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lucky579
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I am passive aggressive, and I want to fix it

I am passive aggressive, and it is becoming more and more apparent everyday.

I looked up some of the reasons why and found that it can be due to childhood memories/events where whatever you did wasn't good enough, and your parents didn't support much of anything you did. But they "love" you.

You weren't allowed to show any emotions, and when you did you were seen as weak, nothing was ever good enough, and your parents always had it tougher than you.

Experts suggest making a list of all the times you were upset but couldn't show your emotions around your family. Just thinking about these things made me very upset, to the point where I want to tell my parents that I no longer want to talk to them or see them again.

I'm 22 years old now, supporting myself 100% insurance/rent/school/food/gas/etc

I was at a point in my life when I was doing great, I had goals and dreams and I was following them. I lived on the beach paying for everything when I was 20, I didn't tell my parents I was moving, I just moved. I was going to school at the time, but there was a bigger opportunity at stake that I wanted to pursue, while going to school at the same time. I was happy, and passionate about something. I tell my parents about it, they tell me I can't make a living without going to college, that I'm stupid for moving, why should I be able to make more money than someone who attended college, you just think your a know it all.

And part of being passive aggressive is that you have that lingering thought that your worthless because nothing you did was good enough, so you end up sabotoshing your own success. I spent every last dime I had and was broke, forced to move back home. I got a job and moved out a month later, but it was the worst month ever.

I go to the gym daily, and eat healthy, my dad tells me I'm wasting my time
I write up a 25 page report that I've worked all semester on, my dad opens the first page reads the first line in a patronizing tone, and says "well this is an okay start" I ended up getting an A on it.

Recently I stopped by after taking my calclus midterm and wanted to tell my parents how well I was doing. They said "are you sure you did well, you know you don't want to think you did well and end up not doing well"

Can I tell them I don't want them in my life anymore, is this something I will regret?
Old 10-28-2009, 04:30 AM lucky579 is offline  
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CommiePunk
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i don't get what this has to do with being "passive aggressive". it sounds like you have asshole parents and need to get away from them. You can tell them to fuck off, stay away for a year or so and see how that goes. If you call them up and they act like dicks again, push them away for longer. Eventually they'll either come around and act normal. But if not, then you'll realize that you dont' need people like that in your life. I'm tired of hearing how you need to keep family in your life despite the fact that they may be worthless/leeches/negative/shitbags. Just becuase you were born to someone doesn't obgliate you to a life of misery.
Old 10-28-2009, 04:41 AM CommiePunk is offline  
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mainbrotha
 
I kind of agree with Commie here, as in I don't think it's a matter of you being passive aggressive. It just sounds like your parents are abusive. You're looking for support in the wrong place, which is really, really unfortunate that I would have to say that about your parents. I don't know when the last time you told them off was, because if I was in your shoes, I would flat out tell them to go fuck themselves if all they want to do is be critical of you and not show any thread of support.

It sounds like they get in the way of letting you be the person you want to be. Don't let them do that. From what I can tell, you like who you are, you like what you've done and you've accomplished some awesome things. So find people who appreciate that you that you are and who support you, too.
Old 10-28-2009, 05:33 AM mainbrotha is offline  
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Malne
 
Thirded, this is not about being passive aggressive.
Old 10-28-2009, 09:18 AM Malne is offline  
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matt00926
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mainbrotha View Post
It sounds like they [enjoy?] get in the way of letting you be the person you want to be. Don't let them do that. From what I can tell, you like who you are, you like what you've done, and you've accomplished some awesome things. So find people who appreciate that you that you are and who support you, too.

This

I wouldn't break things off in a bad way with your parents though; you never know, sometime in the future you may have problems again and find yourself needing to live at home for awhile. They will of course be less receptive if you tell them to go fuck themselves .

Just curious. Have you ever asked them, "Why would you even say something like that to your own son?"
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:37 AM matt00926 is offline  
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wilse
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matt00926 View Post
Just curious. Have you ever asked them, "Why would you even say something like that to your own son?"

maybe because that is passive aggressive, which is exactly what he doesn't want to be?

how about a non-passive-aggressive version of your suggestion?

"i don't like it when you talk to me that way, and i would like you to stop."
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:51 AM wilse is offline  
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adm01
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky579 View Post
I am passive aggressive, and it is becoming more and more apparent everyday.

I looked up some of the reasons why and found that it can be due to childhood memories/events where whatever you did wasn't good enough, and your parents didn't support much of anything you did. But they "love" you.

You weren't allowed to show any emotions, and when you did you were seen as weak, nothing was ever good enough, and your parents always had it tougher than you.

Experts suggest making a list of all the times you were upset but couldn't show your emotions around your family. Just thinking about these things made me very upset, to the point where I want to tell my parents that I no longer want to talk to them or see them again.

I'm 22 years old now, supporting myself 100% insurance/rent/school/food/gas/etc

I was at a point in my life when I was doing great, I had goals and dreams and I was following them. I lived on the beach paying for everything when I was 20, I didn't tell my parents I was moving, I just moved. I was going to school at the time, but there was a bigger opportunity at stake that I wanted to pursue, while going to school at the same time. I was happy, and passionate about something. I tell my parents about it, they tell me I can't make a living without going to college, that I'm stupid for moving, why should I be able to make more money than someone who attended college, you just think your a know it all.

And part of being passive aggressive is that you have that lingering thought that your worthless because nothing you did was good enough, so you end up sabotoshing your own success. I spent every last dime I had and was broke, forced to move back home. I got a job and moved out a month later, but it was the worst month ever.

I go to the gym daily, and eat healthy, my dad tells me I'm wasting my time
I write up a 25 page report that I've worked all semester on, my dad opens the first page reads the first line in a patronizing tone, and says "well this is an okay start" I ended up getting an A on it.

Recently I stopped by after taking my calclus midterm and wanted to tell my parents how well I was doing. They said "are you sure you did well, you know you don't want to think you did well and end up not doing well"

Can I tell them I don't want them in my life anymore, is this something I will regret?

I agree with others that your parents seem to be the problem in this equation. You should definitely guard yourself and distance yourself from them, but I would not recommend burning any bridges. You can choose not to be around them or visit them without a big blowup.

Because of the parents you grew up with, I think this definitely could cause some issues. When parents don't provide support and validation of our efforts, many times it only makes us work for it and want it more. We need it. The only way to get around this is to work on feeling validated by yourself.

The problem is with your parents, not you. From how it sounds, there is nothing you could ever do that would please them, and ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. The problem is with them, not with you. You sound like you are doing VERY well for someone that age (certainly far better than I was at that age) so working on the self-esteem and feelings of failure will be the biggest benefit to you. Its really hard to do this on your own sometimes, so you might consider seeing a psychologist for a while to help guide you through the process.
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Old 10-28-2009, 11:13 AM adm01 is offline  
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aoeoae
 
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ffs ignore your parents. why the hell are they reading your college papers? it's like you're letting them be helicopter parents. divorce yourself from them, you're 22.
Old 10-29-2009, 06:11 PM aoeoae is online now  
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squirtle
 
OP, dude, I totally feel you. My dad is the same way. I realized that he's a douchebag with a superiority complex that can't hold a decent conversation. So I listen to his sermons with respectful silence or one word responses and go about my own business. I agree with aoeoae, just ignore them. I'd very much like to tell my dad to fuck off but he's my dad and in my opinion it's just not worth it. I don't think it would be a good idea to alienate your parents completely.

Just my own 2 cents.
Old 10-29-2009, 10:10 PM squirtle is offline  
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DigitalMocking
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Sounds like you're just another whiny pussy to be brutally honest with you. You probably never had any real trauma or difficulty in your cushy life and now things are harder and you don't like it.

qq

You're an adult male, start acting like one, and less like a 13 year old still living with your parents. You might find it helps a bit.
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Old 10-30-2009, 06:46 AM DigitalMocking is offline  
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adm01
 
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Originally Posted by DigitalMocking View Post
Sounds like you're just another whiny pussy to be brutally honest with you. You probably never had any real trauma or difficulty in your cushy life and now things are harder and you don't like it.

qq

You're an adult male, start acting like one, and less like a 13 year old still living with your parents. You might find it helps a bit.

Is this a response to another thread that you accidentally put here or something? Because I don't see one thing you've said that corresponds to the OPs post. He's not "whining" about supporting himself and doing well for himself, hes basically just asking what he should do about parents who are not supportive of him, as parents should be.

If YOU have issues about YOUR life and past, fine, deal with those but its pretty damned pathetic to try to take it out on others for no reason.
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Old 10-30-2009, 02:47 PM adm01 is offline  
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I've seen something like this before and while it may not be the answer I'll throw it out there for consideration. It may be that the more you seek their approval, even on a subconscious level, that they won't be openly proud of you. I know a guy who went to school then got a masters and is now going for a phd and his father still isn't giving him any approval.

Simple fact from seeing it is if the guy appeared to be a complete and secure gentlemen on his own, who is HAPPY, then I know right away that his father will be proud instead of worry whether or not his son's effort are even leading him to a life he wants to live.

Next time the subject of what you're doing in life comes up say "don't worry about it." and then ask if THEY are doing okay. The more you do this the more it will become habit and they will start to see the shift in you becoming an adult. Worry less about the opinion of others and make sure you're genuinely happy and if they see that, maybe they'll change their mind. Even so in the end, their opinion shouldn't matter.
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Old 10-31-2009, 12:56 PM VapoRub is offline  
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#12  

jammywanks
 
I got angry thoughts all the time. My life was pretty fucked up.
My dad was a total dick when I grew up. He used to beat my mom infront of me when I was 4 years old, constantly argued w/ my mom, then it spread to my brother. My dad beat up my brother and I all the time for trivial shit. Eventually my brother became a teenager and faught w/ my dad almost everyday when I was in 6th grade. I thought it was just a short term thing. Fast forward to high school they're still doing it.

The trama of the violence in the house fucked me up pretty good. On top of that my dad is also one of those "hey dad! I just worked all summer long to buy a new car!" And then he's the type to say "you need to work harder, study, its not YOU TRY, YOU DO!!!" It had nothing to do with what I just said. I know my dad's a hard worker, but it also turned him into a complete work-a-holic asshole, never spent time w/ the family, except when it came time to yell at someone.

My parents never said anything positive to me, like my mom woudl tell me as a little kid that "nothing is fair in this world", or "nothing is free in this world". OK WHICH IS TRUE SOMETIMES, but what kind of a mom tells that to their children when they're trying to grow up?

My dad is a total shit bag, totally goes around the house saying stupid shit that I have to do this and that, no words of encouragement. Eventually my parents got divorced when I was 22 years old (apparantly I found out thats the worst age to see your parents get divorced). My dad moved half way arouund the world and was no longer around. It was actually one of the best years of my life when that happened.

Until you realize that all your friends have strong family bonds, they're dad's are the coolest people ever. And you look back at your own situation. It sucks. And you get depressed all over again. Why couldn't I just have some normal parents?

Passive aggressive? I don't know, but I get angry thoughts about things my dad said to me years ago, just cause he pissed me off literally everyday, I avoided my dad as much as possible around the house. I talked to him about these feelings this year, on the phone, and when he came back to visit, all he can say is that he's "sorry", and blames my mom for having him yell so much. But what the fuck does sorry mean? It only goes so far. . I told him I was trying to see a doctor about my issues, and asked him to chip in on the financial costs because I don't have insurance and some head doctors don't accept insurance anyways. And my dad said "I"ll pay for some but not all". FUCK YOU!

I know man, I should write up a list of things that pissed me off severely. Or maybe I already just did. My dad 1) Doesn't listen to his own kids 2) Tell him you did something awesome, he doesn't give a fuck 3) Ends the conversation telling me I have to take out the garbage.

Running away from family is even worse though. Those who have strong family structure tend to have longer lasting marriages. It affects you in many bad ways to avoid your parents and the rest of your family. And on top of that, you eventually moved back home anyways.

Unless your dad actually beat the fuck out of you all the time as a kid, I'm not sure how you are getting this angry over them being ignorant of your sense of accomplishment.

Last edited by jammywanks; 11-01-2009 at 10:25 AM..
Old 11-01-2009, 10:15 AM jammywanks is offline  
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