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SexiOne
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Need advice on how to deal with an angry person...(long post enter with caution)

So this is gonna be a long post, sorry in advance, but it's bugging me so yeah bear with me!

I have known this guy for a few months, and we like each other, have gotten real close, blah blah blah, but it seems that his way of dealing with conversations and confrontations are very anger based and I am the exact opposite. I like talking things out and getting the problem over with as soon as possible so I can move on more quickly or I tend to dwell...so here's the long version, with cliffs to follow:

Rewind to last night, we were hanging out and he leaves around midnight, and says he's going to go see his friend Teresa, and hang with her to smoke some weed then go home. She happens to live close to me, so I ask if he is going to spend the night so his drive to hang out today is shorter for him(he spends the night there semi-frequently they used to hook up but says they dont now), he says probably not, depends if her roomie is home. He won't if the roomie is home, but will if the roomie is gone. I say ok well let me know. I get a text saying he's going home, and night.

So we had plans to meet up around 4, cause he said he had to meet with someone about a job this morning, so ok whatever. I don't get any texts in the AM, so around 3 I text and say whats up how did the meeting go etc. No text back, so about 3:30 I try to call thinking his phone is dead(cause it's been acting weird lately) it goes straight to voicemail, and I don't bother to leave a message.
He texts me at 3:45 saying he just woke up, charging his phone cause it died and he is going back to Teresas cause she has his favorite cereal there and he's gonna eat, charge his phone, then head over. So I know from his place to hers is a 30 min drive and in my head I work out about an hour eta to my place. I text him back saying ok sure. He texts me 4 mins later and says he is there and will be leaving soon, and I say you drove there fast damn. A few texts later, he tells me he actually stayed over, but didnt want to hear me question him. So I am like well wtf I asked you about it why not just be honest. etc. Few more texts go by and he says he doesnt wanna come over anymore randomly so I am like uh ok so come talk to me about this whole thing so we dont have to text about it, and he refuses to take my call. So I say ok well lets at least meet up, it will take 30 mins out of your day can you just do that for me? Then starts the random freak out...

He starts texting me all angry that I tried to guilt trip him into seeing me and that it's a deal breaker for him, and how pissed he is that I would say that shit to him and how he grew up with people guilt tripping him etc. So I say hey that wasnt what I meant by it, I just wanted to talk instead of text, and you wont take a call from me. The angry texting basically goes on for an hour back and fourth me trying to say hey relax that wasnt the intent of what I said, Im trying to just talk to you etc. And him the whole time raging the fuck out saying he isn't going to talk to me anymore if I keep pushing it etc.

Now, by now you're shaking your head thinking I'm stupid, but I do realize that he did that to divert the attention from him lying to me and turning it around on me so he didn't have to talk about it. I understand all that, and it's annoying as fuck, but the question I have in general is, what is the next step to bring up the issues?
I told him in text he can get pissed all he wants and push me away but the issues wont go away because of it etc. Since I am aware of the immature reasons for the anger, can I help this person? Or is it a lost cause that he will have to work out on his own? I really like this guy and want to work it out, but it's frustrating. Any advice? I am not trying to be one of those naive girls who thinks they can change a person, I just believe in exhausting every option before giving up on someone. So basically, I'm at a loss on the next step. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through!

Cliffs:
1. I like a guy who is 20, and immature that deals with serious issues by getting really angry and pushing things onto me when we talk
2. I understand what he's doing and want to help/am willing to deal with the stupid immaturity in hopes that he will trust me enough to let his guard down around me and talk through shit
3. Next step?
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Last edited by SexiOne; 02-16-2010 at 12:34 AM..
Old 02-16-2010, 12:19 AM Goddess is offline  
#1  

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Forever Domon
 
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No idea how old you are, but sounds like he's acting like a typical immature 20 year old, he might grow up in 3-5 years, but thats a long time to wait.

Heres the bottom line. If in his anger he ever curses at you, calls you names, insults you, whatever. Ditch him.
If its generic undirected anger, talk to him when he's calm about after you gave him some space, if he can talk about it rationally, great. If he get mad that you even brought it up and launches back into the tirade, see above.

Resolving conflict requires being able to see things rationally, seems like he's getting mad over awfully little things, when he was the one that lied and did something wrong.
Old 02-16-2010, 12:24 AM Forever Domon is offline  
#2  

Goddess
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Quote:
Originally Posted by domonbaylespam View Post
No idea how old you are, but sounds like he's acting like a typical immature 20 year old, he might grow up in 3-5 years, but thats a long time to wait.

Heres the bottom line. If in his anger he ever curses at you, calls you names, insults you, whatever. Ditch him.
If its generic undirected anger, talk to him when he's calm about after you gave him some space, if he can talk about it rationally, great. If he get mad that you even brought it up and launches back into the tirade, see above.

Resolving conflict requires being able to see things rationally, seems like he's getting mad over awfully little things, when he was the one that lied and did something wrong.

I am 25...and thank you for the response.
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Old 02-16-2010, 12:34 AM Goddess is offline  
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To be honest im not sure what advice can be given here. You sound like you have a reasonable perspective on the situation. To me, a random dude on the internet, it totally does not sound like it will be worth the stress to deal with this, I mean... he kind of sounds like an asshole and is almost certainly still sleeping with the girl whose house he sleeps over (I mean... come on).

But, thats your call. If you think its worth it to try to make this relationship work, assuming he isnt verbally or physically abusive, then keep doing what youre doing. Show him patience and understanding through words. Be calm when he becomes angry. If the trend continues like that for long and hes intelligent, he should start to feel silly and open up. That is, assuming he's willing to listen. And thats ultimately up to him. If he is so closed off that you find it too difficult to express yourself to him, how would you ever expect to connect with him on anything below surface level?

But man... i really get the impression hes still sleeping with that chick
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Last edited by Golf(e); 02-16-2010 at 12:40 AM..
Old 02-16-2010, 12:35 AM Golf(e) is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Golf(e) View Post
To be honest im not sure what advice can be given here.

My first thoughts after reading this. You're 25 - he's 20. Plus everyone likes to toss around something to the tune of boys take longer to mature than girls. It is obvious he hasn't reached that point in maturity - and I don't mean standard puberty. Sounds like your typical bro frat boy that can never confront issues head on and would rather think about it and drink. But the problem with this type of shit is people do not change until they hit a wall that makes them realize shit - and you are not likely to be it. Sorry - but I can tell you that first hand.

Personally I can't believe your falling head over heals for this guy - especially one's that still can't take a phone call when they get butthurt to solve problems and would rather just drone on them for the rest of eternity or until someone apologizes a week later. Believe me when I say this situation is so typical the fact that you're writing about it is pretty bad. No really - this happens every_single_day.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:05 AM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
#5  

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so he lies about spending the night at a girls house that he used to bang and smokes weed with? and then gets pissed cause you "called him out" (in his mind)? he wont talk to you on the phone like an adult and so starts "angry texting" you about the whole situation?

first off, you must be one cool chic (or completely naive) to be cool with him sleeping over at a former fuck buddies house (especially when the roomie is NOT there). that would throw up red flags for me to begin with. but the fact that he lied about it makes it worse, a lot worse. if my GF lied to me about staying over a t a former FWB house i think that might be the end of it. cant tolerate lying, especially when its so easy to tell the truth.

secondly, what the hell is he doing "angry texting"? to me that is completely childish. and honestly, if i was a girl would lose respect for him as a man. pussies and little boys do that kind of crap.

people USED to guilt trip him when he WAS GROWING UP? sounds like he still needs to grow up a good bit more and be a man. but that is typically what you are going to get from a 20 year old stoner that still sleeps over at old GF's house and eats her cereal.

if it was me i wouldnt contact him until he contacts you first. well, actually if i was you i would tell him to "fuck off" and grow a set. but since you want to try and work it out (cant really work on immature lying guys) i wouldnt contact him until he gets in touch with you. try to talk to him but the minute he starts yelling or cursing or disrespecting you drop him like a bad habit, cause that is what he might become.

good luck girl.
Old 02-16-2010, 05:36 AM plainsong is offline  
#6  

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his shit is not your fucking problem

he is angry because you are badgering him and hes not that into you.

[quote=sexyface]so around 3 I text and say whats up how did \the meeting go etc. No text back, so about 3:30[/quote\

srsly 30 mins? annd your etripping out? its no biggie, i dont answer my phone for days sometimes. i think youre playing this one a little too hard ansd fast. coming on a little too strong you know

for fourthyl plaingsong is right on the money

sry 4 drunk typing
Old 02-16-2010, 06:05 AM chuckybob is offline  
#7  

Runding
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SexiOne View Post
I really like this guy and want to work it out, but it's frustrating.

I've gotta ask...

What in the world about this guy makes you "really like" him?!

Find someone that isn't going to throw you through loops only to find out that he lied to you. Don't even bother a "friendly" relationship. He LIED. He has the nerve to say "Oh, I'm going to Teresa's because she has my favorite cereal" and then fess up a little later saying he actually just stayed the night?! There was no reason for him to lie to you. This guy's a d-bag.

And the "if the roomie" isn't home deal? You realize he doesn't want the roomie hearing a creaky bed all night?

Wow, sorry about that tirade, I just don't find that kind of behavior acceptable at all.
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:05 AM Runding is offline  
#8  

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Seriously, poor choice in men here. Get rid of the dude and find someone who won't lie or mistreat you.

Also, what the fuck is with texting nowadays? I like to to text my girlfriend silly random stuff, but I'll never argue or fight or discuss important things over text messages.

lol also, favorite cereal? what the fuck
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:18 AM Assyrian is offline  
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WeLandedOnTheMoon!
 
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Next step? Stop seeing the guy. He's having sex with Teresa. You know this. Why deal with a younger guy that lies to you?
Old 02-16-2010, 09:19 AM WeLandedOnTheMoon! is offline  
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Your post says to me you've never been cheated on. Well, without knowing it. Hes cheating on you.
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:27 AM Foolioq is offline  
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s0me0nesmind1
 
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For all the fucking retards here: How the fuck is the OP being cheated on? Where the fuck does it even remotely indicate a relationship . Oh lawd they are TEXTING eachother, and maybe even had some PHYSICAL CONTACT. That must equate to an equally commtied relationship - ITS FACEBOOK OFFICIAL
Old 02-16-2010, 10:35 AM s0me0nesmind1 is offline  
#12  

Trachei
 
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He's just not that into you. /thread
Old 02-16-2010, 11:04 AM Trachei is offline  
#13  

Foolioq
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by s0me0nesmind1 View Post
For all the fucking retards here: How the fuck is the OP being cheated on? Where the fuck does it even remotely indicate a relationship . Oh lawd they are TEXTING eachother, and maybe even had some PHYSICAL CONTACT. That must equate to an equally commtied relationship - ITS FACEBOOK OFFICIAL

Its implied that they are committed to each, and if they aren't, shes still in some sort of denial.
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:15 AM Foolioq is offline  
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Runding
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foolioq View Post
Its implied that they are committed to each, and if they aren't, shes still in some sort of denial.

Quote:
I have known this guy for a few months, and we like each other, have gotten real close...
She never said "my boyfriend" or anything to that point. Just that they fooled around a little and hung out a good amount. Doesn't sound very committed to me...?
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:24 AM Runding is offline  
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