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Achilles
 
So, my (great) life sucks

My most serious post in GM (sorry if the post is too long), hope some good advice comes my way...

So, I've truly been a lucky guy for these 32 years:

Parents and family that love me to death and would do anything for me;
Never had money problems (we were an average middle class family);
Lots of friends that love me and that I love. Never had problems with the opposite sex (most of my friends are girls) and never felt any social problems;
An outstanding gf with whom I live together for the last 6 years;
Good job, great paying, company car, nice house;
No health problems myself or anyone of my family/friends.

So you may ask what's the problem? Problem is that I feel miserable for the last year. Not like a depression (doesn't lead me to have any of the most known depression symptoms). It's just that each morning I wake up and I really don't like the life I'm taking. I can't understand this state of unhapiness since I'm pretty much the luckyest guy in the world and most people suffer major problems (and I do read the post in BC) that I never had the misfortune to face. What's real is that I can't find what's making me unhappy... The unhappiness is also taking a toll in my relationship, leading me to increase the distance to gf and loosing interest in sex, although I do love her.

Yesterday she wrote me an email after a (tough) bed conversation (following a failed sexual approach), in which she asked me what am I really looking for (we already had a similar converstation a few months ago). Amongst the things talked I mentioned we had different sexual approaches (she's quite more conservative than myself in that area) and although I think we could improve and work together on that, there was a root problem with me (I tend to loose interest in things as time goes by), since I felt unhappy and didn't knew waht would make me happier...

In the email she told me that I'm this great guy and that she loves me, but that it seems I'll never be a satisfied guy in life, even if I had the best house, the best friends, the best car, and the best girl. She mentioned that even if I change job (I'm currently looking for a job move looking for new professional challenges) and finish the MBA (enrolling next October - already have a college degree + master), I won't be happier than I am today. She also mentioned that if I want to change the way I feel and ensure a future for us I should look for therapy (which I said I would think about).

Cliffs:

1. Great life at all levels;
2. Feeling unhappy and don't know why or how to solve it;
3. Unhappiness taking toll in relationship;
4. Dunno where my life is going to...


Inputs?
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Old 02-21-2008, 10:38 AM Achilles is offline  
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Namrok
 
This is usually the part where somebody tells you to find religion.

But thats not me.

But generally it sounds like you are finding your life to be meaningless. So I guess find some meaning in it? Some people go the religion route. Some people go the kids route. Some people just go for random spirituality or philosophy. Some people start their own businesses or become artists of some sort. Bottom line though, if the issue is one of a lack of meaning, well, you have to give your life meaning, it doesn't just happen.

If I'm off the mark, I'm sure somebody else will have better advice.
Old 02-21-2008, 10:47 AM Namrok is offline  
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M|22
 
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you're stuck in a rut, and it sounds like you've been there for a while

what do you think needs to happen? where do you want to go? what do you want to do?
Old 02-21-2008, 11:08 AM M|22 is offline  
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Scurvy Sailor
 
There is nothing wrong with being unhappy or unsatisfied. Life is not meant to be an unending series of joy, pleasure and happiness. Being unhappy is perfectly normal, it is the drive that gets things done in our society.

That being said, you seem to be looking for fulfillment. Many people find creating things to be fulfilling, try building something, writing a book, even having kids (the biggest and probably most expesive home project of all) may be an option for you.
Old 02-21-2008, 11:09 AM Scurvy Sailor is offline  
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LOLMAN
 
you probably should get kids, supposed to change everything
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Old 02-21-2008, 11:13 AM LOLMAN is offline  
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UID=growler
 
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Quote:
In the email she told me that I'm this great guy and that she loves me, but that it seems I'll never be a satisfied guy in life, even if I had the best house, the best friends, the best car, and the best girl. She mentioned that even if I change job (I'm currently looking for a job move looking for new professional challenges) and finish the MBA (enrolling next October - already have a college degree + master), I won't be happier than I am today. She also mentioned that if I want to change the way I feel and ensure a future for us I should look for therapy (which I said I would think about).
Shes right, of course you won't be happy just because you have more things, everyone knows this. If she thinks you have issues or need therapy because more money won't make you happy then I think she has issues.

Anyway, it sounds like your just living for yourself, and that is not very fulfilling because your just maintaining the cycle of Work -> Money -> Stuff.

Like others said, Kids/religion/volunteering for a cause you care about etc... these things can add a purpose to your life that is not completely self-serving. Thats not to say you should just pick one at random. If you want to pursue kids/family then you can go that route, if there is some issue you care about and would like to improve society or the world in some way.. pursue that.

It could even be your job, some jobs are clearly beneficial to society, others seem to exist only to make money.
Old 02-21-2008, 11:23 AM UID=growler is offline  
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mrj
 
You sound like you're lacking hobbies. Try taking up woodworking or something that will let you create shit. Get out do something exciting, go skydiving etc. Anything to spice your life up.
Old 02-21-2008, 11:34 AM mrj is offline  
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DigitalMocking
I :plane: M|22

 
You pretty much sound clinically depressed.
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Old 02-21-2008, 11:35 AM DigitalMocking is offline  
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Achilles
 
Thanks for the advice so far guys.

Namrok:
Religion is truly not what I'm looking for (gf is divorced and a former JW and her mother and sisters don't talk to her due to religion crap). Kids route is one me and gf spoke before but only at a 2 years horizon (she's working and taking college classe at the same time) and although I like the idea I sometimes feel the need to loose some of my selfishness before taking the step. In the past monts In the past months I thought in leaving the city and the exec job and move to the countryside and buy a farm, but that would mean a major move for my gf and I'm a bit coward in money matters.

M|22:
The major problem is that I don't know what to change the way things are going. For as silly as it seems I sometimes think that money would allow me to do things (whatever they are) that would change my life is at this point... still gf is probably right when she says that this is something with the inner me that wouldn't change so easy as I wouldn't get satisfied with things for a long time...

Scurvy Sailor
About the book, I thought about it but it seems that in the moment of truth Iend up spending my free time with friends or family, reading or playing football.

LOLMAN
As mentioned before, those plans came up but I'm afraid that in this moment that would be a high risk bet if things wouldn't turn out the way they're supposed to. Although kids are great, I wouldn't won't them to get affected by my unhappiness or frustattions.

UID=30151
She didn't mentioned my problem was money. She said that right now, even if I had the most perfect life in the world (not only material but emotional) I would still be unhappy since I still havent found what I'm looking for (U2 quote ) I do enjoy the stuff I get, but my life truly hangs around my family and friends, not stuff. Regarding job, I currently like the area I work in (IT) and some of the stuff I do (IT manager for large corporation) and would like to continue in the area, but I do agree with you that it doesn't fulfill me at all and is indeed a money making job.

mrj
I read, play football (or soccer in the other side of the Atlantic), scubadiving and hang out a lot with my friends, so spare time isn't wasted at all.

Tom Cruise
Good points there Tom. Most my friends are all about 2 kids, a dog, good jobs and a house in the suburbs. Still, other of them pursue different lifes (even quiting good jobs at the age of 30 to take a music degree and pursue her dream as a musician). The list isn't odd, it just reflects what most people would probably think of a dream life

DigitalMocking
Don't think so DM. One of my close friends had one lately and his symptoms don't fit my unhappiness. Also I'm not taking any meds and I don't feel the need for them. I guess this is mostly an existential crysis.
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Old 02-21-2008, 11:43 AM Achilles is offline  
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Achilles
 
I hear you Tom. After a traumatic breakdown with a former gf 10 years ago, I started to take the most of the experiences I get from life.I travel a lot due to work (I know most countries in Europe), but also spent hollidays both in these countries and in central/south America. I always try to mix with locals to take a taste of their life, but indeed I never though on traveling to places with a most different culture such as the ones you mentioned. I do realise that a lot of people is much happier with a lot less and take the most of life (shit, you only need to visit Brazil to understand that), but it's what you say happyness is a pretty irrational thing.
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Old 02-21-2008, 12:14 PM Achilles is offline  
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Zetherin
 
As others have touched on, fulfillment is what you should be striving for.

You must realize there is no perfect life, and just because you have all those things that society says make you a happy person, it doesn't mean you will be. Don't feel that you are an odd case just because you have a well paying job, an outstanding girlfriend, and no health problems, because you're not. Nothing buys happiness, and it's up to you to find it.

With that said, I wouldn't label you clinically depressed or any such term. Partially because I feel everyone is depressed in some way and partially because I don't like to label. You are just unhappy, and this is not abnormal. The key, however, is not to just seek happiness, but to seek FULFILLMENT. For example, don't just target a material asset to achieve a limited state of joy, or anything else that you feel makes you happy for short periods of time. Try to find something that you have a passion, a drive for. Whatever it is, put time, energy, and great effort. Suffer. Work towards something. To achieve true fulfillment, you must sacrifice and go through pain. Don't view the pain as an evil, but simply as a stepping stone to achieving something greater.

As for the relationship, it's inevitable that there will be a negative impact from you venting any of this. Everyone is on a different walk of life, and the indecisiveness you are currently exemplifying is just not attractive...not even from just a gender/sexual attraction point of view, but from a HUMAN point of view. However, if she REALLY does care about you, and is as outstanding as you say she is, I'd expect more from her. She should take the time to at least attempt to understand your current situation, and perhaps even acquire guidance in her own life...who knows.

Oh, and yeah, stay away from religion (this is not to say I'm saying to stay away from spirituality...). That's the last thing you need; it's one of those limited comfort things I spoke of earlier. Don't just pray and forget about your problems. Acknowledge them for what they are, and then find ways to overcome.

I know most of what I've said sounds vague, and I too have experienced what you're going through, and still experience it from time to time. If you want me to elaborate on anything, just let me know.

Take care,

Zetherin
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Old 02-21-2008, 12:38 PM Zetherin is offline  
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FM 2347
I am offended by the world isajeep.
 
I haven't read any of the replies yet but are you challenging yourself in any way? Are there any places you want to travel and are making plans for it? Are there any skills you're itching to learn (guitar, piano, cooking...etc)? It seems like you need an adventure. I think part of happiness is found in keeping your life in constant motion and changing things up with goals and challenges.

I'm not 100% happy but some things that are keeping me going at the moment are learning my guitar, learning to cook new meals and recipes, planning a trip to Indonesia for later this year, teaching myself bahasa Indonesia, reading up on stock investing, researching on how to get myself back in school, learning to make myself more marketable in the IT industry to name a few for this year. Plus I have a huge stack of books that I want to finish although it will take a long time I learn something new every day.

If you don't challenge yourself and expand your horizons you fall into a boring rut and become unhappy.
Old 02-21-2008, 01:26 PM FM 2347 is offline  
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Whizzleteets
I'll teach you to be happy! I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!
 
 
there's nothing wrong with being unhappy--whether it's with your job, your appearance... whatever. the trick is knowing where you want to be, and how you're going to get there.
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Old 02-21-2008, 02:33 PM Whizzleteets is offline  
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acidfast7
 
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Don't base your happiness within the context others define. That's what it sounds like you are doing by stating that you've been a "lucky guy." That implies that others see you as lucky/gifted/good and I say "bleh" to all of that.

It has taken me shedding what others define as "successful" to truly be happy. In the last 8 months, I have basically sold everything I owned, split with my wife (10 years), and took my dream job in a foreign country.

Only after this sacrifice and my final understanding that I need to do what it takes to make me happy, have I been truly happy.

To be honest, it sounds like you are living the "American Dream" in the view of others and that isn't making you happy. Therefore, IMHO, going to school and earning more money won't make you happier, so mix it up and do something that will make you happy.

Sometime happiness and liberation are synonymous.

Quote:
So, I've truly been a lucky guy for these 32 years:

Parents and family that love me to death and would do anything for me;
Never had money problems (we were an average middle class family);
Lots of friends that love me and that I love. Never had problems with the opposite sex (most of my friends are girls) and never felt any social problems;
An outstanding gf with whom I live together for the last 6 years;
Good job, great paying, company car, nice house;
No health problems myself or anyone of my family/friends.
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Old 02-21-2008, 02:45 PM acidfast7 is offline  
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ieyeasu
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DigitalMocking View Post
You pretty much sound clinically depressed.

Quote:
One of my close friends had one lately and his symptoms don't fit my unhappiness.
Are you properly educated to make that assessment? What you're describing fits pretty damn well. Look up anhedonia.
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Last edited by ieyeasu; 02-21-2008 at 02:51 PM..
Old 02-21-2008, 02:50 PM ieyeasu is offline  
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