General [M]ayhem

Go Back   General [M]ayhem > General Forums > Vault of [M]ayhem!
Register Members List Mark Forums Read [M]erchandise Calendar

 
 
Thread Tools
ninetyseven
 
a few years ago i was working sales at a car dealership, and an old man shat on the couch in the service area.

well, i think technically he shat all over the bathroom and himself, alls i know is he was with his son, waiting in the service area... next thing i know, it smells like shit, two service techs carrying couch to dumpster, old man exiled to parking lot, and someone bitching about having to clean up shit all over the bathroom.

also, after reading this thread, i'm amazed at how many of you have shit your pants i've never had so much as a close call.
Old 01-16-2007, 10:54 PM ninetyseven is offline  
#376  

Advertisement [Remove Advertisement]

Mr. Greg
I'm obsessed with DHermit
 
Never had any myself, but my brother shat his bed once in the middle of the night.

Also, when I had the deadbeat job of cart attendant once at Target, I had to clean up a lady who shat all over fucking 2 stalls. It was all over the toilet, floor, and wall behind the toilet.
__________________
Moose's brother.

Louis Potgieter (1951-1996) NEVER FORGET
Old 01-16-2007, 11:04 PM Mr. Greg is offline  
#377  

FatCat4-9'er
FatCat > Will Sasso<br>You're entering a world of pain, Smokey. A world of pain.
 
FatCat4-9'er's Avatar
 
Baloneyflaps has a funny one! Has he told it yet?
__________________
I love motherfucking Los Angeles.



STRAIGHT UP 39TH STREET NIGGAH! ALWAYS BALLIN, ALWAYS HUSTLIN' 394L, NEVER FRONTIN', NEVER HATIN'!
Old 01-16-2007, 11:05 PM FatCat4-9'er is offline  
#378  

patondeez
 
when i was like 12 i was at summer camp and there was a small break period in between events like climbing, soccer, art and stuff. i always ended up taking a dump way after i needed to because i hated using the outhouses...so inbetween periods one day i went to the lunch area bathroom to take a dump, i had to go fucking BAD. i got to the door probably ready to make "the move," but it was locked. so i knocked and said that i needed to get in there quick. after seriously like 3 minutes of butt hole clenching with my whole body experiencing earth quakes every 20-30 seconds i knocked again, someone must have been jacking off in the goddamn bathroom. i gave it another painful minute and then knocked again, no response...fucking great. i was seriously about to let a load go in the lunch room. the nearest bathroom was in my cabin...like 10 minute walk up the hill. so i start a rapid waddle walk towards the main path, as i'm going up i had to stop every 20 yards to focus all my energy on holding this dump in. Every subsequent stop the clench felt like it was going to give way...when i got half way to the cabin i was at the bottom of a flight of stairs, holding the railing like i was giving birth and trying to hold this monster dump in. this shitquake was different, it was off the richter scale...i wasnt gonna make it. lucky for me i had gone in between events so everyone at camp was off doing stuff. it wasnt until a couple seconds into the quake that i realized i couldnt hold out, this monster shit log of epic proportions was like 1/3 of the way out so i quickly rearranged my boxers and athletic shorts and droped a HUGE deuce right in the middle of the walkway, i had to use the railing to keep my body from falling over after -- i think i might have an idea of what childbirth was like. i got the fuck out of there quick because there were like a thousand people at this camp and someone could have been coming by at any second. i went back to my cabin and threw my boxers away and took a shower. while i had been in the shower the event periods changed again...so i was walking to my next one and i had to go back by the shitway...keep in mind this was a main walkway. i found my gigantic turd smushed in half like a toothpaste tube with a nice fresh footprint...i laughed every time i had to walk by it for the next week.
__________________
181b5873a2c818902c103558818a53a0
Old 01-17-2007, 01:11 AM patondeez is offline  
#379  

fieryduck
 
I once wasn't able to wipe due to lack of material to wipe with... but I was already covered with vomit at the time so any smell was probably attributed, by others, to be the aforementioned vomit. I went home, cleaned myself and my shorts up, curled up in the bathtub and cried myself to sleep.
Old 01-17-2007, 01:16 AM fieryduck is offline  
#380  

Cantonese
 
nice thread. good stories everyone can't believe so many people have poop disasters when i have never had one...

strong stomach
Old 01-17-2007, 01:24 AM Cantonese is offline  
#381  

Phil Taylor
I'll be back
 
Phil Taylor's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryans Steak House Story
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

Just re-quoting this since it seems to be the funniest one yet.
__________________
~

nigga, you just made me click "go advanced"...
Old 01-17-2007, 01:53 AM Phil Taylor is offline  
#382  

Trujew
I have a masturbation streak Cal Ripken would be proud of
 
Trujew's Avatar
 
best valut ever
__________________
I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law
Old 01-17-2007, 01:59 AM Trujew is offline  
#383  

spatula
I stick my fingers up my ass... then smell them
 
In gym class in Junior High I had to take one of my first public shits ever so I head to the restroom and they're out of seat covers so i think i'll beat the system and hover over the toilet while I shit. However, my ass is slightly at an angle and my shit comes out extra runny so some of it runs down my leg. To top it off my stall was out of toilet paper and the only stall next to me is taken so I have to wait until he's done with his business about 3 minutes later until I can hop in that stall to use the toilet paper. I'm afraid someone will see me get ouf of stall 1 so i go underneath Mission Impossible style


Probably the dirtiest i've ever felt in my life

cliffs:
1. No paper seat cover so I hover in air so my ass won't touch the seat
2. End up shitting on leg
3. No TP so I have to wait for the stall next to me to finish so i can run in there
4. 3 minutes later I crawl into next stall and proceed to wipe ass/shit off leg
Old 01-17-2007, 02:04 AM spatula is offline  
#384  

stapuff
the marshmallow man
 
I shat my pants in 1st grade once.

It was so embarassing at the time, but when I look back its funny as shit. I remember sitting in the back of the class needing to dump but not asking because the teacher was a bitch and probably would have said no. I crapped my pants, raised my hand and said "I pooped my pants" .

Everybody in the class looked back at me, the teacher said ok, go see the school nurse and I left. Luckily I was wearing whitey titeys at the time so it was all contained. Went to the bathroom, cleaned up a bit and then got the nurse to call my mom to pick me up lol.
__________________
d/db (b^8)/8
ATL represent
Old 01-17-2007, 06:07 AM stapuff is offline  
#385  

Stealth
 
Old 01-17-2007, 06:53 AM Stealth is offline  
#386  

Shinespark
Logie made AnTiAmI laugh and all I got was this gay title
 
Shinespark's Avatar
 
I was fucking this goat in the mouth while the goat took a shit on my gf.
__________________
18779b4eb3846b5b441ae945cf43a1b9
Old 01-17-2007, 06:59 AM Shinespark is offline  
#387  

 


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:49 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.