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mainbrotha
 
This "not caring" thing that everyone is pushing on you is basically the attitude change of ditching the "woe is me" mindset. If you get rejected, don't dwell on it. The more you dwell on it, the more it degrades your confidence and your ability to ask out another girl.

LIke I told you before, you should be able to set something up pretty easy with a girl. Hard part is finding the girl, easy part is finding something to do. All you have to do is do something like I said "Hey I know a great place to grab something to eat/a cup of coffee." or "i haven't shot a round of mini golf in a long time" blah blah blah. It doesn't matter what you do so much as you have fun doing it.
Old 08-04-2009, 06:36 AM mainbrotha is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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This "not caring" thing that everyone is pushing on you is basically the attitude change of ditching the "woe is me" mindset

More like not putting the pussy on a pedestal. You hanging out with women isn't some kind of privilege anymore than it is for them to be hanging out with you.
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Old 08-04-2009, 06:47 AM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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I don't understand why this is so difficult for me. There aren't any girls that like me, and I don't know, it makes me feel... useless? Like I'm not really a man. I feel like there isn't much I can do to "trick" someone into liking me so I'm not angry about it but it makes me feel depressed. Like there is something wrong with me but no one is telling me what it is.

Dude, this is the wrong attitude. In this world, you have to go for what you want. There is no "mold" of a guy that EVERY girl is attracted to. There is nothing wrong with who you are, just with how you approach the situation. I believe that any guy can get any girl for the most part, I even use myself as an example. The bottom line is, there are so many women out there, the more you put yourself out of your "comfort zone" and try to meet more of them, the more success you will have. It's that simple - the problem you are having isn't about YOU as a person, physically/personality etc. It's that you aren't putting yourself out there enough, and this will take some work and will benefit you in the long run.
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:25 AM notoriouscwe is offline  
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Every long term relationship I had started out as friendships. When you discover there's something there later on, that's way more important than having shallow reasons in the beginning.

Also there's this attitude you have that you just want "a" girlfriend or want to prove you're not weird. Neither are very appealing reasons to a woman. Girls want to feel special. They see through the BS. Beautiful girls especially. Just try to have a good time. Girls like guys who are playful, not just with them but with their friends too. Even unjustified cockiness goes far with them. It's either a demonstration of confidence or a demonstration of sarcastic humor. You really can't lose. Girls think socially when they think of accepting a guy. When you demonstrate you can be great with anyone and you choose her at the end, that makes her special.

So stop asking girls out. Make friends with them and their friends. Become a part of the pack or several packs. Say great things about your other friends. Tease them like they want to be a part of your life and then be satisfied with that. Shows you're happy with yourself and you don't need more from them. If any girl expresses an interest, don't change up your behavior, it's two faced to them. Things will happen naturally if they're meant to happen at all. In the end, being a part of the group will elevate your sense of self-worth and other girls will sense it and want in on the benefits.

Also you want new friends if any of them are saying "eww" at the idea of dating you. This is because girls are psychic and they share values. If you mess up with one, you likely messed up with all of them. They probably even sat around talking about it. Cut them loose for now, and find a new pack. Go in strong and be playful. You'll have more fun too. While you're at it, you gotta think as if you don't need them. You have friends, you're just there for a good time. And you can always have it because you're the source of it.

See you can't gravitate to people, you have to learn to have them gravitate to you. This is a quality that people are as perceptive to as they are susceptible to it. They don't care about being powerless to it so long as they can participate in it. Like sex. Once a girl starts liking you and gravitating towards you, then it's okay to tell her there's a little (very little) part of her that's doing the same for you. However you gotta demonstrate that you're resisting it. Always, and ongoing.

This isn't about getting a girl. It's about your own self worth. Getting a girl in that state isn't going to help. It's going to make you prey. Your self worth affects everything in your life. I just spewed out a whole lot of theory based on personal experience. I don't know if it's right or not, but if you bought it at all, it's because it was accepted by you. Because that's how I sold it. You need this in every area of your life. Work, friends, family, etc... Girls are the same. They don't want to lower their self worth by being with a needy guy.

I know a guy who didn't get a girlfriend and lose his virginity until he was 30 and then he broke up with her and married someone else at 32, who is a total hottie. He never worried about finding a girl or being in a relationship because his self worth was high.
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Old 08-04-2009, 10:39 AM VapoRub is offline  
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1999
 
Hey guys. Sorry I haven't updated or responded to anything in a while but there really isn't anything to report on. I went on vacation and now I'm focusing on some health issues I need to get taken care of over the course of the next few months. I might also consider therapy again depending on what my doctor says but it's an after thought to more pressing health concerns.

This probably isn't the "not caring" attitude you guys were talking about but there aren't any girls left for me to ask out at the moment. Maybe when school starts up again, but in the mean time I'm not really thinking about it. I know it's contrary to EVERYTHING that I should be doing, but I don't want to socialize as much over the next few months. I need to take care of myself above all else. All these issues I have with women just aren't that important right now.
Old 08-19-2009, 04:08 PM 1999 is offline  
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%...archy_of_needs

Don't know if this has been asked itt or not yet, but, have you read The Game by Neil Strauss?
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Old 08-19-2009, 06:20 PM fapling is offline  
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1999
 
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%...archy_of_needs

Don't know if this has been asked itt or not yet, but, have you read The Game by Neil Strauss?

It is always mentioned by someone on the internet whenever this type of topic comes up.

I honestly have no interest in becoming a "playa" and scoring with a lot of women. I just want ONE girl who likes me as much as I like her.

Full disclosure: I haven't read "The Game" in it's entirety. I think only parts of it because I remember having a long discussion about it with a friend of mine around the time when I was about to finish pre-med. My friends gave me other PUA books, "Venusian Arts - Revelation," and, "Magic Bullets." I read those. I have no idea if they are directly related but all those PUA books revolve around the same concepts. I appreciate how they let you "see" relationshipss and social situations but the assumptions they make about women make me uncomfortable and reluctant to adopt that type of outlook on relationships.

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Old 08-19-2009, 07:44 PM 1999 is offline  
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It is always mentioned by someone on the internet whenever this type of topic comes up.

I honestly have no interest in becoming a "playa" and scoring with a lot of women. I just want ONE girl who likes me as much as I like her.

good, then you should read it. I thought it was about being a player too, so i didn't get around to it until recently (friend gave it to me), turns out it's more a novel about a guy dealing with the same kinds of questions you are.

if you'd like to read it, PM me
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Old 08-19-2009, 07:49 PM fapling is offline  
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1999
 
Ah time to update with news from my dismal dating life!

Well there is this girl who I like a lot... blah blah blah. We've hung out a couple of times one on one and tonight we were at a bar drinking. I wanted to make a move but I couldn't just do it... I don't know. I ended up telling her that I, "really want to kiss you," and she proceeded to tell me that I'm a really good guy and she's not looking for a relationship right now.

Crash and burn. What else is new? I'm still going to pursue her but I know where I stand now... kinda. I don't know if I made a mistake by saying that... :\ Still single. Never been kissed. Going to be 27 in less than a month.
Old 09-24-2009, 12:14 AM 1999 is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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That's when you proceed to order a round of shots with some kind of justification <Insert X Reason to celebrate>. Honestly, why would a girl go out to a bar with you if she wasn't interested in some way? Plus the fact that she said she isn't looking for a relationship doesn't mean she doesn't want to fuck you.
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Old 09-24-2009, 01:21 AM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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Ah time to update with news from my dismal dating life!

Well there is this girl who I like a lot... blah blah blah. We've hung out a couple of times one on one and tonight we were at a bar drinking. I wanted to make a move but I couldn't just do it... I don't know. I ended up telling her that I, "really want to kiss you," and she proceeded to tell me that I'm a really good guy and she's not looking for a relationship right now.

Crash and burn. What else is new? I'm still going to pursue her but I know where I stand now... kinda. I don't know if I made a mistake by saying that... :\ Still single. Never been kissed. Going to be 27 in less than a month.

Yea... you told her you want to kiss her. But you didn't do it. I can guess you probably said that in a nervous, possibly cracking voice. And I'm guessing there were a lot of other similar things you did.

Think about the girl you want. Do you want someone indecisive, shy, quiet, prude, weak minded, emotional? Someone that has no life of their own and clings on to you 24/7? Fuck no.

I used to be shy too, thinking "omg, why cant this girl like me as much as I like her? I like her soo much".

No, since then my views have drastically changed. Need someone headstrong, independent, that lets me do stuff I enjoy doing. Not a depressed Debbie Downer that takes a differnt med everyday and has a therapist. Not shy - I need a good conversation partner, not a mumbler. Not indecisive, I fucking hate people that can never make up their minds or have no opinions of their own.

You're being that person. I think, fundamentally, any decent girl would want the same thing. Someone independent, headstrong, a doer and not a mumbler. Plan shit. Round up the troops(guys and girls). Speak your mind. Do things, don't just contemplate it.

We all want someone dominant (unless your a creeper or rapist that enjoys control).

Don't pursue her. Instead, next weekend, don't contact her. Contact her the following weekend to come hang out. In fact plan something with friends in a big social group - a mini-party, a bar hopping event, beer pong, going to a concert or the beach, etc... If she expresses doubt or makes up some excuse , CALL HER OUT. Tell she's being lame and to stop being a dork(unless her excuse is she's going to Vegas or something cool like that). Crack a joke, or something, then make it seem like you're going to have the time of your life without her... ok here's an example if you're going to the beach for example:

"God, don't be so lame. But hey, have fun playing pictionary or whatever you're really going to be doing. Dude, drinkin, frisbee, skinny dipping, smores, and no one's going to be able to hear you rock out your voice while we're jamming out around the bonfire"


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Plus the fact that she said she isn't looking for a relationship doesn't mean she doesn't want to fuck you.

thats where you should have said, and i'm not joking here:

"Wait, slow down there. What's this nonsense of a relationship? I thought we were out here just to party and have a good time" *cheers* slam on her glass.

Did you ever say you were looking for a relationship? No, she did. She just fucking put words in your mouth. Think if you were with a guy friend(and less gay situation). You offer him a beer. He acts like a pussy and refuses and makes up an excuse he can't stay up too late and get drunk. Wouldn't you call him out on it and make fun of him? Tell him it's "just a beer", who ever said anything about staying up until 2 AM drinking and smoking?

So...she can take that one of two ways::

1. You play it off cool and turn the rejection into a joke. If anything, the tides have turned, she's the one now embarassed
2. Maybe she's interested in just a fling, makeout session, who knows. Do some dirty dancing.

Either way you're out, at the bar, party, and have a few drinks and let loose.
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Old 09-24-2009, 01:28 AM xagent is offline  
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Trachei
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1999 View Post
Ah time to update with news from my dismal dating life!

Well there is this girl who I like a lot... blah blah blah. We've hung out a couple of times one on one and tonight we were at a bar drinking. I wanted to make a move but I couldn't just do it... I don't know. I ended up telling her that I, "really want to kiss you," and she proceeded to tell me that I'm a really good guy and she's not looking for a relationship right now.

Crash and burn. What else is new? I'm still going to pursue her but I know where I stand now... kinda. I don't know if I made a mistake by saying that... :\ Still single. Never been kissed. Going to be 27 in less than a month.

Here's a hint. Making a move has nothing to do with asking. Your body language defines everything. How you carry yourself would have defined that you wanted to kiss her, not you saying you want to kiss her.

you could always post a pic and we can see if you are at least okay looking. But, I suppose this has more to do with you not being confident, not flirting enough [cue playful teasing], and you generally just being a prude.
Old 09-24-2009, 03:22 AM Trachei is offline  
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1999
 
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Honestly, why would a girl go out to a bar with you if she wasn't interested in some way?

That's what I thought. This girl hasn't said no to anything I've suggested so I assumed things were going well. Normally, I wouldn't even be going on these little dates and the girl would make up some lame excuse which pretty much meant she wasn't interested anyway. I seriously just thought it was a matter of finding the right time and just kissing her. The night was ending and I acted... desperate by asking her that when the opportunity didn't present itself naturally (or I just missed it earlier on).

Quote:
Originally Posted by xagent View Post
Yea... you told her you want to kiss her. But you didn't do it. I can guess you probably said that in a nervous, possibly cracking voice. And I'm guessing there were a lot of other similar things you did.

Think about the girl you want. Do you want someone indecisive, shy, quiet, prude, weak minded, emotional? Someone that has no life of their own and clings on to you 24/7? Fuck no.

I used to be shy too, thinking "omg, why cant this girl like me as much as I like her? I like her soo much".

No, since then my views have drastically changed. Need someone headstrong, independent, that lets me do stuff I enjoy doing. Not a depressed Debbie Downer that takes a differnt med everyday and has a therapist. Not shy - I need a good conversation partner, not a mumbler. Not indecisive, I fucking hate people that can never make up their minds or have no opinions of their own.

You're being that person. I think, fundamentally, any decent girl would want the same thing. Someone independent, headstrong, a doer and not a mumbler. Plan shit. Round up the troops(guys and girls). Speak your mind. Do things, don't just contemplate it.

We all want someone dominant (unless your a creeper or rapist that enjoys control).

Don't pursue her. Instead, next weekend, don't contact her. Contact her the following weekend to come hang out. In fact plan something with friends in a big social group - a mini-party, a bar hopping event, beer pong, going to a concert or the beach, etc... If she expresses doubt or makes up some excuse , CALL HER OUT. Tell she's being lame and to stop being a dork(unless her excuse is she's going to Vegas or something cool like that). Crack a joke, or something, then make it seem like you're going to have the time of your life without her... ok here's an example if you're going to the beach for example:

"God, don't be so lame. But hey, have fun playing pictionary or whatever you're really going to be doing. Dude, drinkin, frisbee, skinny dipping, smores, and no one's going to be able to hear you rock out your voice while we're jamming out around the bonfire"




thats where you should have said, and i'm not joking here:

"Wait, slow down there. What's this nonsense of a relationship? I thought we were out here just to party and have a good time" *cheers* slam on her glass.

Did you ever say you were looking for a relationship? No, she did. She just fucking put words in your mouth. Think if you were with a guy friend(and less gay situation). You offer him a beer. He acts like a pussy and refuses and makes up an excuse he can't stay up too late and get drunk. Wouldn't you call him out on it and make fun of him? Tell him it's "just a beer", who ever said anything about staying up until 2 AM drinking and smoking?

So...she can take that one of two ways::

1. You play it off cool and turn the rejection into a joke. If anything, the tides have turned, she's the one now embarassed
2. Maybe she's interested in just a fling, makeout session, who knows. Do some dirty dancing.

Either way you're out, at the bar, party, and have a few drinks and let loose.

"I used to be shy too, thinking "omg, why cant this girl like me as much as I like her? I like her soo much"."

This. I was thinking exactly this when she said that. She thinks I'm cute, we have good conversation, I make her laugh, take her out to do exciting things so what the fuck is the problem? Haha.

I'll admit I was shy around her tonight... I'm shy around girls I like when things actually start going well... but I'm not some guy just waiting around for her to give me some attention. I'm outgoing and have a life. I feel like I might have been displaying those positive qualities about being confident at least enough to get her interested but let the pussy side show more as the situation became more and more unfamiliar to me. I was out at a dinner party with my friends before we met up for drinks so it's not like I have no life of my own or things to do if she doesn't call/text me. I was cracking jokes, making her laugh and just generally getting to know each other well. I thought we were both having a good time until I started thinking about "making a move," and became a bit less conversational. I don't know why I got so shy. Maybe it's because I've never done it before? Or maybe it's because there was some doubt about what would happen next if she really did want to kiss me back. I recall actually feeling more scared if she wanted to kiss me back than if she rejected me... in some weird twisted way rejection is almost easier to accept just because I'd be expecting it. Like, I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be that she "just wanted to be friends." Almost relieved in some fucked up way that I didn't have to try so hard anymore and actually just be friends.

BTW, we made tentative plans for Saturday night. Drinks and dancing. "Tentative" because I don't know if she'll back out of it now that I put it out there in an awkward way that I like her and that I'm a shy pussy but we'll see. I could go either way now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trachei View Post
Here's a hint. Making a move has nothing to do with asking. Your body language defines everything. How you carry yourself would have defined that you wanted to kiss her, not you saying you want to kiss her.

you could always post a pic and we can see if you are at least okay looking. But, I suppose this has more to do with you not being confident, not flirting enough [cue playful teasing], and you generally just being a prude.

Yep, yep. Saying it was an act of desperation. I mean, I said that shit at the end of the night. Not during conversation, or anything more natural sounding. It was definitely forced and that was stupid.

I could PM you a link to my pic if you gave me your word you wouldn't post it on this forum (yes, I know it's the internet and people lie but I'm just saying). I feel like I'm being rather honest about myself and my relation to women but at the same time I don't want my business out there and publicly linked to me in real life... if that makes any sense to you.



BTW guys, here's another thing about this girl. She has a boyfriend... or at least a 'friends with benefits' deal with some guy (I've met the guy once but I heard about this through friends - their advice, don't get too emotionally attached until you know exactly what's up). I've never spoken to her about it; why would I? It wouldn't benefit me in anyway to put that out there if her and I hadn't really done anything (kiss, make out, etc) yet. I don't know how this factors in because she was still out with me and interested in seeing me. We've hung out a couple of times where this never came up despite discussion about past relationships, etc. Not to mention that when she rejected me she didn't say it was because of him. She's 20 years old, so I wouldn't put it past her that she just wants to have a good time, but without pressing this particular issue, she has been very honest and genuine with me so far.
Old 09-24-2009, 04:52 AM 1999 is offline  
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Mr. Susan
 
I' ve been set up on a date with a 21 y/o virgin. She's been described as very nice, not judgemental at all works in a nursery and some other place, just hasn't found the right guy yet, might be shy at first. Seen her profile picture and I'd say she's in the higher tiers of my league. Really looking forwards to meeting her.
About myself: I'm 18, a virgin, I'm a research analyst for an investment bank and get a good wage for my age (1300 a month). I'd say I'm average looking, not ugly and a nice funny guy. Find it hard getting on with someone I just met usually but very confident around friends.
It's going to be a double date with my brother and his g/f (girlfriend not George Foreman) it's my brothers g/f's friend and they hooked us up for tomorrow (small side detail: no one but me and my best friend know I'm a virgin)
I plan to put my best efforts in keeping an interesting flowing conversation, keeping topics of conversation casual (no heavy shit) and just going to the pub and having a good time. I got an introductory one-liner up my sleeve I made up (So, tell me a bit about yourself. all I know so far is your name's Lisa, you work in a nursery and that you have beautiful eyes *stare into said eyes and grin cheekily*)
Will my current plan be sufficient enough to get her interested? This is not about sex, I don't think after 21 years of abstinence she'll give it up to me because I was charming for a night. If this girl fits her description I want to pursue a relationship with her and will be willing to wait for her to be ready (within reason) I've been waiting 18 years so a little while longer wont hurt, to be honest I'm looking a lot more forward to a relationship than sex.
So any other tips and advice to help me up my game? Advice needed before 6:00pm tomorrow (Friday).
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Old 09-24-2009, 05:26 AM Mr. Susan is offline  
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1999
 
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I' ve been set up on a date with a 21 y/o virgin. She's been described as very nice, not judgemental at all works in a nursery and some other place, just hasn't found the right guy yet, might be shy at first. Seen her profile picture and I'd say she's in the higher tiers of my league. Really looking forwards to meeting her.
About myself: I'm 18, a virgin, I'm a research analyst for an investment bank and get a good wage for my age (1300 a month). I'd say I'm average looking, not ugly and a nice funny guy. Find it hard getting on with someone I just met usually but very confident around friends.
It's going to be a double date with my brother and his g/f (girlfriend not George Foreman) it's my brothers g/f's friend and they hooked us up for tomorrow (small side detail: no one but me and my best friend know I'm a virgin)
I plan to put my best efforts in keeping an interesting flowing conversation, keeping topics of conversation casual (no heavy shit) and just going to the pub and having a good time. I got an introductory one-liner up my sleeve I made up (So, tell me a bit about yourself. all I know so far is your name's Lisa, you work in a nursery and that you have beautiful eyes *stare into said eyes and grin cheekily*)
Will my current plan be sufficient enough to get her interested? This is not about sex, I don't think after 21 years of abstinence she'll give it up to me because I was charming for a night. If this girl fits her description I want to pursue a relationship with her and will be willing to wait for her to be ready (within reason) I've been waiting 18 years so a little while longer wont hurt, to be honest I'm looking a lot more forward to a relationship than sex.
So any other tips and advice to help me up my game? Advice needed before 6:00pm tomorrow (Friday).

Don't over-think it and you'll be fine. Just be your natural, cool self. Talk about a relationship at this point means you are over-thinking it.

I'm like 10 years older than you! It's not weird to be a virgin at 18. At that age most girls still think it's "cute." Don't worry about it.
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