll have to sort that out yourselves. Just don't rush into anything with this change of feelings.
Old 06-29-2010, 02:12 AM topcat989 is offline  
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fapling
 
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here's some food for thought from the other side of the aisle:

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/0...id=zpO0f4ATVvn

personally i know a couple that's been together for over two decades and are not married and they seem to do perfectly fine
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Old 06-29-2010, 09:37 AM fapling is offline  
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NIPPLES OF VENGEANCE
i'm a fullblown fag.
 
Im getting married in 12 days , I have been with my fiance for 4 years total now...

I was of the mindset in the beginning that marriage is evil and would lead to nothing but unhappiness , my mom was married 3 times ( and is now single ) my dad twice and has been with his wife for almost 9 years now.

Really it came down to our compatability and , in no small part the fact that she is mexican and catholic.

She honestly does not believe in divorce , her parents have been married for 30+ years , and this is just how she was raised , I love her enough to want to spend my life with her and if the only way to really do it was to be married , it was an easy choice.

It took me a while to come to this decision but I know she would never leave me unless ( from her mouth ) "Started coming home and beating her every night"

and since I dont plan on doing that it was quite a sure thing.


Good luck in whatever you decide , I have friends who have been with their S/O for 10+ years but dont want to be married , they have kids and everything but he still doesnt want to give up "Being free"

it doesn't sound like thats you at all.
Just consider what it is you want in your life , I personally cant see myself without her in my life , she is responsible for alot of the good things in my life , including starting me on my career path , marrying her and making her truly happy was the least I could do

/blogmay

Good Luck in your decision
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Old 06-29-2010, 09:46 AM NIPPLES OF VENGEANCE is offline  
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Runding
 
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It's not for suckers.

It's been the best decision of my life.
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Old 06-29-2010, 03:03 PM Runding is offline  
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Coqui
 
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When people say it sucks, for the most part they are joking.

And the divorce rate thing you mentioned is horribly skewed based off of the same people constantly divorcing.
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Old 06-29-2010, 06:20 PM Coqui is offline  
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tunaman
 
First off, I want to thank you guys for the answers. Knowing this place I wasnt expecting thoughtful reasoned answers. I think we have an excellent relationship on both the inside and what we show to others. More than one friend has indicated the other partner as a husband or wife even though we are not married. More than one person has remarked that we are the strongest couple they know. I think we have a strong relationship and we have a strong love for each other as well. She is a remarkable woman and one that I am proud to have in my life. She is pretty good at taking care of me and giving me support and I do the same for her.

I guess a lot of the hangups in my mind have been wrapped around things like divorce, losing the ability to do what you want, the idea that people change even inside of a marriage and so on. I was hoping that I could get away without marriage and be one of those people that can be together without being married but I dont think that is going to be possible.

Runding, what has made it the best decision of your life?
Old 06-29-2010, 07:09 PM tunaman is offline  
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topcat989
 
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in what way are you guys sexually incompatible?


Old 06-29-2010, 10:37 PM topcat989 is offline  
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wwilliam54
 
Its cool

The only advice I can give is that when you get pissed about something, go ahead and fight. 20 min fight and then makeup is alot better than weeks of simmering resentment.

edit: and FFS don't be in each others shit all the time. Get a hobby other than her and vice-versa
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Old 06-29-2010, 11:25 PM wwilliam54 is offline  
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elsrijk
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by topcat989 View Post
in what way are you guys sexually incompatible?

What matters is if you guys both want the same things, have enough in common to form a strong bond but different enough to be challenging (in a good way) and interesting to each other, and how much you both are willing to commit.

Sounds like you both have a good solid relationship, but maybe that deep romantic love that is a foundation for marriage isn't there. You'll have to sort that out yourselves. Just don't rush into anything with this change of feelings.

I agree. Marriage is for life (well it should be). I am sure your relationship is strong, but "getting by" sexually doesn't sound like a positive base going forward. I would be thinking about sorting any issues you have there before commiting to marriage. Getting by can turn into not getting by at all, and that breeds resentment quickly.
Old 06-30-2010, 02:17 AM elsrijk is offline  
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Gibonius
 
I got married about a year ago, after dating for five years.

Marriage is just an advancement of a relationship. If you want to really share your life with someone, marriage is the way to do that. You add a big barrier to separating, and you are thus more inclined to put in the work to stay together and continue to grow your relationship. It really doesn't fundamentally change anything about your relationship, people who think things went south because they got married just had a bad relationship to begin with and didn't realize it.

There's really no reason to be scared of marriage. Marriage doesn't change relationships. You don't suddenly "lose your freedom" when you get married, the relationship only changes if the two people involved want it to. If you can do what you want right now in the relationship, odds are pretty good you'll be able to do what you want once you get married. Hash that shit out in advance.

People do change. People will always change. But it rarely happens suddenly. If you're willing to keep on top of things, and work at the relationship, you can do just fine.

As far as the divorce issue: 40% of first marriages end in divorce. That's actually pretty good, considering a "successful" marriage lasts a lifetime. The people who get divorced once tend to get divorced at a much higher rate. There's a wide variety of other things that increase divorce rates, but having divorced parents is one of the big ones. All points out the fact that it's not so much about picking the 100% right person, but having the skills to work out your problems once you have them.

The sexual incompatibility thing bears investigation. If sex isn't that big an issue for you, it's something you can live with. But once you're 100% locked in to not having sex with anyone else (well, assuming you decide not to have an open marriage or something), it can start to stress you if things aren't ok in the bedroom.
Old 06-30-2010, 08:41 AM Gibonius is offline  
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theNoid
 
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I'll be celebrating (key word, celebrating) my 1 year at the end of the month. Getting married was one of the best and shining moments in my life.

I must add that pretty much every "guy" I've ever known to be "against' marriage is either happily married now, or still single and miserable. Marriage isn't an end all of happiness but it was the natural progression for where I wanted to take my commitment and relationship. I have a child now as well, and raising my son in a structured family means more than the world to me. I was a fortunate child, who was raised in a happy family with 2 parents who are still married. Growing up I saw so many less fortunate kids and it always started at home.

Besides my unconditional love for my wife, the tax breaks are nice too! lol. But in all honesty even things like pre-nups are . If you're concerned about getting fucked, you simply do not marry that person.. love, true love is unconditional and a pre-nup is basically saying "Until death do us part .... or um ... unless other stuff happens and or I fall out of love or you get fat or I win the lottery..."

But then again, MOST people shouldn't be getting married, hense divorce rates. Nothing wrong with marriage, as long as you married your best friend and live a supportive uncontional loving life. People who expect anything more from marriage are destined to fail, or were never really in love to begin with. So again, theres nothing wrong with marriage.. but there clearly is something wrong with 60% of people who decide to get married.

Meet someone terrific, marry and start a family. This is really what life is all about. The day you have a child is the day you realize how selfish and empty your life was beforehand.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:27 AM theNoid is offline  
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Gibonius
 
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I must add that pretty much every "guy" I've ever known to be "against' marriage is either happily married now, or still single and miserable. Marriage isn't an end all of happiness but it was the natural progression for where I wanted to take my commitment and relationship.
I generally see that people are against marriage have had some past trauma and blame it on the institution rather than the situation. Those of us in our 20s now saw the highest rate of divorce in American history among our parents, and it fucked up a lot of us. But marriage still works, you just have to be grounded and have the right skills to make it work.
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I have a child now as well, and raising my son in a structured family means more than the world to me. I was a fortunate child, who was raised in a happy family with 2 parents who are still married. Growing up I saw so many less fortunate kids and it always started at home.
There's also this. There's a lot of evidence that married couple produce happier and more successful kids than single parent homes. Beyond that, if you're willing to have a CHILD with someone but not willing to marry them, something is seriously fucked up about your values. Marriage provides a solid foundation in which to raise kids.
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Besides my unconditional love for my wife, the tax breaks are nice too! lol. But in all honesty even things like pre-nups are . If you're concerned about getting fucked, you simply do not marry that person.. love, true love is unconditional and a pre-nup is basically saying "Until death do us part .... or um ... unless other stuff happens and or I fall out of love or you get fat or I win the lottery..."
I don't know that there's anything wrong necessarily about pre-nups, but it raises a big question about your mindset. If you have doubts you shouldn't be getting married
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But then again, MOST people shouldn't be getting married, hense divorce rates. Nothing wrong with marriage, as long as you married your best friend and live a supportive uncontional loving life. People who expect anything more from marriage are destined to fail, or were never really in love to begin with. So again, theres nothing wrong with marriage.. but there clearly is something wrong with 60% of people who decide to get married.
It's actually more like 40% of first marriages, so MOST marriages do work. The people who get divorced once just tend to do so again and so we end up at the "50% of all marriages fail" stat.

You're certainly right about expectations. People have weird ideas about what marriage is. Very little has changed about my life since I got married. My freedom hasn't gone down, my relationship has only changed in the sense that we've been through more together. There's no magical happy land fantasy, which I think is what a lot of people are looking for.
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Meet someone terrific, marry and start a family. This is really what life is all about. The day you have a child is the day you realize how selfish and empty your life was beforehand.
Well that's a separate issue altogether. Fulfillment is a personal thing, and working children into the equation is something everyone has to address for themself. The average couple has their most significant marital problems in the first five years of marriage, so generally it seems to make sense to wait a few years after marriage to get through the rough spots before getting a kid involved. You can also do some of those "selfish" things in life and enjoy yourself. Also depends significantly on how old you are at marriage, the calculus is going to be different for someone who gets married at 25 vs someone at 30 (etc).

I want to enjoy being married for a couple years, get settled into my career, do some traveling, then have kids. I'm pretty happy with my life now and don't feel that drive to radically change it by having a kid just yet. But I'm 27 and spent a lot of time in school (PhD) before entering the work force and my wife is only 25 and in the same educational situation.
Old 06-30-2010, 12:02 PM Gibonius is offline  
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