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Misutiku
 
Heres a shorter one

One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I’ll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren’t good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says "I suck dick like I made it up.’


I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn’t seem to faze her. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room.


My god was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good my ankles even started sweating. God bless whoever taught her.


As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she’s one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa.


I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place…and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.


Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to fuck her at least 3 or 4 times to get to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion.


I wonder if she ever found that stain.
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Old 03-14-2005, 09:48 AM Misutiku is offline  
#61  

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wolrahnaes
Typical College Drunk
 
I don't think I've had any disasters, just the same old thing that everyone's done.

1. In public place
2. Fart
3. It wasn't just a fart.
4. (a.) Get new underwear (b.) go commando (c.) try to clean it up and cover the smell of shit until I can do a or b
5. ???
6. No profit

I think I've done that one 5 or 6 times, but only twice has it managed to reach the underwear. Every other time I realized what was about to happen, clenched the cheeks, and waddled to the bathroom.
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Old 03-14-2005, 09:52 AM wolrahnaes is offline  
#62  

lopoetve
 
Did it in my car once. Commando for the rest of THAT day. Left the boxers in the bathroom of a gas station.
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Old 03-14-2005, 10:03 AM lopoetve is offline  
#63  

Misutiku
 
Tis a teal deer, But it will have you rolling.

hadn’t realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn’t get out of there.

A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, “That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy.”


I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.


THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!


Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.


I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!,” and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.


I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can’t seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn’t face the lobby. It’s about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.

turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.

I nearly bust the door off it’s hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, “AYYYY!!,” that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor’s closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.


I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:


Tucker “WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?”
Janitor “No, no se habla Ingles.”
Tucker “WHAT?!? Huh, uh…DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?”
Janitor “AYA, AYA!”


She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large “Restroom” sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.


I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint.


I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don’t think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement.

Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:


-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.
-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.
-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.


By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.


I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.


I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.

During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.


By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.


Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don’t laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, “Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?”


My question is immediately answered.


I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.


Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the fuck just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.


Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.


I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.


From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.


Come to think of it, she wasn’t sobbing. I believe “hysterical crying” would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as shit isn’t going to be me.


When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,


SlingBlade "Where--where the fuck are your pants?”
Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!"


He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:


"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"


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Old 03-14-2005, 10:04 AM Misutiku is offline  
#64  

Chavez
I miss the old [M]! It's just a bunch of tards and spam now! (and señor Chavez is to a large
 
Bravo!
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Old 03-14-2005, 10:11 AM Chavez is offline  
#65  

DivineStorm
I talk shit on the internet because in real life i'm a huge fucking pussy faggot
 
DivineStorm's Avatar
 
Painful experience 3/4 years ago;

I lived like 30 minutes away by bike from my school, and I kinda needed to poo when I went home. I had diarrea all day, but I thought it was okay by now. Probably because I ate 2 pizza's the day before, and dude those pizza's were huge. Anyway, after 15 minutes I finally realized I had to poo really bad. Now you have to understand, I was on a bike on a hot summer day while not being close to a toilet in miles. Can you imagine sitting on your ass, with all the vibrations of the bike pounding against it? Trust me, it's horrible.

So after 15 minutes of excruciating pain I finally get home. I drop my bike, run to the front door only to find a small note:

"We're at the mall, we'll be back at around 5pm -- mom"

It was 1pm.
Old 03-14-2005, 10:18 AM DivineStorm is offline  
#66  

Chavez
I miss the old [M]! It's just a bunch of tards and spam now! (and señor Chavez is to a large
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DivineStorm
Painful experience 3/4 years ago;

I lived like 30 minutes away by bike from my school, and I kinda needed to poo when I went home. I had diarrea all day, but I thought it was okay by now. Probably because I ate 2 pizza's the day before, and dude those pizza's were huge. Anyway, after 15 minutes I finally realized I had to poo really bad. Now you have to understand, I was on a bike on a hot summer day while not being close to a toilet in miles. Can you imagine sitting on your ass, with all the vibrations of the bike pounding against it? Trust me, it's horrible.

So after 15 minutes of excruciating pain I finally get home. I drop my bike, run to the front door only to find a small note:

"We're at the mall, we'll be back at around 5pm -- mom"

It was 1pm.


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Old 03-14-2005, 10:20 AM Chavez is offline  
#67  

Monkeyass
Shackmaster
 
I can sympathize for the Ryan's guy.

When I was in the main office of the Apartment complex of the apartment I was getting ready to move to, I was talking to one of the main office people when I had to take a major shit, and my bowels hurt so bad and I was in pain, and it was making me feel sick.

Once I got to the toilet to take the huge shit, I started to feel relief at first from relieving the pressure..............then from shitting so much, I got nauseated, and had to suddenly throw up - almost no fucking warning, so I turned around, and barfed in the toilet, and the shit in the toilet smelled so bad, it made me puke even more!

I managed to get a small amount of puke on my shirt and pants, and some shit in my underwear. it took me 25 mins to get out of the bathroom. I had to wipe off, fucking yuck!

Out of all the Shitty shit experiences, puking and shitting at the same time is the fucking worst.

I'd never want to do that again, and since that moment, I eat more fiber in the mornings.
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Old 03-14-2005, 10:25 AM Monkeyass is offline  
#68  

malamute face
Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
 
malamute face's Avatar
 
One more, not too disastrous…

in high school, a rollerblader has to shit while doing X-TREME tricks at a school. shits behind a trash can right outside a classroom. wipes with knee pad. leaves knee pad on the ground and fruit boots away.
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Total: 24
Old 03-14-2005, 10:28 AM malamute face is offline  
#69  

Chris
 
THIS THREAD DELIVERS!


Old 03-14-2005, 10:28 AM Chris is offline  
#70  

Chavez
I miss the old [M]! It's just a bunch of tards and spam now! (and se&ntilde;or Chavez is to a large
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute face
One more, not too disastrous…

in high school, a rollerblader has to shit while doing X-TREME tricks at a school. shits behind a trash can right outside a classroom. wipes with knee pad. leaves knee pad on the ground and fruit boots away.


I have a malamute....and he's cuet!
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Old 03-14-2005, 10:29 AM Chavez is offline  
#71  

malamute face
Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
 
malamute face's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chavez
I have a malamute....and he's cuet!

they are pretty fucking sweet.
__________________
I breathe my husband Serv0h's soul and I sniff his boxers + farts
Zerokewl is my twin at everything and my long-lost BFF that I never knew I had until like March
I luv uterus
Growler & I hate olives <3
Pyramid is my speakerhumper BFF

Total: 24
Old 03-14-2005, 10:31 AM malamute face is offline  
#72  

jamesey2
 
jamesey2's Avatar
 
seriously guys I'm crying over here, from laughter, at work.
Old 03-14-2005, 10:33 AM jamesey2 is offline  
#73  

Threnx
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
 
Threnx's Avatar
 
this thread is so funny it made me shit my pants from laughing too hard so I guess that's my poop story
Old 03-14-2005, 10:53 AM Threnx is offline  
#74  

JAke
answer my posts dammit!
 
Well, I was at work a while back, working a 10 hour shift. I usually shit at home, but if I have to I’ll shit at work. It was one of those days. I get the call from my abdomen that shit was about to go down, so I walk briskly to the bathroom (which is not just an employee bathroom, it’s also for customers), which has 2 toilets. Ones handicap and the other is a regular one. The handicap one does NOT lock and the door swings open by itself so I always use the regular one. Anyway, I run into the stall not really paying attention, and I sit down on the can and take one NICE big dump. Upon finishing, I noticed a horrendous smell. So of course I do a courtesy flush. While the toilet is flushing, I’m sitting there enjoying myself after my great big shit. Now at this point, I notice my ass getting oddly cold. WTF?! I look down in horror to see the toilet overflowing! FUCK! I didn’t even wipe yet!! And this shit I had just taken by the way was definitely NOT a ghost shit. So I sit there for like 2 seconds trying to figure out what to do. At this point my ass cheeks are getting wet by the water, so I instinctively get up and kind of slouch over so the shit on my asshole doesn’t get all over my cheeks. This is when Along Came Polly and the loofa scene. GREAAAT.

So, by now, the water is overflowing out onto the floor; I was standing in a puddle of piss and toilet water, with a big ass fucking turd getting ready to flop out onto the floor. I only had one choice: get out of the one stall, with my pants down, cock out, and run to the handicap stall so I could wipe my ass. Luckily there was no one in the bathroom so I went for it. I opened the door and did a ‘Keanu Reeves running from the cops in the office building’ kind of run to the other stall. I just ran in...(didn't even bother closing the door since it didn’t even lock anyway) and slammed onto the toilet seat. I must’ve wiped my ass in a world record time, because all I could think about was my manager walking in and seeing a toilet overflowing with a pile of shit on the floor, and me naked in the other stall wiping my ass. Needless to say I finished wiping, tucked in my shirt, washed my hands real quick and walked out of the bathroom . I still don’t know who found it, but it must’ve been a messy scene lol.
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h4x:
fe27d759cc551985a9ae89219997d9a7, 168d385d04, v6803986l, 55f858699a434e2c1faa0dbb01342e7c [y yuo throw haet :( :(] porn may <3's yuo.

Last edited by JAke; 03-14-2005 at 11:07 AM..
Old 03-14-2005, 11:00 AM JAke is offline  
#75  

 


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