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s0me0nesmind1
 
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Girlfriend with 0 Sex Drive...

Hello Gen[M]ay,

I figured I've been given some good advice over the years - which has kind of what has led me to this first relationship So thank you for that, v-card is gone

Anyhow, I'm in my first relationship and we are up to approx 7 months. My problem that I'm just going to go straight to is that my girlfriend has 0 sex drive. It is REALLY been killing me lately and making me ponder things. I mean, she just has no interest in sex at all. I would fuck like rabbits every day like some people do, but she definitely won't - and I understand somewhat - I guess that's something I have to adjust to, right? So fine, we move on to weekly, I can stand to adjust to her, but now it's just a never ending cycle of almost pity sex at random intervals. Afterwards I can just tell from her personality that she just isn't excited and does it for me. It's REALLY getting fucking sad and I don't like it. I don't expect her to be as horny as me, but I also expect for there to be SOME kind of sexual attraction in the relationship.

I understand though, she told me from the get go (within the first month) that she isn't a horny girl, but I guess you toss in some birth control pills and it takes it all away? Or maybe she just has lost sexual interest in me? Maybe a combination? I don't know [M]enGay, this is just shit that has been rolling around in my head for the last few days, and I could just really use some guidance from people with more experience.

Some notes:
-She has never been much of a sexually active person, she's had sex with I think... 7 people total in her life... something like that, either way, not that much
-Small age difference between us, I'm 22, she is 27
-Before us, she had NEVER been introduced to the idea of sex toys. I bought her a small bullet vibrator and she can't go without it when we do manage to get in bed.
-Before us, she had never came from a guy eating her out. I'm so much open to the idea of pleasing her instead of just giving myself a cum in 1 minute and saying "Goodnight baby". But I guess even this isn't enough to make her have any kind of sex drive

Anyways, your thoughts are appreciated [M]...
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Last edited by s0me0nesmind1; 06-20-2011 at 06:25 AM..
Old 06-20-2011, 06:17 AM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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Coqui
 
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Have you talked to her about it? Could very well be a self esteem issue on her own part (regardless of what you say/do)

But either way, if she's not willing to show passion in your relationship (not just put out) then the relationship is pretty much doomed.
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Old 06-20-2011, 06:38 AM Coqui is offline  
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theswany
 
A relationship only works when your needs are being met. You may lose out on a couple of "wants" but that's compromise. This doesn't' sound like a want but an actually need and it's not something that you can just turn off.

I would suggest talking to her about it but I'm not sure if anything can really come from that in this case. Since it's your first relationship it's also harder to know when to say goodbye because you're really trying to make it work. If your needs arn't being met then you'll have to move on.
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Old 06-20-2011, 07:28 AM theswany is offline  
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Artesial
 
Birth control can absolutely kill sex drive in some females. My girlfriend reacted poorly to it when she took it and would never want to have sex; for this reason we decided it would be better to always use condoms and no birth control if while using birth control we're not having sex. We just buy good quality condoms that are very thin and I barely notice I'm using one.
Old 06-20-2011, 07:40 AM Artesial is offline  
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Gibonius
 
Did she have a higher sex drive before starting BC? If so, she may want to talk to her gyno about switching to a different type of pill.

It could be self-esteem, it could be hormonal (BC), it could just be personality, it could be stress. Hard to pin down, really. Has anything major changed in her life that might correlate to the decline? I've gone through some dry spells where we just don't seem to find time, and it's usually because something is going on to lead to high stress level (at work as it turned out for us).

Maybe go on a little vacation and see if a change of scenery props things up? It's not a solution, but it'll give you a little more data. Probably an emotional thing if you guys have great sex on vacation
Old 06-20-2011, 08:07 AM Gibonius is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coqui View Post
Have you talked to her about it? Could very well be a self esteem issue on her own part (regardless of what you say/do)

But either way, if she's not willing to show passion in your relationship (not just put out) then the relationship is pretty much doomed.

I have tried talking to her about it, but without the whole "Honey, lets sit down and have a talk", but moreso just casually tossing in a word.

We get along... like...really awesome. Never fight, I'm always up front with ANYTHING and I confront ANYTHING that might come up, so saying things like the relationship is pretty much doomed is scary to even think about.

But explain more - what do you mean by passion? She shows love in plenty of other ways, don't get me wrong. If you need more details on the relationship ask away... just be specific, I suck at describing things I haven't been asked before
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:30 PM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theswany View Post
A relationship only works when your needs are being met. You may lose out on a couple of "wants" but that's compromise. This doesn't' sound like a want but an actually need and it's not something that you can just turn off.

I would suggest talking to her about it but I'm not sure if anything can really come from that in this case. Since it's your first relationship it's also harder to know when to say goodbye because you're really trying to make it work. If your needs arn't being met then you'll have to move on.

You see, I understand this but at the same time I understand a bit coming from her side as well. I've asked some close friends but I kind of want a general average... how often do most couples fuck? Seriously? I have no bloody clue. I can last 2 weeks as long as I have something to do that exhausts me daily, but yeah, when we go to bed after a boring day it is something passionate that I enjoy. I friggen love that I introduced things like going down on her and toys, and she still kinda gets off to it but with women I guess if there isn't sex drive to begin with then it's a moot point.

Like my post above though, everything else is working out too much for me to give anything up. We aren't fighting about this or anything so I'm giving it time. I'm the type of person who asks for advice BEFORE being in the bad situation to begin with.

Some more notes:
-She's still a bit hung up on her ex I'm sure, but NO WHERE near as much as she used to be. Her ex lived with her even after broken up for months because she felt bad (he moved to the US because of her), but it just didn't work out. She thought it was, they were together for so long, she bought a house because of it, etc... etc... so now she's in a situation that she doesn't really like. A big house with maintenance, no family. She doesn't like the area, weather, etc...
-She's kind of alone here... she moved here because of her job, and it's a great job but she has no family or friends here. I talked to her today about going out more, but that's a whole different subject.
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:35 PM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artesial View Post
Birth control can absolutely kill sex drive in some females. My girlfriend reacted poorly to it when she took it and would never want to have sex; for this reason we decided it would be better to always use condoms and no birth control if while using birth control we're not having sex. We just buy good quality condoms that are very thin and I barely notice I'm using one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gibonius View Post
Did she have a higher sex drive before starting BC? If so, she may want to talk to her gyno about switching to a different type of pill.

It could be self-esteem, it could be hormonal (BC), it could just be personality, it could be stress. Hard to pin down, really. Has anything major changed in her life that might correlate to the decline? I've gone through some dry spells where we just don't seem to find time, and it's usually because something is going on to lead to high stress level (at work as it turned out for us).

Maybe go on a little vacation and see if a change of scenery props things up? It's not a solution, but it'll give you a little more data. Probably an emotional thing if you guys have great sex on vacation

I'm totally willing to switch to condoms - and she DOES need to see her gyno anyways, so I'll make sure she asks about that. I'm sure she would rather be on the pill for safety at all times though, so maybe just switching brands would at least HELP.

Did she have a higher sex drive before starting BC? Sure I suppose, but she started right after and it went way down after that. I had a good talk to her over the phone while I was at work today, a lot of it is self esteem I suppose, everyone else can toss your 2 cents into the hat on that one, but she just kinda wishes she had a gang of friends and her family around her except it's kind of just me. At the same time I can tell she wishes she was married with kids at her age but after her whole ex situation it kinda just shot her down.

Don't get me wrong though, hell of a strong girl, but that kind of situation would knock anyone down a peg (financially as well!)
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:41 PM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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Gibonious - we actually JUST got back from a vacation It was a total blast and we had a ton of fun. I don't know if you're looking too far into this, but we get along great as a couple. I'm just bringing up the sex to be honest. But no, the vacation didn't really help the sex, partly because every night we were tired as balls, not the greatest comparison heh.
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:43 PM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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As a guy who had 0 sex drive let me put in my 2 cents. I don't know how much it'll help but regardless... I had sex for the first time at the age of 21 (a month before 22, but whos counting really). Age is important in this story, because it probably took me til I was 23 before I started to truly enjoy it.

It took 2 years before I enjoyed sex because up until I had sex I had done absolutely nothing with a girl, not even kiss, hold hands -- nothing. I had/have huge self-esteem issues as a result. Not a single girl had placed a single ounce of interest in me.

As a result, I had to;
1. get over the fact that I'm not completely hideous and that it is possible for someone to feel aroused by me. A concept that was very hard for me to get.

2. Learn to enjoy sex. I don't know how to pinpoint exactly what caused it. Maybe it was the fact that growing up sex was a very taboo thing (absolutely never talked about with my family). It was a very dirty thing, the first time I did it I felt bad like I had just finished drowning a puppy without getting caught.

So consequently, I didn't enjoy sex, like your gf I was having sex maybe 2-3 times a day because my girlfriend wanted it. I eventually told her this and it made her have no sex drive.

I eventually worked a little bit at the two issues mentioned earlier and I started really enjoying sex but it was too late. My girlfriend stopped enjoying sex with me and we eventually stopped having sex all together until we broke up.
Old 06-20-2011, 05:07 PM TheRealScott is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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She says this has always been a problem in that she's just not horny like a lot of girls are. Could be ol' "Make you feel better speech" or complete truth, I wouldn't know.

Buuut you in me are completely different. I have you beat in that I had sex for the first time at 22 (with this current girl). First time was slightly awkward, she couldn't get me off but nevertheless, I can't say I didn't enjoy it from the start. Maybe it's just a case where she needs to learn to enjoy sex ? I don't know, vagina's are too weird for that to even be brought up here.
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Old 06-20-2011, 05:15 PM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
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My issue is similar. And, much, MUCH longer than yours. If your getting any at all, you have one better on me.

My GF and I have been dating for 11, freaking, years. For various reasons we have long been ready to get married, we just haven't. which is not part of this discussion.

In late 2003 she, cut me off, sexually. And has more or less denied it ever since. It took, a WHILE, before I stomped my foot down, and told her that shit needed to stop, we needed, I needed, to get laid. Obviously 8 years later, I've not been (I love this woman... or I would not put up with this shit).

After her sex drive dropped to nothing. she started having spotty periods.. once every two months. three months sometimes longer. Then she went almost a year without one. This sudden drop off on sex drive coincided right along with the period change.

I knew about it. she told me about it. I was aware. I thought nothing of it.

Then I told family, my Mother stared at me like I had just slapped her. She told me to tell the GF to see a Gyno, NOW.

My Gf, having, never, gone to one, nervous as hell, went.

Polycistic Ovarion Syndrome. I hope I am saying that right.

Anyway. It had cut off the small amount of testosterone in her female system (which helps drive sex drive), screwed up her other hormones, and may have entirely ruined her chances of ever having kids.

It took years to figure out where her sex drive was off, and we finally have.

Your girl, MUST, go to a doctor, the sooner the better. Humans have a sex drive as a primal response to the need to procreate and drive forward the species. It's there for a good biological reason. IF her's at her age. is gone or highly muted. there is probably a strong medical reason for it.

Her sex drive should steadily be ramping upwards, not cut off. Especially if she hasn't had a child. It should start getting to the point where her vagina should be leaping out of her pants and trying to crawl all over you.
Old 07-04-2011, 11:31 AM gwiber is offline  
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Forever Domon
 
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My issue is similar. And, much, MUCH longer than yours. If your getting any at all, you have one better on me.

My GF and I have been dating for 11, freaking, years. For various reasons we have long been ready to get married, we just haven't. which is not part of this discussion.

In late 2003 she, cut me off, sexually. And has more or less denied it ever since. It took, a WHILE, before I stomped my foot down, and told her that shit needed to stop, we needed, I needed, to get laid. Obviously 8 years later, I've not been (I love this woman... or I would not put up with this shit).

After her sex drive dropped to nothing. she started having spotty periods.. once every two months. three months sometimes longer. Then she went almost a year without one. This sudden drop off on sex drive coincided right along with the period change.

I knew about it. she told me about it. I was aware. I thought nothing of it.

Then I told family, my Mother stared at me like I had just slapped her. She told me to tell the GF to see a Gyno, NOW.

My Gf, having, never, gone to one, nervous as hell, went.

Polycistic Ovarion Syndrome. I hope I am saying that right.

Anyway. It had cut off the small amount of testosterone in her female system (which helps drive sex drive), screwed up her other hormones, and may have entirely ruined her chances of ever having kids.

It took years to figure out where her sex drive was off, and we finally have.

Your girl, MUST, go to a doctor, the sooner the better. Humans have a sex drive as a primal response to the need to procreate and drive forward the species. It's there for a good biological reason. IF her's at her age. is gone or highly muted. there is probably a strong medical reason for it.

Her sex drive should steadily be ramping upwards, not cut off. Especially if she hasn't had a child. It should start getting to the point where her vagina should be leaping out of her pants and trying to crawl all over you.
despite having a medical reason for not feeling it herself, didnt you get frustrated that she didnt at least make an effort for you?
Old 07-04-2011, 11:33 AM Forever Domon is offline  
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despite having a medical reason for not feeling it herself, didnt you get frustrated that she didnt at least make an effort for you?

Apathetic woman who lay there like a fish, is as bad to me as not getting any.
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:47 AM Coqui is offline  
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Forever Domon
 
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Apathetic woman who lay there like a fish, is as bad to me as not getting any.
yeah, im not saying she should do that, or should be forced to do anything she doesnt want to.

Im just trying to put myself in her shoes in the situation, if I had some medical condition that kept me from performing (maybe ED or something, that actually made it physically impossible) id still want to try to make my partner happy however I could (toys, oral, whatever) to try to make up for what I wasnt feeling.
Old 07-04-2011, 12:13 PM Forever Domon is offline  
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